I'm heart broken, all I've ever wanted was love and belonging
I'll try to keep it short...
Until I was 18 I was a person people envied. I used to look beautiful, every boy who ever met me wanted to be with me and every girl used to envy me.
A very nice boy from a very nice family fell in love with me and pursued me till I accepted to let him send his proposal to my family. Eventually after 4 years of our families discussing things together (he's Pathan, I am only part Pathan and part Hazarevaal), we got into Nikah.
3 years after that we got married.
However, 2 years after I accepted to let him send his proposal, I felt that his love started to fade, but he just didn't let me go. I couldn't understand what was happening. We had gotten used to each other's presence in our lives. As time passed, love faded, but still we got into a Nikah. We did have our good times, but mostly we had our bad times when both of us desperately wanted to get out of this relationship, but Allah only knows what kept us together.
I've been married 4 years now. My husband doesn't respect my parents at all. They do so much for him, especially my mother. My in laws have still not accepted me even though I speak Pashto exclusively with all of them so that they never feel I'm not trying to adjust, I learned Pashto specially for my husband's sake and for his comfort.
We went to England after getting married. I wasn't married for a month when my in laws came to live with us there and I served them like a servant, still my mother in law very cunningly kept making life hell for me. Both my parents in law and everyone else kept poisoning my husband's mind, as they had been doing since our Nikah 3 years before our marriage and this way my husband also could never accept me whole heartedly.
My parents in law used to go to the toilet and there used to be stool on the toilet seat where you sit, I used to clean that, my mother in law had incontinence and I would wash her shalwar with her urine on it, I trimmed her toe nails, I massaged her legs, I dyed her hair, put mehndi in her hair, did everything like a servant for them. They used to show happiness and used to praise me but at heart never accepted me.
Now I have lost my patience. I am an educated woman with double Masters degrees and am very well respected wherever I work. It's not that I have no life of my own. But my husband's lack of respect for me, the lack of support for every single thing from my in laws, constant criticism and fault finding has broken my heart.
At 18 I and everyone thought I would find true love and would lead a beautiful life. I thought so too. When my husband first fell in love with me and proposed to me, I thought my destiny was near and I was going to achieve what I was meant to achieve. But my entire life has been a downward spiral since the day I accepted to consider him...
He has never appreciated the sacrifices that I have made for his family. I asked him to call my mother as a gesture of respect and to thank her for her financial help when his entire family abandoned us, and he picked up a fight with me saying that I'm rubbing it in his face and reminding him of my favours on him, and he told me he cannot live like this.
He fails to see all that is good, even though even today when women we know ask for proposals for their sons, they tell my mother they want a daughter in law like me, Alhamdulillah I'm good at keeping my home, I'm obedient, I serve my parents in law well, I take care of my husband and his needs, I take care of myself and my looks, I'm good in studies and profession. I have stood by him through such times when I should have just left him. I get nothing from him, no love, no support, no encouragement. I have stood by him when he had no money, no job and his whole family refused to support him. Ever since we have gotten married he has taunted me for not being able to make money (we went to England as I mentioned and I couldn't work there), and he used to call me a parasite, as did his family.
I'm heart broken, shattered and hopeless. I'm 29, and am turning 30 this year. I feel I have wasted my life and my youth on this man. I beg all of you to say a collective prayer for me and my life, and pray collectively that may Allah repay him and his family for all that they have done to me, and that I may be alive to witness it all, Ameen.
Salaams sis, I hope you are well.
I have read through your situation, and I must say how proud I am of you having to put through such a tough marriage constantly trying to seek the approval of your in laws. You must accept the fact that you are not in the wrong and your husband must learn to respect you in all aspects of life. Islamically this is what is supposed to be expected of your husband; respect and love towards his wife. Likewise, you must do that also and show your love and and role as a Muslim wife.
Unfortuantately, your in laws have a problem with the fact that you are not the same as them (Pathan). However, they should get over this as at the end of the day you and your husband share the same religion (Islam) and are obviously Muslims. The way your in laws treat you is unacceptable and well done for putting up with their attitude. They seem of the older generation and thus their mentality towards such differences is shallow and backwards.
Inshallah you live a happy life. May Allah grant you peace and happiness within your heart. Don't let cultural differences get in the way of your love for your husband. I strongly suggest you sit down and talk to your husband and let him know how this is affecting the way you feel. He should listen and respect your feelings towards the situation. Marriage is a life long commitment and both parties must make it work. Don't worry
Allah hafiz x