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Have I Been Controlled For Years?

Posted by
ARWENEVENSTAR
on Feb 18 2018 at 21:32
Member since: 18 February 2018
Relationship advice Okay. So I've been with spouse now for 11 years his year. When we first got together it was horrific. I was constantly crying and apologising to him for talking to people or being friends with people or wearing things. But after a few years it went away. And I've told everyone that he changed and that's why. Now I am back in the same situation except this time I refuse to do as I am told or apologise for what I do because I don't see what's wrong with having a job I like, or having friends, or a personality. I sit here and look back and realise that actually, he didn't change. I did. I got so used to what I could and could not do that there was nothing to be scolded for. And now I'm at a new stage in life that has brought back my personality and confidence I've realised that actually. It is normal to have a job, a personality AND a family at the same time. I am not just a wife. I am also my own person. I have been trying really hard to be sympathetic to the fact that he at the minute is more into this relationship than I am. I keep making efforts and pushing myself but I am unwilling to push myself to be an actual doormat just to protect his ego because he can't get past his own b.s.. I have looked online for advice and find it hard to pinpoint what I do next. I'm trying to save my relationship but what am I saving when I can't get the point across that I am not just here to stroke him on the back and say I don't want to do anything else in the world but sit and cuddle you. I have this terrible guilt all the time and it's not for viable reasons!!! I feel like I'm going to explode! I'm so angry that I have gone all this time doing nothing for myself and now all I'm hearing is that he "does nothing for himself"
Have I been controlled for years?
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Feb 19 2018 at 00:34
Member since: 27 December 2013
Eleven years- allow yourself AND him the fact that you both are not the same people today.

His perception is different from yours and probably has been all this time. He feels HE has been the accommodating spouse! Now he says HE's not getting his needs met.

If you still love this man, get into marriage counseling to figure out how you are going to go forward as a couple or how each of you will learn the value of one another.

(You don't mention children. Any kids?)

Have I been controlled for years?
Reply from
JOHN2
on Feb 19 2018 at 17:56
Member since: 19 February 2018
hey there, just dropping by for a small time visiting so wont get the time to reply probably, but i think if you love this guy then youre best bet is to separate for a while and let him see that if he doesn't up his game your separation will be premenant.

if you are really resenting this and you've had 11 years of it building up so no wonder you wanna explode, i feel for you, i really do. if you don't love him then get out and leave for good. you have give 11 good years of your life and you wont get them back again!!!

there are LOTS OF GOOD MEN WHO ARE KIND< RESPECTFUL AND WILL LOVE YOU AS AN EQUAL AS A PERSON AND IN A MATURE CARING NON ABUSIVE WAY.

if you can get a holiday go on one with a friend or family member and just start living again!!! you must find yourself again if you are ever to be happy again (with him or without him). I personally think you are better without him. for the first time you are showing you are strong. if he cant change or wont change and so far he hasn't been able to (so why will year 12 or 13 0r 30 be any different?

do yourself and your self-esteem a BIG FAVOUR AND START AGAIN. its never too late to find real love!

take care and find a real man who knows what love and respect are and that even is bothered enough to respect himself let alone a partner!!! you can do so much better than this and you DESERVE BETTER THAN 5 more years of emptiness and control and wasted time. LIVE YOUR LIFE AND LEARN TO LOVE AND LAUGH AGAIN - Life really is just too short to waste it on people like this.

Have I been controlled for years?
Reply from
SCOPES
on Feb 20 2018 at 21:43
Member since: 08 June 2016
Jealousy is a very powerful emotion and can devastate a marriage or relationship. I don't know if you've looked at this link if you haven't give it a look https://www.pathwaytohappiness.com

Counseling would be a good idea as mentioned above

Have I been controlled for years?
Reply from
MERCI
on Feb 21 2018 at 03:00
Member since: 29 July 2017
This is so heartbreaking that you and your husband are caught up in a stagnant marriage. Unfortunately, instead of both being willing to make each other happy and enjoying your relationship, you got mentally abused into a corner and you lost yourself!

Your mentioned your husband thinks “he does nothing for himself?”

And you are finally, finding yourself again.

I challenge you two to get marriage counseling. And the reason I mention counseling, is because if you two can’t figure out how to make this relationship work, you could bring these same problems into a new relationship. You are a very passive person and your husband seems very aggressive. You two need each other to learn how to come together in the middle.

New relationship? I have so many female friends who have been looking for decades for a decent guy and wish they had a husband like mine. (my husband and I don’t have a perfect marriage). So, how would you feel, if your husband started dating other women? Once you open this up, you may not be able to go back.

Ask your husband if he’s willing to START over and challenge him to “Go and do something for himself!”

And you too! Call a family member and go out to a movie or dinner. And both come home and share what you did for yourselves. But, let your husband know that you are willing to spend time with him too, but only without guilt or jealously. If he can not give you your freedom, then you need to get some counseling and I’m sending you a link. And please let me know how things work out for you and your husband.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/the-love-and-respect-principle/learning-about-love-and-respect

Have I been controlled for years?
Reply from
ANOTHER VIEW
on Feb 24 2018 at 23:01
Member since: 06 November 2016
do you love your husband still. do you know if he still loves you, i mean really still loves you? (playing a little role at teh moment that is trying to keep a balance and i suspect he is worrying that you will get even stronger to leave him is why he has changed for the moment!!!!! but that doesnt mean that you are still right for each other anymore; but only you will know that.

you need to also ask yourself about how long are you, or would you be prepared to go to counselling in order to talk things through and then wait for months and months later for him to change: i feel a bit worried that you have had someone promising to change for you before and he didnt, what will make it any different if he isnt trying hard enough to change things for you and himself.

counselling is fine and so is therapy, but it wont change much unless he actually will take the problems you have together seriously and is willing to talk and put things right. he is good at talking, but youve had 11 years of someone talking himself up instead of wanting to take the relationship to the next level and doing a little growing up.

at the moment it sounds as though you have done all the work and you sound fed up with this.

maybe you need to change your time to not include him for a while, if you take a break from him it will force you to look at this more clearly and if you miss him and are willing to give it and him another chance then you will be stronger and he may value you more not keep taking you for granted.

time away will allow both of you to see how they feel.

if it is true love you can over come this, if it is not, you will probably feel even stronger for not letting this man walk all over you and keep taking without giving something back.

e another promise to change and after the promises he just goes back to being the way he actually is as a person.

if he really loved you in the first place you wouldnt be where you are now!

how many times will he keep promising things and let you down before you see or accept that he is not able to make you truly happy (afer 11 years together).

if your marriage was shorter or there was a lot more happiness i might think differently.

but this isnt some little fairy tale childs dream its a large part of your life and in a partnership that is loving and respecting you need communication and happiness and someone you know is going to stand by you.

can you honestly say this man is capable of that. do you have to ask if you still love your husband and want to have a life of endless promises and excuses!

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?