Since I was 12 years old I started gaining weight. I went through a bullying phase in school but I have allways found a way to come back and appreciate myself. At 16 y old I met this guy who was 4 years older than me and I fell head over heels for him. He gave me my first real boyfriend experience, and it was a pretty shitty experience if I am being honest. We dated 5 years and throughout all this time e cheated on me, lied, manipulated me and messed with the fact that for being overweight I would never find anyone else. Stupid me believed this for sooooo long and in the back of my head there was this little voice saying "stay with him, you will change him, your love will heal his problems". when I finally broke off the relationship I was broken and I had forgotten about myself, who I was.
I stayed single for a year and had a friends with benefits kinda relationship that didn't work out. I just could not be alone. It was like I didn't know how to be single, I felt confortable in a relationship so, at the first opportunity, I jumped for something even worst. On a night out with friends I met this really cute guy, 2 years younger and I just felt myself having the ultimate crush on him. I imediatelly jumped for a relationship but he was not on that boat with me. He was a high school drop out, that didn't wanna work and was addicted on video games. Basically I supported him, I worked so I would pay for everything when I was with him, I would allways be the one making the effort and he would not have a meaningfull, interesting conversation with me. I was confortable, I don't know what was in my head - AGAIN, THERE I WAS BEING THE MOTHER TO MY BOYFRIEND, TRYING TO SAVE HIM IN SOME WAY, FORGETTING ABOUT MYSELF. I was with him for a year, A FULL YEAR of feeling miserable and unworthy, much like an ATM or sex partner. At some point I finnaly opened up my eyes and broke up with him. It was so painfull but so freeing at the same time.
But no. Being the absolute idiot I am I just could not be alone again sooo, my current boyfriend comes in - this was like 2 months after the break up, in 2016. Being a lot older than me (16 years to be exact, I am 25 currently) I saw in him a possibility to have someone to finnaly build something with me, I was very passionate about him, he treated me well and we had a lot of the same interests. At the beginning it was great even though he was unemployed at the time - I was thinking it would be just a phase, he was getting himself together and build something, like a fenix I guess?
Well, fastforwarding to today, 2 years later, he is still unemployed, jumping from work to work, living with his parents and allways quitting for a million different excuses and ONCE AGAIN here I am being the mother to my boyfriend and making every effort to meet his needs and doing everything for him. And this past few weeks I have been more and more concious of the situation. Meanwhile, looking at the past two guys now, through stalking their social media (really bad I know) I see them happy and doing EVERYTHING they didn't do with me with their current girlfriends.
What the hell am I doing with my life? What is my problem? I just can't bring myself up to break up with my current boyfriend because I just feel a weird attatchement to him but I know how this is fu***** with myself and I just can't help but think - Why can't I meet someone who has it together? Why can't I be alone and work on myself? Why do I get sucked in these crazy, dramatic and destructive relationships? I become so vulnerable and emotionnaly unstable.
Be harsh all you want I really need a reallity check I guess... I don't even know.
(Sorry for any english errors, english is not my main language)
However, it doesn't need to be this way, primarily because you are smart. Let's start there.
Your recognition of being a "mother" in your relationships is very astute! You have been gravitating to those that need a mother, not a partner. If your intentions are to "save" them of their immaturity and to turn them into a loving partner, good for you. That is very noble! How's that working out for you? By now, hopefully, you understand the energy, the resources, the time, and the personal sacrifice required to change someone. It can be done, but based on what you have shared it sounds like you would rather be "needed" then be a social worker. That will happen if you are patient and unwilling to settle for less than you deserve!
Speaking of being deserving, I think you underestimate your strengths. Overcoming bulling takes tremendous courage! Recognizing emotional abuse creates empathy. Your willingness to help others speaks of compassion. I'm sure there are many reasons for a decent man to be attracted to you. Please take the time to share with us what makes you worthy. Why would anyone "invest" in you?
Finding love is a process, a challenging one, and it should be, Begin this process (again), by taking the time to take a personal inventory and sharing. I'm anxious to continue this conversation.
When it comes to my ability to recognize that I am a mother in the relationship, I feel that it is from experience. I guess I started to feel the burden that comes with trying to save people which probably don't even want to be saved. So how it is working for me? Terrible. I am a very emottionaly unstabble person, I have peeks of anxiety and moments of complete lack of motivation to do even the small tasks. This is already a part of me but when my path started to cross with this type of men, my heart and mind started a journey on a roller coaster and it has never stopped since. Either I am very happy and commited to that person, and the next thing you know he went back to his old habits and I am broken and dependent. Maybe the keyword is this - dependency. On the one hand, I don't want to be a social worker, I want a boyfriend, someone to grow with me. On the other, I feel that maybe I get so dependent on having a relationship that a prefer to suffer than to have to break everything, and hurt myself and the other person. I just don't understand this mindset of mine.
I have never been one to look at physical beauty. Sometimes I think of the kind of person I wanted for me (which I keep finding some pieces and bits in each man I relate to, but not the whole, or at least not the happyness I had hoped). Whenever I have this conversation with a friend I think of how much I can do for someone that does not deserve it. What would happen if I met someone that was really worthy of my whole heart and soul?
I just feel that I am stuck on a pattern and can't find myself so I settle for less and keep pushing hopping that someday it will be more. Sometimes I even question myself if I ever truly loved someone because at the end of each relationship (and it is what I am starting to feel now for my current boyfriend) I just start feeling pitty and angry and dependent. I don't wanna end things because I don't want THEM to suffer, I don't want THEM to go back to a bad place, I don't want THEM to feel alone. But I keep draining all my energy.
You KNOW that you pick up these wounded birds and when they let you down, you are so perplexed , and end up blaming yourself. You must think there's something in it for you, but it sure backfires, doesn't it?
You need some better skills in order to sharpen your "man choices" and that's going to take some work, so go to the closest women's center and find a therapist who is skilled helping people with co-dependency issues.
You seem very bright and want a better life. Go for it.
So even though you haven't shared your strengths yet, many are appearing in your posts. Compassion is close to being your strongest personality trait and I wouldn't want you to change a thing here. But maybe it can be better applied. Remember the Proverb "Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime"? You made a very strong and important observation when you mentioned many of your boyfriends dont want to be saved (whatever that means). Instead of embracing their weaknesses and hoping for miracles, perhaps you can teach them self-reliance and self-respect. If they are willing to learn and apply this in your relationship they may be a work in progress (as most of us are). If not, "run away"! Your gift of empathy can determine this quickly.
I believe you are an instrument of God's peace. If so, it demands that you don't allow others to pull you down but rather lift others up. That can be an exciting but dangerous call. Learn the difference!