Impulse control disorder please help
I am such a mess I don't even know where to start from... I am 38 and I was marriedfor 7 years. I also have a wonderful son who lives with me. My ex husband was controlling and egotic and I had a really hard time in that marriage. I was scared of him and it drained me of all my energy, I was constantly depressed and desperate. Had some horrible thoughts during the divorce.
In the middle of the divorce, I got support from a former school colleague, who seemed exactly the opposite: nice, calm, always supportive and loving, very sympathetic towards my suffering and also towards my son. We got into a relationship after I got divorced, and he moved in with me and my son. For a year or so, things went on pretty well, but he was putting very little efforts into our household. I thought he needed time to adjust, but...
After some times, I was the only one attending his needs, and he withdrew his support completely, leaving me baffled and this got worse and worse: he is gamer, and plays on as much as he can, or whenever he has spare time. He gets really angry if he is interrupted, he has no contribution to the household, doesn't seem to care at all, never asks if I make it to the end of the month, no contribution what so ever to the child's education, except for the times they interract on gaming topic.
It's been 3 years and I am rock bottom... his mood swings, his constant cursing even for minor things, his detachment and negativity are bringing me down. Our fights are for life and death... I am terrified when week-end comes and we spend more time in the same perimeter. His temper is flying and he becomes violent... and he has little or no control of this. He hit me or cursed me badly, neighbours heard us, child was scared and is worried when he spots a potential argument.
We got into a fight this Sunday and he hit me in front of my son, yelling and unable to control himself, I got really scared and called my mom, who lives in a different city, but she said she will come over and stay with me in March. The moment he heard this, he decided he will leave us, and started to blame me for the whole thing. I am the one who provoked him, he cannot stand my demanding behaviour, he is annoyed and all... I am feeling empty and scared. My heart is broken, as I love him despite all the chaos, but I am also questioning my self too.. perhaps there was something I could do differently. I need help, as I am going crazy and I no longer see truth from manipulation.
When I met this guy, he was living with his parents, no job, and he was 36. Previously, he used to work in Spain, and live with his girlfriend, but their relationship ended abruptly and not clear why. When he was in school, he was considered a problematic young man, skipping school a lot, having multiple girlfriends, often getting into fights or drinking. When we met and I saw how nice he was acting around me, I thought those days were long past, and now he grew out of it. But I think he has a problem of impulse control. He says he loves us (me and my son) but he is abusive and bad mannered. Or is it me? Is this all my fault? I had a bad marriage before and now this, and I blame myself for not being good enough. What am I doing wrong? Did anyone go through this too? Should I just let him leave or should I keep trying to reason with him on some level, or is this making things even worse? ... please... anyone.
One thing I forgot to mention is that I helped my boyfriend to get a job and to advance in that job too. And that also, I came to know that his parents helped him all his lifetime with money and support, not matter what. he never knew what it means to be on your own two feet and work really hard to achieve something.
He enjoys spending incredible amounts of money,buys expensive things and all the latest gadgets. If I dare to say something about this... he goes into rage. But he never contributed to buying a lightbulb in our home...
Why do you want him to stay?
If you can help someone else get a job, and a promotion, then why don't you do that for yourself and your son? This is an abusive relationship. Why would you not kick him out?
I am afraid that I will end up alone and when I will be sick, or too tired, I won't make it... I am so afraid. My son got used to having him around and he tells me he likes him, because he is playing with him abd gives him attention.
I am a manager and I have a team of 8 and many times I need to work late hours. He replaces me during that time and takes care of my son.
Well. You can let your fear rule your life, and let it keep you and your son trapped in a situation you know is unhealthy, or you can start looking for better options. I understand your fears, as I used to feel that way. Honestly? Once I made the decision, and initiated a split, I was SO RELIEVED. And, it turns out, I prefer my own company over bad company. By a wide margin.
Find a daycare or an in-home sitter you can trust. Ask friends for help and/or references. For your own peace of mind. Stop relying on him for anything, whether you split or not. Take a "trial run" at taking care of yourself and your son without his help. I believe you'll realize you don't need him at all. Talk to your boss, and coworkers. Ask for flexibility and understanding while you find a new normal. It won't be as hard or take as long as your fear is telling you. And, you likely have more options than you think.
Even after 24 years of thinking I'd never have to be single again, being on my own was shockingly EASY, and just better, all around. Whatever help I was getting from my spouse was overshadowed by the help I received from people that were happy I was moving forward, and the vast reduction in stress. I was a mess, until I made the decision to split, but it did not take long at all to realize I was doing the right thing. Our kids were happier, because there wasn't the constant tension and general dissatisfaction in their parents.
Take some time and figure out what you want. Make the necessary decisions. Then go get it. Or, stay stuck in an unhappy situation until ???? You are the only one in charge of your life, and it's up to you. Surrender to fear, or overcome it on your way to a better life. For both you, and your son.
You make it sound possible. And perhaps this is the way, but do you think there is any chance for him to change back to being good and supportive again? I am afraid that I will throw in the towel only to discover that there was something I could actually do to turn him around and make him understand the priorities, for our sake...
It is possible. Don't do what I did and wait until you can't take it another day. I made some options obsolete by not acting earlier. Give yourself a little time to sort yourself out, but waiting changes nothing.
Here's the thing. You keep thinking his priorities should line up with yours. And they should, if you want a strong partnership. The way to make that happen is to be with someone with the same values, goals, and way of thinking. They should line up naturally, absent of force. Trying to change who someone is or what they value is impossible, and unfair. If you don't want to continually compromise things that are important to you, you need to move on. He's been showing you who he is. If he wanted to be different than he is, he would be. He shouldn't have to change core values to placate someone else, and neither should you. As in any relationship, you have 2 options. Accept him as is, or move on. Changing someone else should not be considered an option, because it's not. If he knows you're unhappy,and things aren't improving without you forcing it, then this is not the relationship for you. Or him. Resentment has likely already gotten a strong foothold,and it will eventually destroy whatever good things you share. Don't let it get to that.
For everyone's sake.