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My Life Feels Like Its All Been Wasted Time, A Lot Like The Song

Posted by
INDIAANON
on Mar 3 2018 at 15:27
Member since: 03 March 2018
Relationship advice Hi all, thank you for taking the trouble to read through, I promise to be concise and so will break it up into three parts, the history, relationship and problem.

The reason I am here seeking help is because I am a shy person, living in a homophobic environment (southern India) mostly work part time and without any close friends. I met my lesbian partner through online dating website and so we don't move in the same circles or share any common friends. This relationship has entered its 12th year and we have grown apart so much we have no common ground. We lead seperate lives, we even watch seperate shows on the tv. I want to leave but I am unable to gather my courage to do so.

I am financially stable and have repaired a lot of damage done to my personal relationship with my mother, we are now on very good terms. I am 37 years old and have led a largely cloistered life. I haven't met a single lesbian woman here for whom I could develop feelings for, despite many of them being very warm and promiscuos. I think I desire women but can't bring myself to feel love. I am still celibate and lonely. I cry to sleep and wake up in my own bed everyday.

A brief history:

During college I had only one relationship with this guy studying at the college, where we moved in together and which lasted for about 3 years. The relationship ended abruptly, I quit my studies and it took around 2 years for me to mend my broken heart. I had a few meaningless flings with men but then I found myself being attracted to women. I realized that I preferred women more and read up a lot on homosexuality and watched a lot of movies but I didn't have any real experience of dating or even kissing a woman until I met my partner. So since my late twenties I have been in a monogamous Lesbian relationship for twelve years now.

The relationship:

I have been a namesake Lesbian because we were intimate during the first year but then sex just died in our house.

She is 8 years older than me so regarding sex she would always make the excuse of being tired. Then it became a case of jibes about being horney and then downright slut. So I made the ultimate sacrifice to simply give up trying and it made my life hell. My libido was alive but my will was stronger. During those years we grew emotionally dependent and began bonding with eachother's families (parents, siblings and a few close friends). But I was not happy being forced into a celibacy. By the sixth year I simply couldn't go on and told my parents and siblings that it was a huge mistake and I would rather get married to a man. They arranged it but I was scared of a false life and I left the man at the altar and ran away back to her.

This put me on the backfoot with my immediate family and terribly upset my relationship with my mother.

But my partner was happy to have me back. I realized I would never have what I wanted with her But I hoped she would come around. I truly love her, I learnt to cook because she is a big foodie. She says she loves me but refuses any sexual advances. The relationship deteriorated after a while because I think she lost respect for me. I have checked out mentally since the last year or so. Being celibate or maybe because I am lonely I have grown closer to God but I am not religious.

The Problem:

I am too scared to start over and I feel like I will never find love. Has it all been a total waste of time?

Look forward to your responses, thank you

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
MAMABEAR
on Mar 12 2018 at 18:56
Member since: 06 March 2016
You deserve the love you want. You sound incredibly self aware, and unafraid to work at becoming a happier person. So that puts you way ahead of most people, regardless of circumstances. I wish you were happy in your current relationship, but clearly, you're not. And, it's obviously not going to change. You'll only more grow resentful and cold toward each other with every passing year. Life is not meant to be spent that way.

I was married more years of my life than not. I wasn't happy, but I was terrified of being on my own. Once I knew it was only going to continue to get worse and not better, I made the decision to take care of myself and move on. I was so relieved! Which truly surprised me. I felt a thousand pounds lighter, and the world started to get its shine back. It was painful, and difficult to end it, but it took less than 48 hours before I knew it was the best thing, for both of us. I only regret letting it drag on so long.

Is there any way you could move to a new area? It sounds like you could really benefit from a fresh start in a new, more accepting city? Some place you'd have more opportunities to meet people you can bond with, platonically and romantically? I ask because that's what I chose to do for myself. Best gift I ever gave myself. I was immediately so much happier, being in a place I felt more understood and appreciated. And, ended up meeting the love of my life. The stark contrast between my present relationship and my past marriage made me realize I had settled in a terrible way. I had voluntarily given up intimacy in favor of security and familiarity. I can't imagine being okay with that choice now. Now, I'm so happy and fulfilled in every way, I know I will never settle again. But I had to make the choices that put me in a place for these opportunities. I won't tell you it was easy, but it wasn't as awful as my fear had made me believe. And it was beyond worth it.

You deserve to be fully loved. You just need to make the decision that your wants and needs matter, and the rest of it will feel like a natural progression because that's what it will be. You've chosen someone else's wants and needs over your own for far too long. If you decide to take your life back, and live it for yourself, your only regret will be not doing that sooner. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It's what we all should do. Time you took control of your own life. Ask yourself what you really want. Figure out how and where you can better set yourself up for success. Once you make the decision, the action is inevitable, and can actually be fun, given the right mindset. You deserve to be happy.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
INDIAANON
on Mar 13 2018 at 06:03
Member since: 03 March 2018
Hi Mamabear, thank you for your kind words. I think the chains of fear are the hardest to break. They seem to hold me tight and keep me down.

The courage has to come from within but I feel so exhausted and dare not to hope what will happen once I am free. I feel so comfortable with the familiarity of things and inspite of the coldness in our day to day interaction I still think deep inside me I do feel intensely for her. I don't think we love eachother anymore but personally I feel obliged not to leave.

I hope to have some conversations with you (Mamabear) and others on this forum. I am not sure how to break away from a long term relationship. Everything seems so interlinked with us like braided hair on a gypsy girl.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HEXTALL
on Mar 13 2018 at 08:33
Member since: 11 May 2018
Hi India,

I agree with what MamaBear says, but I also understand the crippling anxiety you feel about taking a chance with your future, and the sense of loyalty you feel towards your partner. But, you know, life's not a dress rehearsal, you have to get out there and find some happiness and personal contentment. On the one hand it's a credit to your character that you still feel such loyalty to a partner who sounds quite selfish, on the other I'm left wondering why you would want to live with years of physical rejection and frustration. It appears you're habitual roommates, rather than partners.

I read your post like this; Your partner is mainly concerned with ensuring her own emotional needs are being met, and maintaining her own ideal of what a romantic relationship is, whilst enjoying all the benefits that a de-facto relationship brings minus the physical intimacy. I'm not surprised she was happy to see you return after nearly marrying a man. Maybe you should give some thought to that and look for the reasons why you seem to be doing all the loving in this relationship, (and it's not because you're unlovable, just in case you're thinking of going there.....). Do you feel obliged to her in any way, (other than a sense of guilt as a long term partner who feels like she's abandoning the relationship)?

You're financially stable, so there's really nothing other than misguided loyalty and fear of being alone stopping you from just jumping into the future. I don't know what social restrictions apply in India as far as homosexuality goes, I'm guessing it might vary by region and religion, but you did say that you live in a homophobic environment, so I do see that cultural issues might be a significant barrier for you, and perhaps you feel that living in a hard-to-come-by lesbian relationship, no matter how unsatisfactory, is better than taking the chance of being alone for the rest of your life, but you have to push that down and convince yourself that if you take the risk you'll be rewarded.

In answer to your question about wasting your time....No, you shouldn't perceive it as a waste of time. Life is full of people who we cross paths with, many of them bring a lesson for us, what the lesson is often doesn't become apparent for some time.

Whatever, you shouldn't feel guilty for, or afraid of, seeking happiness and contentment that doesn't involve people who take a lot but give little back.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
INDIAANON
on Mar 13 2018 at 09:55
Member since: 03 March 2018
Dear MSJHEXTALL,

Thank you for your encouraging words, I am grateful to this forum for enabling this kind of interaction. I feel like you can see my problems without actually knowing me and that’s a credit to you MSJHEXTALL.

I want to clarify that I do not suffer from low self-esteem. I am perfectly clear that I am indeed lovable.

I am loved but just not the way I want to be loved.

It’s been a case of luck of the draw that this perfectly beautiful person is content with our current relationship while I am burning up on the inside.

I wouldn’t say she is selfish because she is not in denial of our problem.

She is considerate towards me and my feelings, except for the intimacy.

We are essentially great friends who live together but we are not lovers. I think you hit it on the nail calling us habitual roommates.

I should make sure that goes on my epitaph.

I feel obliged to her because we met a long time ago when things were difficult for the lgbt community in India. She was very brave and gave me courage to build a life and home together. I am fiercely loyal and so is she and neither of us have ever cheated or even strayed.

Talking to her is saddening because she tells me she is helpless and that in turn makes me feel at a loss.

I did push to the point of questioning her sexuality but it just doesn’t seem to matter. You can imagine what it does to me when she says things like “why don’t you just sleep with someone and get it over with?”

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
INDIAANON
on Mar 13 2018 at 11:01
Member since: 03 March 2018
Dear MsJHextall,

My previous post mostly dealt with my feels around intimacy and the status of my relationship. I would like to touch upon a few other things.

The reality of facing life on my own is crippling.

My challenge is the isolation. Though I thrive in solitude, the idea of living alone makes it very hard to take a step in the direction of breaking up this fragile bond I share with her. I don’t know how to move ahead because I don’t have an ounce of courage.

I have issues trusting people which inhibit me from making friends. Though I intermittently hang out with people I do not have any close bonds because I treat people with courtesy but keep my distance. They in turn read this as aloofness and keep their distance.

In my immediate social territory (workplace and accommodation) single women are frowned upon and spinsters are shunned. So I think this environment I live is also enabling my isolation. I have often thought about leaving this city but I know I will never do it. In my defence I grew up here so I feel I have deep roots to some of the places here.

The hard-to-come-by lesbian relationship is probably a truism because the lgbt community in my local area is a motley crowd. I don’t connect with any of them on any level and some of them are college goers passing through this city.

I am financially independent, good looking, intelligent and very well read. But the idea of leading a life on my own is so unnerving, I just cannot register the idea.

I hope we can keep the conversation going, thank you.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HAPI1
on Mar 13 2018 at 15:27
Member since: 13 March 2018
Hello there Indiaanon,

boy, what a tale, but first let me say to you that you are, and were right to not have gone any further with the heterosexual relationship or marriage if you know in your heart that you are not into men any longer, that would be totally unfair on him and despite what your parents hoped for or may have tried to do for you it is really NOT a good thing for you.

Happiness is something that is very important and is key to a persons vitality and well being, your security can also depend a lot on happiness and how it is allowed to flourish or not in the bigger picture.

I do not think it is too late for you to meet someone new and more loving than your partner, part of the closeness of a relationship is all about the kinship and intimacy as well as the freindship and caring. Not having intimacy is no good for your soul or your physical needs or your emotional needs.

What is the point of this relationship albeit a kindish one that it is not giving you the wholeness of what you need and I am sure would like to give back intimately to your partner.

Being with somone you cannot begin to be intimate with and are forced into celibacy is not a healthy relationship, if the celebacy was a thing that you were happy with and you were waiting like some people do for religeous beliefs of not sleeping with a chosen, loving or arranged partner because that is something you are happy to do or is part of another sort of belief system and are ok to do is something completely different, but you are not happy in this relationship or if I have got this right you are not happy with the celebacy it sounds like something you are doing to try to compromise or heal this situation, your body knows it as much as your heart and soul!! and that must be making you feel sad, frustrated, unfulfilled and probably not loved in the way you really need.

Please find the courage, the new courage you had that made you decide not marry or be with men anymore and put that energy into kindly talking with your other half and just say I cant go on like this, I am not happy and I love you but my feelings have chaged, the love we have togaehter is not enough for me any longer, I love you but anm not in love with you and I would like us to separate for a while.

I think if you do this it will give you some thinking time and space to not feel so hemmed in by this, I actually feel that this relationship is stale, and pretty much dead!!!

If seperating is something you think you can do it will give you proper time to think and if you think I made a mistake to separate wont be a final thing, if of course you think, no, I just want to end this then maybe you should and give yourself time to heal again and be you.

You were brave to have taken the steps you have, and so you musnt let that bravery keep you in a state of unhappiness, im sorry to hear about the homophobia, that’s a difficult thing to deal with, but you don’t have to shout your sexuality around if you are not someone that wants other people to judge you. Our sex lives and sexuality are nobody else’s right to know, they are no body else’s business and this is your life and if you want to keep parts of your intimate self private then no one has any kind of right to out you or to try to bully or get your sexuality out of you.

Why to people think they have a right to know somehtin as personal as that, what good are the hetrosexual people’s views to you anyway as a gay woman, why do they need to know if your private life wont interferre with their lives anyway on an intimate level. Does anyone ask what goes on in a man and womans private life when you go out for a meal, do people try and guess what others do? It’s the same thing for you, so if you are not comfortable with it, just tell people why are you asking this is none of your business whether I am straight or gay. People like that are immature and ignorant, and it is better to not entertain their small minds.those people who know about you hopefully will not treat you with disrespect.

You don’t need to answer to anyone about your sexuality (whether you are straight and they think you are gay, whether you are gay and they don’t like it, whether you are gay but not everyone knows, its no one’s business to know that side of anyone, this isnt a realisty tv show, and sadly some people seem to treat other people like a project to take on!!!! Don’t get caught up in all of that on top of what you are dealing with.

You have already gone on a major journey, you felt that the man you were with was not right for you and now your feelings are telling you this woman is not the right person for you either. If you still want another woman in your life then why not; this is not the only woman in the world!!!!

Don’t feel that the age gap is somehting to fearm either, different people will bring different things to you, there are many older and younger people who are as alive as fun to be around and they can also outstrip people of their age groups or steryotypes regarding intellegence, maturity, great fashion sense, tenderness, humour, expression and communication whatever….you have to let the right people into getting closer and let the ones that do not treat you properly or care enough to want to talk with you or share the burden things or sort things out however difficult because they care enough to want to be with you.

You sound like a lady that has a lot to offer, ok: so this woman taught you how to cook, there are lots of couples who have learned things from their other half (male or female) but wouldn’t you rather meet someone new and fresh and sparkling who loves you back. Just think if you can cook now how a great night in, cooking with someone that you know loves back could makes you feel, someone you can talk to easily about things, someone who will accept you justa s you are and who you find a little flirty but mature and kind where it really matters.someone you can be intimate with but not always heavy, someone that will also cook new things for you instead of the same old dishes, I’ll bet you are eating and keep on eating lol.

Love doesn’t always happen in the first few tries of things so don’t dispair about all of this, this is just another thing you have to face and grow from, as does everyone looking or unhappy in love or rejected.

There are loads of women out there your age, maybe the next one might be a bit younger or older but the thing is im sure the compatibility will be there and if you find that then im sure not only will you feel treated much better but I think you will also be able to stretch your mind and you’ll probably find more of the security and deep happiness that it sounds like you genuinly deserve (but are missing out on so much right now).

My advice to you is that the spring is coming!!!!! So don’t hold on to the death of winter….shake yourself down (including your confidence) and open yourself out to someone that you feel can show you they care.

Have a spring clean of you and all the winter clutter including this woman and the homophobic attitudes of those aroudn that are stiffling your spirit. Look to the changing time and flowers and nature to heal your spirit. The woman you are with is keeping you trapped in the winter season. Its time to change and like the clocks MOVE FORWARD!!!!

Caring isnt always hearts and flowers, sometimes its hearing the plain truth or being challenged if youre in the wrong, but if it is done out of care, initial respect or to try and put things right with somone that you can talk to or want to get to know then that is a start, the imtimacy can always follow.

ive read your letter again and so i think: 12 years!!!! And are living separate lives anyway practically….THEN NO: MAKE THE CHANGES NOW because if you don’t then you really will be WASTING your TIME…and your preciouis life.

YOU ARE WITH A GROWN WOMAN< SHE IS OLDER THAN YOU< SO DONT WORRY THAT SHE WONT FIND HER WAY OUT, she may already be meeting someone anyway behind your back for all we know, who in their right mind would encourage their partner to sleep with another and say they didn't mind!!!! no that sounds dodgy and an avoidance of some kind of guilt, maybe she likes someone and just wants you gone anyway so is withholding sex so you go or get mad with her...she is well aware of what she is doing to your feelings so say goodbye and get your dignity back and some real fun and with someone who will really love you. 12 years!!! ok, but 13... that's a very unlucky number (if you stay in this mess),get out and live your live.

Find someone new and live your life again. There is no point in this. I think new freidns can be found if you let go of the old ways, heal from the split you know you need to make and start again.

There are still options for you even in a closetted world, but unless you make the breadk that you need to you are just feeding the enldess unhappiness and lonliness you have inseide your heart.

You deserve so much more than this. And I cant think that the other person is that happy in this either.

Obviously, think about where you are going to stay before you break the bad news incase this person has the home you live in. don’t end up with your things on the front pavement or garden, retreat to friends or family and then take the courage.

MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU….but more importantkly, you must take the courage to do what you know needs to be done.

What you have in this relationship is no longer good for you and it is no longer real love.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
INDIAANON
on Mar 13 2018 at 16:36
Member since: 03 March 2018
Dear Hapi1,

Thank you for your detailed response. The warmth in your words has touched me. Thank you.

I apologize for making it seem like my whole relationship with my present partner has been a mess. Actually we have been quite happy for most of the time. For the most part of these 12 years I have been working on building a career, a home and a life together. There are a few things which have been incorrectly assumed regarding her chastity and intentions. But I don’t want to go into details because it’s irrelevant whereas your intention is good.

I have another house where I can go, so displacement is not a concern. I probably will look like an idiot to my siblings and mother, but that’s okay because they are family and will stand by me.

It is the forced celibate state that gets me worked up. I cannot get my mind around it. I think and overthink things but there is no cognitive response for this rejection of physical intimacy. I can assure you we are both attractive people with good bone structure! How can one stoke a fire where there are no sparks? The bitterness has crept in now and I know indifference will follow.

I now feel like I should have quit this relationship when I had quit the marriage. Instead I jumped from the frying pan into the fire. The regret just makes me sigh over and over again.

Thank you for your thoughtfulness.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HEXTALL
on Mar 14 2018 at 00:47
Member since: 11 May 2018
Hi India,

OK, so what you really fear is that if you leave and start a new chapter in your life you won't ever meet another partner and you'll be alone and isolated forever. As someone who has lived alone most of my adult life I can understand, even in a country where single women are part of the mainstream and no one bats an eyelid at spinsters, being alone and completely self-reliant isn't an easy lifestyle choice. When you say you have another house where you could go, would this be living with your family? I think that would be quite difficult, they may stand by you and not say anything, but the silent judgement, (the unspoken 'I told you so'), would probably be there and that would be awkward and irritating for you.

From everything you say, it really sounds like you should get out of the relationship, no matter what it takes, because it's only a matter of time before the bitterness and resentment start eroding the core friendship between the two of you. You said that you met her through an online dating site, maybe you should get back on there and consider venturing outside of your comfort zone? I know it's very scary when you're shy, but the world's full of people who feel the same way you do, stuck in a convenient but unhealthy relationship and unsure which way to turn, afraid they'll never meet someone else to fill the void. Even if you connected with someone who doesn't live in your city, would it really be so bad to try a new life somewhere else? It's not like your home city's going to disappear and you couldn't go back. Would you leave if you knew that you were going to meet the love of your life and be happy and contented? That is the question..... :-)

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
MAMABEAR
on Mar 14 2018 at 01:32
Member since: 06 March 2016
You're getting some excellent advice here, and I hope it's helping. At least you know you're not alone in your struggles, and that counts for something.

Have you tried the coin flip trick? Not saying to hang a decision this huge on a coin flip. It's a simple exercise I use to help me figure out what I really want, without all the "background noise". Quiet your mind as much as you can, close your eyes, and ask yourself the big question. "Do I stay, or do I go?" Assign stay to heads and go to tails (again- no coin necessary- just in your head). Now toss the coin, and pay attention. It doesn't matter how it lands. What matters, is what you root for while it's in the air. It's a reflex that will override the clutter in this situation. It doesn't mean that's what you have to do, but it's a good place to start, and it really does help give your innermost wants a voice. Listen to your own voice, as trying to go against your true wants and needs will never work long term.

I don't envy your road ahead, regardless of the decision. If you stay, you're guaranteed continued dissatisfaction in your romantic life. Which can only lead to resentment, which is terminal for any relationship. If you go, you're taking a risk. A risk that you may be more or less happy, and on your own. Honestly? After leaving my marriage and taking that risk? I highly recommend betting on yourself. You're stronger than you know. A split means pain, but it can be tolerable when you know you're doing the right thing. Even after 24 years of marriage, and sheer terror at the prospect of being on my own, I am SO GLAD I took a step I couldn't take back and gambled on myself. Even if I hadn't found the love of my life, I was already so much happier without the constant wondering "why doesn't he feel the way I do?", and "what am I doing wrong?" and "will it ever be better, or like it used to be?" and all the rest of it. You would be amazed at how much stress you're carrying you may not even know is there. Since you have family you could stay with, have you thought about asking for a trial separation? With the understanding that you may explore connecting with new people? That may be worth some consideration...

Also, I wanted to ask if your SO is possible aromantic/asexual? I ask because I have experience with both of those. If she is indeed either or both, that is not something that is going to change. Some people arrive at those orientations through trauma or other factors. But in my experience, some people are just wired that way. As for myself, I'm demisexual. Which simply means I'm asexual outside of a bonded and committed relationship. It's not about morals or anything like that. It's not a choice for me. Until or unless I meet and grow to trust someone I connect with naturally, I simply lack any drive for anything physical. Even my references and understanding of all things romantic/sexual disappear outside of a relationship. For some people, they are aromantic/asexual regardless of relationship status. If this is how your SO identifies, at least you'd know it has nothing to do with you, but that it also will not change, regardless of your needs or wants. In the case of the latter, you're only choice is to move on, unless you're okay with forfeiting the possible of ever having a physically intimate relationship with her. It's not fair, but it's not a choice, and it may be another conversation worth having, if you haven't already.

One last thing: when was the last time you spoiled yourself a little? New makeup, hairdo, outfit(s), travel, adventure, etc? Invest a little in yourself, and get to know yourself again, seperately from your SO. Just spend a little time with yourself, doing things you enjoy. Sometimes, that's the quickest way to find our way back to ourselves. Regardless of your decision, you'll be a happier and healthier person, which can only bring better things for you, and anyone in your life. Relationship struggles are exhausting, and you should make sure you're taking extra good care of yourself. Start little, if that helps.

I sure hope things become clearer for you. We're here for you, and hope you keep us posted. <3

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
INDIAANON
on Mar 14 2018 at 10:33
Member since: 03 March 2018
Dear MsJHEXTALL and MamaBear,

Thank you for taking the time to give me some honest advice. I am grateful and will pray that God bless you in everything that you do.

You both have given me immense support; I am indebted to your kindness.

I hope to be able to gather my courage to make a decision and decide on my future course of action.

@ MsJHEXTALL , Yes, the other house I could go to is my mother’s. You are right when you say the unspoken words will hang heavy in the air. I should salvage this friendship rather than destroy it along with everything else that’s going down. I agree with you. This friendship is important to me.

About looking at dating online, I cannot think on those lines.

I just want to take time for myself and heal first. I am not afraid of loneliness just cannot have it imposed on me. It would also be very unfair on the new somebody if I were to carry all this baggage into that relationship.

Would I leave if I knew that I was going to meet the love of my life and be happy and contented? The honest answer is Yes, I would. Why wouldn’t I? But the truth is I don’t know in advance, no one does. I have to take that risk and find out, right? Yes, I understand.

@MamaBear, I got hold of a coin after I read your post and I have it with me. I haven’t flipped it yet. I already know what I want but letting go is such a hard thing to do.

A trial separation sounds good, maybe I will bring it up.

Thank you for your positive energy and kindness. I will try to focus on me, for a change. I need it.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
MAMABEAR
on Mar 14 2018 at 11:24
Member since: 06 March 2016
Huge hugs to you, and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. If you ever need to talk, or want to keep us updated, we're here. Good for you for reaching out, and I'm happy we could help in any way. Wishing you all the best, and remember to take care of yourself!! <3
My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HAPI1
on Mar 14 2018 at 16:19
Member since: 13 March 2018
Dear indiaanon,

Thank you for such a lovely starting response, how kind of you to say such things; it is me who is touched by your kind thoughts…really! Thank you, it means a lot as I think in these situations you have to be frank (but not harsh for the sake of it, but if honesty calls for it then I believe in just that, not everyone likes that but that is the writing style I have).

Apologies for not getting the whole tale correct, I am often online when I don’t have a great deal of time and therefore I don’t always get chance to really read the post and its replies, but I shall print them and read them tonight…so if I write and have missed things others have said again apologies to you and them, I get an urge to reply and that’s that hahaa…

No, it’s quite ok for you to not wish to go into details that are either irrelevant to what is going on or are not an area that you wish to discuss, I’m fine with that.

It does sound though like you are readying yourself to take stock of this situation, but what I would say regardless of how this person is treating you away from the bedroom in every other area is don’t be fooled that things are really going to change in the intimacy steaks, 2 sparks that are not firing after so much time together and so much time elapsed (especially if she is or has said to you or hinted why not sleep with another and get it over with is not really the sort of progressive pro-active environment I would feel comfortable staying in a moment longer).

I get you are a loving person, and I am sure there was a time when you really did bond and gel more, but sometimes the way to solve things and to stop wasting time (as you ask about whether that is what has been the case) is to look at things in the here and now…this is as they are now and despite my best efforts I am not sure something so fundamental as a physical shift in being is going to be something that is so easy to achieve; I think that this (and quite rightly so) is something you want and as a partner need, but I also think that’s where part of the problem is coming from and will continue to come from, the person that needs to be putting something in to make things work is no longer you, it sounds to me as though you have done your part with trying to initiate a physical as well as psychological bond and have been rebuffed. That is hurtful however you look at things, we are I believe social bonding creatures and we need loving and belonging, it distinguishes the difference between the different kinds of forms of love in a relationship. The lovers kind (unless mutually agreed and comfortable with it) really does need the intimacy, especially at your ages.

If you were both much much older and one of you were not able or willing to be so bothered it might be a different story, however this is not the case, and I feel it is criminal almost to continue in this thread – especially as it is making you so unhappy.

Living alone and any other challenges you fear will not be as awful as you think they will, the fear is the thing that is holding you back along with the uncertainty, so look to the things you are certain about and let them take you forward, think about how unhappy you are, think about although this person is a good person they are not right for you in terms of sex drive and emotional or spiritual growth right now, you both deserve to be happy and If you don’t even have sparks the chemistry has no chance to ignite, infect I would say the chemicals have poisoned the one thing you need, a fresh new life (in time yes, then why not be friends with this person, but for now I would get out of this and just enjoy getting your real self-back again (not that I think that will take much doing as you sound pretty resilient and smart about things).

When you have had a few weeks totally without her, get yourself spruced up and go dancing, even if it is in another region where you won’t know people, if you go with close friends or family if they know of your sexuality then do that, I think just letting go of everything will serve you well to be able to open up to new possibilities and lighten the intense weight on your shoulders and in your soul.

I think it will be the best thing you do is to say goodbye, and if it were me I would want to say it before Easter starts!!!! As you will be under more pressure from family possibly or your partner, but not in a bad way, the thing is expectation – especially at holiday times can bring more pressure and make you feel a need to join in with things and playing happy families and happy relationships in a sense, just because it is a time marketed as a happy occasion.

I wouldn’t bother thinking about dating, but I do think go and have some fun socially and see what is out and about for you if you celebrate Easter, even if you don’t celebrate it, there is nothing to stop you going to a dance or seeing a film or being with friends at that time is there, there will be a light atmosphere in most places and I feel the good vibes will pick you r spirits up a bit, also if you do go out to a gay venue for a bit of dancing or to socialise etc., you will be able to see (well to look at anyway) others and if people flirt a little it will boost your esteem, yes, I know your esteem isn’t low and you are both attractive, but there isn’t anyone alive that doesn’t like a little bit of attention, it doesn’t have to go anywhere but it’s nice!

I wouldn’t bother with online dating either really until you are back to where you where before you felt the way you did, there is a lot of fake people, liars and users on those sights, I think meeting people first if you can is usually the best way, and besides, you have to eventually meet online people anyway so you may as well save your good personality and character the bother of potentially getting a raw deal, didn’t you say you met this person online anyway…no, I’m not trying to link the two because I am very aware I don’t know her or you, but what meeting people will do is show you how intimate they may be a lot quicker as you get more idea of their behaviours and social cues on things etc…

I really think you will not only be ok to say goodbye, but I think you will fly in yourself and once you get the first 2 weeks over you will wonder what took you so long to stay ion something that was not really productive or as close as you needed.

But I do think unless you make a move you are just letting things corrode and stagnate, you said you are already feeling the bitterness come in, don’t do what most people do and let that bitterness fuel deeper and turn on you, it is not a healthy emotion and is a sign that you DO need to get out of this.

Remember the spring!!!!!!! It is all about new starts and new growth.

I’ll bet there are many people out there that would love to be with you, so get yourself back to the lovely old you and you will meet your share of kind caring and compatibly loving individuals.

Don’t worry about what happens to her, she is a grown woman and she will also be ok from this all, it is feeling for another who does not feel the same in a way that you cannot be whole with that is partly the reason you are in the situation you are in I feel. You care too much and wanted to try to do the right thing by others.. you forgot about what is right for you r HEART!!!!!!

You now have another chance to put that right!!!!...so take up my spring challenge Ms India!!!! And your heart won’t regret it…I GUARANTEE IT….

And if I am wrong, then you can come back and tell me and I won’t mind a bit, I will be sad for you that the break didn’t work, but I feel sure you will FLY and your heart will find a happier beat to dance to.

Ps, never mind all that regret about what you should have done, you had the frying pan and ran into the fire (which makes me smile as I’ve also spent my life ruining from one to the other!!!! Haha. But im still jumping and can still smile about it all (in time), so never mind about the fire or frying pan that have burned you , your family love you and you have a safety net to turn too so use the fire you once ran from to build a fire to keep your inner most spirits alive, watch those coals glow in your heart and look out for the sparks to catch with another sometime when you meet with them who will be only too willing and able to give you back the REAL LOVE that is TOTALLY COMPATIBLE TO WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU NEED AND WHAT YOU DESERVE.

Ok, I’m Sending you lots of love and thoughts along with the others posting on this sitaution. Hapi1 

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Mar 15 2018 at 02:15
Member since: 27 December 2013
Some very nice and thoughtful back and forth here...

But, what do you attribute her loss of libido to? Is she ill?

Do you suspect her attentions are turned to another person?

Is she being passive- aggressive, hoping that you will be the first to call it quits because she also doesn't have the courage to end this?

Are you supporting her financially?

I'm just trying to get a handle on this - since it just all doesn't "fit" without an explanation.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
INDIAANON
on Mar 15 2018 at 07:16
Member since: 03 March 2018
Dear Hapi1,

I am truly comforted by your words. I don’t think I will be actively socializing but I shall keep the spring challenge in mind.

I agree with you when you say sparks will probably never fly because so much time has elapsed when so much ground could have been gained. It is my fault as well because I used to get very insecure about my appearance. I would try not to pressure her but give her space while trying to understand her reluctance.

Usually family holidays are stressful times though this Easter Weekend I plan to be with my mom. I have noticed that I easily cry on long cab rides and in church. I am looking forward to Good Friday partly because I could cry unabashedly. I know that is wrong on some level but it is intensely cathartic for me.

I take your advice seriously to exercise caution with online dating. I don’t intend to date anywhere in the near future but when I do, I shall be careful.

Once again, thank you for your sincere warmth and kindness.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
INDIAANON
on Mar 15 2018 at 08:19
Member since: 03 March 2018
Dear SusieDQQ,

Yes, the back and forth writings have helped me because I am able to see my problem in a better light. The collective wisdom of people willing to help and share their stories is incerdible.

Thank you for asking these questions, I will try and answer them as much as I possibly can.

Honestly these are some things that have been on my mind lately.

“what do you attribute her loss of libido to? Is she ill?” – No, She is not ill.

Her loss of libido, I think is an intellectual response, more like a conscious decision.. I have a strong faith in God and though not a frequent church goer, I have a little altar at home where I light the candle and say my prayers. She tells me that she needs to protect me because I believe in God and don’t understand the ways of people. I think because she sees me as someone she protects she probably cannot see me in a sexual light. Does that make sense?

I also think she has an issue acknowledging all things lesbian.

I am your typical lesbian who ships on TV or movie lesbian couples; watch all the shows featuring a lesbian character etc. She on the other hand makes it a point to never watch or discuss these shows. So we don’t have any lesbian themed conversations. We also don’t have conversations around marriage equality, or any lgbt issues. This has been a bone of contention between us and I take solace from discussing stuff with other enthusiasts on forums, facebook groups etc.

“Do you suspect her attentions are turned to another person?”

No. There is no suspicion because it is not in her nature to cheat. She is just not built that way. She is an honest and loyal person.

“Is she being passive- aggressive, hoping that you will be the first to call it quits because she also doesn't have the courage to end this?”

I think of this a lot. She loves mind games. It was her quick wit and charm that captivated me but early on I realized she liked toying with my feelings. I took it as an intrinsic flaw and worked around it. It is my core belief that love can win over anything. But she certainly knows which buttons to press.

About a year ago, she told me that I curb her style on the socializing front. I totally agree with her on that and we have mutually agreed to not go out together. We do have our dinner dates or movie dates but I don’t go out to birthday parties or celebrations of any kind.

Another reason we don’t go out together anymore is because she’s started to refer to me as a distant cousin. This was a new development. I was quite torn about it and we had a terrible fight over it. Her argument is that we live in a society which does not acknowledge this relationship as a legitimate one. She also said that I should realize which country I live in. I told her it was her problem and it’s got nothing to do with the country. Because even if we were in a lgbt friendly country she would still act the same way and she conceded.

I think her newfound conformity is an offshoot of the success of her career. She wants to seem like a single person I think and it pains me a lot to go along with the charade.

What we have is a personality clash which has become a bigger problem than it really is. She is an outgoing gregarious person; she gets along with anyone really because she is charming and genuinely a nice person. I am more laid back and quite shy around people.

She loves movies while I love reading or writing stuff. Our taste in music is poles apart and we used to have fun discovering these differences together. The very things that attracted us to each other in the first place, now stick out like a sore thumb.

“Are you supporting her financially?” No, she is secure. Neither of us supports the other financially and we mostly buy stuff for the house together.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Mar 15 2018 at 09:52
Member since: 27 December 2013
Your partner can't/won't fully commit. So she has regulated you to a "distant cousin" status and withholds needed affection.

Is this good enough for you?

Consider a separation and see if she gets her priorities straight.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HAPI1
on Mar 15 2018 at 16:36
Member since: 13 March 2018
He there indiaanon,

My reply to you is really coming of the back of Susie’s post so I hope that is ok on all sides. I read them because I wanted to see a little more of what the situation is. Basically the more I read on this situation, the more I see this woman is clipping your wings and the sooner you fly from your rusting cage (whilst you can still!!!!!) the better it will be.

Don’t worry about the life you’ve lead before meeting her in terms of cosited or whatever you said, the point is that the next person you meet will also let you grow and if they love you they really will let you grow in the way you need and still allow you to be you. Whatever has gone on before or not for you….

I’m really glad you will be spending time with your mother. Yes, cry cry cry at the Good Friday service, let it all out. Crying is so healthy and it will help you get the different emotions out of your system.

It’s the best way to heal and it will mean that you are addressing things in the correct way to heal your spirit. It’s putting on a brave face with situations in life that usually prolongs the pain of it all.

Ok, so you don’t want to hit the dance floor just yet …(ah well that’s just too bad on your part I’m afraid as I was all ready to tell you get your dancing shoes on and for us to hit the town (in a platonic way of course hahaha); but I am guessing the taxi fare to India might not be as feasible as id hoped ;) but seriously: it’s understandable that you want to distance yourself from the whole dating frenzy, but the upside is that when you DO leave this person, you will not be able to believe how good freedom feels and how much space to breathe you will have, but you will start to get your creative and spiritual side in a place that can see you more balanced, more content and more on an emotional even keel.

Ok, so it might be a bit of a challenge at first whenever you do take the courage to end this very unhappy relationship; but you are stronger than you realise on this one, don’t underestimate that you (and all of us really in times of trouble) can draw on strength that we never thought we had, sometimes its only when we look back we realise how far we came and can say or feel, hey I got through that ok.

Use the church and your spiritual side too to get through this patch, I’m sure your mother will be a lot easier knowing that you are going to be ok, that is something you have achieved because you worked on it and in your heart knew it was the right thing. So I hope you have a lovely time with her.

It’s interesting to me that you said you are lesbian only in name, I don’t really know what you mean there, but what I think you really are is in a relationship only in name!!! it isn’t really a relationship, it’s the long drawn out result of not wanting to hurt someone who is hurting you because they cannot meet your true needs (even in a compromising sort of way), I’m not trying to disparage this girl, but it’s a fact , she cannot meet your needs and the fact that this has gone from the physical to the internal (i.e. a real sadness for you) means that as you say yourself is not something that she even stimulates your mind or outside of work likes. Being together is about sharing, enjoying things, recognising differences and allowing breathing space but at the same time coming together to try new things and explore.

Lots of opposites can make it work, lots of folks similar can make it work, but I suspect what they all have is more of a balanced understanding of what they and the other person need.

I would be a bit anxious if I were in your shoes of someone telling me they needed to protect me because of whatever faith I chose or did not chose to be part of. That sort of talk d9oesnt sound like someone who has much empathy or feeling regarding other people and may seem to see the world through their pretty strong and over intellectualised eyes. We all have moments where we are smart, dumb sounding, are vulnerable, questioning etc…and in a relationship you surely should be able and open to express yourself in a manner that makes you feel safe and trusted without having to answer to the person that you are actually choosing to spend your life with at that time etc.

The little alter sounds delightful, I think you should find someone who also cherishes the spiritual side of life a lot more than she does, someone who notices the small things in life that can delight the soul, birdsong, candlelight a river in a woodland…that sort of thing.

No I am sure, the more I read the reply from Susie, mind games!!!!! She is older than you and is still resorting to mind games….that along with her attitude is all about power albeit a subtle version.

I don’t think this woman respects you at all and I suspect that her behaviours towards you are that she doesn’t respect you. If I thought she was the sort of person that was good for you and worth fighting for then I might suggest things that might help to smooth things over, but I don’t believe she is the one for you anymore.

Every time you see the sun (even between the tears of it all) think of that as nature’s way of telling you the spring is coming and that you have made a little bargain to take up the spring challenge and smile to yourself that very soon you will be free of this person that is draining the happiness from your heart.

I find it odd that she says you don’t understand the ways of people, when it is her that cannot see how badly the non-intimacy has taken its toll on you and your relationship together, you say this woman is intellectual, but I am not really seeing an intellectual person here, knowledge is a wonderful thing, but in the wrong hands it can become a tool to manipulate and set an endless stream of fine agenda’s that can weave a person into a spell or into a position of weakness just like a spider and a fly sort of thing. But fortunately you are seeing things now as they really are and that in itself is the starting to you having the courage you spoke about earlier when you say you don’t have any.

I’m not sure the stereotypical lesbian thing is really that big a deal, I think it is more of the case that you are not compatible with this woman and that is making you look to things that have become magnified simply because there is a part of you that doesn’t understand how you could have been so loyal and yet felt so empty for so long in this. Its human nature to look to finding out why about things, but I think If you meet the right person, they will be mature enough not to fall into the trap of thinking or living their lives in a certain way for or against anything, they will challenge you they will stimulate your mind they will show you different ways and enjoy the same shared and enjoyed ways with you, it’s just about the individual living and compromising with you, it’s not about gay norms dictate this, straight women always do this, bisexuals tend to…it’s just what it is for that person and you and you work with the different things you have to being to the relationship, good and bad, but if you want the same things in the bigger picture to talk it over and work together etc.

A lot of people think they have a type of person for years and years, but then all of a sudden they find themselves in love with another and they say I’m really surprised this is not my type but they are also happy because they found someone that just gets them.

Whatever happens, there is no need to look to your part in all of this or hers anymore, the situation is where it is at at this moment for a whole host of reasons; picking over it all will not help you to do what you do need to do in all of this.

Don’t also be too hard on yourself, you have had a long term relationship with someone to whom all this is new for you, so you will naturally draw so many negatives or cling to the positives (even if they won’t help you move on) simply because you don’t have much experience to draw from in this kind of lifestyle, but it is not the end of the world or the end of your romantic love life, it is the beginning and the sooner you end this the sooner you can heal and let the sun shine in what has been a very gloomy chamber.

I will be watching to see what happens in the spring miss India haha…so you must summon all the strength and courage you have to deliver your goodbyes!!!! If you cannot do it verbally (if for some reason you fear an argument or endless tears or manipulation begging you to not leave etc.)? then you could always leave her a note may be a day or two before you go to spend time with your mother. But if she is vindictive in anyway? make sure no harm can come of your possessions if you deliver this bombshell, (I’m sure that wouldn’t happen, ) but like I say, I don’t know this girl so forgive me if I am getting too carried away with the scenario!!! Just know that there is no telling what some people do when spurned. Even people you think you know, particularly if they see you as an item rather than a full person.

What do you think about telling her before Easter? It’s a stressful time yes, but just think of the relief that will follow when you break up from work for Easter!!!!

Ok, i do hope you do leave this person, talking about it is one thing, but I really really do believe if you want to get your life back and on track to a more spiritually fulfilled and happy contented self it will be your actions that will allow that to happen, not just words or thoughts that keep chewing over in fear and or asking “but what if….”

I really don’t believe the what if in your story will bring you anything that is going to benefit you or allow you the chance to make a new start.

“What if” you had taken the steps to walk down with the aisle with that man you had been seeing…see….its the same kind of what’s if that isn’t going to really unlock the key to your true happiness…..you knew it then and you know it now….and that is what your true self desires need from what I can read of your posts and replies.

Have a little faith in yourself and your courage too. And it won’t let you down.

What will let you down is to stay in a situation that is killing you on the inside!!!!!

LET US KNOW HOW YOU GET ON….the hapi1 

:-)

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
MAMABEAR
on Mar 15 2018 at 16:37
Member since: 06 March 2016
This is heartbreak... She's ashamed f who she is. Which is not something a relationship cannot survive. She's waging war against her true self and she'll not be capable of connecting with anyone else until or unless she makes peace with who she is.

Unless you're willing to continue to be dissatisfied and are prepared for continued devaluation, you need to end it. Thanks will not get better. Only worse. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who denies their own feelings. The resentment will eventually reach lethal levels, and you'll lose even the friendship.

I wish I had more hopeful words, but I've seen this too many times. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, and I hope you find some resolution and peace soon. Huge hugs

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
MAMABEAR
on Mar 15 2018 at 16:41
Member since: 06 March 2016
*which is something a relationship cannot survive

*Things will not

Can't find my glasses

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HAPI1
on Mar 15 2018 at 19:26
Member since: 13 March 2018
i agree with mamabear and actually every post on this, we are all saying the same thing. there ares o many sparkling people out there of all sorts of sexuality, some of them you can meet as freinds, others as confedantes some may be good to go dancing with (no pun here, i mean good people to let your hair down with and for it to feel safe and not sexual in any way) and then in time meet someone who stands out as someone special, caring, honest and capable of tender intimacy.

you do deserve more than you have got, a lot more.

so come on, deep breath and do what you all know we hope you can find the courage to do.

there is no good time to do this, but there can only be a healthier and happier character courage building and life enhancing chance to fly free from the shackles and shadows this woman has brought into your life.

yes she has shown you your true sexuality perhaps, but she hasnt shown you true love,,,,,dont breadk yourself down anyfurther than you are at now.

there will be another who loves you and can show you love and will accept you whether you are shy, or not and can addapt to you even if she is not as shy as you are. its about respect, love communciation and tenderness. go find it , she is out there and would love to meet you when you are ready to be with her.take care. hapi1

we all love ya....so show us that you care back and leave this sitaution. ive never felt so strongly or certain about a post for a long time.

your character really shines through (even amidst the sadness you are facing).

show us and yourself you do have courage to leave this person.

we all want you to fly.

please let us know that you are ok after easter, its a genuine thing im asking and i dont ask that often.

and remember if you lose faith in this: JUST FOLLOW YOUR HEART AND LAITEN TO ITS SAD SONG...IT IS TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING...and as a spiritual person, i believe as another spiritaul person, its is in your hearts interest to listen when it speaks!

i will light a candle for you tonight, so take care, and i'll catch up with you no doubt again.

XXXX the hapi1 :)

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HEXTALL
on Mar 16 2018 at 01:50
Member since: 11 May 2018
Hi India,

SusieDQQ raised interesting questions and I think your answers are the answer to your whole dilemma. Your partner checked out of the relationship a long time ago and you've waited for her to check back in, but you're coming around to the realisation that it isn't going to happen, and that's why you're feeling so helpless at the moment, you're at a major fork in the road of your life. This belief she has that you need protecting because you believe in God and don't understand the ways of people. Wow, what's that about? To me that's very belittling towards you, painting you as naive and incapable of dealing with 'The Big Cruel World'. It doesn't matter how good the intentions appear, it's undermining you, and enough years of being the 'child' in any relationship will leave a person doubting their own choices and decisions, (if they can actually can still make a choice or decision of their own after being infantilised for so long). Many people would see that as extremely manipulative, and I'm one of them. I also think Mamabear has hit the nail on the head as to the real reason why your partner has no interest in physical intimacy, she may feel deep guilt and shame about her sexuality and is seeking to nullify it by pretending it doesn't exist. She's trying not to live a huge lie and in doing so actually IS living a huge lie.

The other thing that struck me is the public relegation of you to the status of a distant cousin. That must be very, very hurtful.

I'm 100% with the other ladies on this, you really need to move out and move on to heal your soul. I'm sending you some positive energy and thoughts, I want you to find the emotional resilience to get through this. You CAN do it. :-)

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
INDIAANON
on Mar 16 2018 at 08:39
Member since: 03 March 2018
Dear all, thank you!

@Hapi1, thank you for your high spirits, reading everything you write lifts me up too.

I can tell you this, I am breathing easier now.

Ending this relationship has been long time coming and I think it is better to do it now rather than wait for the right time. You are right; there is no good time to end something.

This weekend, I will sit her down and speak to her. I will have to break it to her gently.

I think the Easter weekend is going to be heavy on my mom too. You know she had kind of come around accepting the fact that I would not marry a man and give her grandkids!

Thank you for all your kind words, I will treasure them.

@MamaBear, thank you for your kindness. How can I ever repay this debt?

You have opened my eyes to the reality of my situation.

I am saddened to know my SO has been struggling all this while and doing it on her own.

If only she had told me about it. My SO must be apprised of her condition, I will have to do it gently.

But I must tell her. I owe it to her.

How can she ever be happy if she is fighting her true self?

I will certainly leave this toxic relationship but I will not abandon her.

She deserves to be happy.

I could possibly find her a psychologist to make her understand things better.

Knowing her she will not seek help on her own.

I also think she will be open to the idea knowing that we won’t be together anymore.

As for me, the world has just opened up with endless possibilities!

I can finally see a genuine chance at happiness.

@MsJHextall I am still processing all the different observations and feels like a revelation to me.

Firstly, I am not solely to blame for the failure of this relationship. That is such a huge relief!

Secondly, leaving is imminent because nothing I do can help this relationship.

About being the ‘child’ in the relationship, I know it to be true.

Unlike before I am feeling the first stirring of hope that things will get better.

I am so glad that you were here to advise me. Thank you.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HAPI1
on Mar 16 2018 at 15:32
Member since: 13 March 2018
that is marvellous news, I know that is not the word that would naturally come to mind, but in the greater sense of things it is marvellous, it is marvellous to know that you are beginning to see things in a hopeful way that will allow opportunities, new adventures and a brand new you to emerge out of your chrysalis!!!!

and yes, actually I did light "3" candles for you yesterday night. I got a massive headache after typing to you and it carried on right through the night, I actually thought that was a positive thing as I thought it was a sign that you are thinking so hard about all of this and you are in the stages of actually doing something, today I saw the sun and I smiled on your behalf..cheeky I know haha...but that's how it goes sometimes.

look, leave all this talk of blame behind you, none of you are to blame in the end as you have reached your conclusions and you must look forward now. if it helps you to accept the blame ok that might happen in the talking side of things when you get to tell her all; but don't dwell on any blame for either of you, if it starts to go down that route just say this isn't working anymore, im sorry I have to do this and I don't want to negotiate anymore my mind is made up and there can be no going back.

I would also say don't get caught up in her asking to give you a second chance to change or the begging you not to leave her, you must do what you know will must be.

Your mother will be fine, if she is not just tell her the hapi one is still waiting to go dancing and to get her best shoes polished!!!! but really, she will just want your best interests and happiness. just tell her that you understand that she was hoping for grandchildren and maybe (if you yourself do want children at some point) then you can say if you meet the right person then there still might be an opportunity for that) but for now you just need to sort things out so you can find your true happiness back.

of course it will feel sad etc and that is natural, but im sure its going to feel better sad and in the comfort and loving warmth of your mothers home in private rather than padding around on eggshells crying alone feeling that you have died on the inside.

get some films in, watch things that you know make you laugh, it will feel good, indulge in all of the lovely easter food, walk out if you get the chance in the sunshine and observe the flowers and imagine how that same park or woodland might feel walking with someone new who really enjoys your company, and can share the deep spiritual side of your personality. its all going to come back to you in a positive way creatively things like that always do and again that will be another stepping stone to recovery.

im really glad you are gearing yourself up for this and can see new hope. that is the real reason I stopped by your mail and because I could feel what you were writing and sense the care you took in your kind replies to others.

and something I really do belive good people always will find other good souls on the journey and you will again, only next time you will be that bit wiser in your meeting and getting to know phase etc.

if I were you (I mean if this were me) I would not get too involved with the finding psyhologists or therapists or whatever for this woman, she has no doubt had rejections in her life, she is older than you and you could be in danger of getting caught up emotionally again with all her games and problems, I would recommend you say your bit, listen say it again if she's not getting it to show you are serious and go to the part of your house where you can be on your own or if its late get some headphones and candles on and listen to the things that will make you cry, it is all part of the healing process.

in the morning when you wake you will probably feel glad you got through the night and look to getting through the day the best you can...at times like this its often the evenings that are difficult to bear, but remember, tears are a good thing. and sooner or later it will pass. I don't think it will be 2 years hopefully as I think you will heal more quickly than that because you are already looking forward.

remember, what ever happens, DONT LOOK BACK, DONT BE TEMPTED TO OFFER HER HELP, DONT FALL FOR THE I'M SORRY WE CAN WORK THIS OUT OR I'LL CHANGE AND DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!! its just too late for all of that if you are serious in starting afresh...and I believe you are serious in wanting to get your happiness back. she will be fine, the important thing is that you make the cut off and you keep to what you say and go as quickly as you can. mixed messages and getting weak at this late stage will not be good for your progress and will only be giving her another string to dangle you from to keep you that bit longer.

she doesn't love you in a healthy way and that's all there is too it, remember the spring and also be aware that I will persnally jump out of cyberspace and come looking for you with all of your correspondence from online having obtained a search warrent from the police and written permission from your mother to slap the back s of your legs if you disobey this advice!!!! LOL.

I guess part of my letters are light to you so you don't forget what it is to smile or laugh at times, it sounds as though you have been through it on the emotional scale and so its always a good thing to be reminded that there are other sides to your personality and situation...not just the duff stuff.

if this woman cannot seek help on her own, then that must NOT be your concern...she will seek help trust me if she gets so low or others in her life (but not you) feel concerned about her. she has the resources, the experience of life and is no longer a child, so please if you take nothing away from my mail today, just don't get caught up in her sorrow or games, this is where you will actually find the courage (and you will find it) to keep to your deal. nothing is ever going to change with this woman and nothing is ever going to be invested for long enough to work even if it is promised or seems like it could change....IT WONT, just as a sparrow isn't going to turn into an eagle because it would prefer not to be bothered in the garden with cats prowling the hedgerow....(yes I know haha...) I don't quite know where that one came from either!!!!! :$ but you know what I mean.

just remind your mother that although it is sad for you, you are doing this because you have given it so much thought and being with her was making you so unhappy. but also thank her for standing by you and tell her how nice it is to be with her for easter. im sure she will be worried for you in a good way, but at least you will be able to build even stronger bonds again and at a time that is special. you will get thorogh ok, you've just got to believe in that.

you are actually the strong one now in this story for the first time!!!!!! how about that miss india!!!!!! and in terms of relationships - it will be you who is looking for the sun and you will find it. just remember each day at a time from the moment you break the news and before you know it it will be 2 days, 3 days, a week without her etc...

don't worry about her fighting her true self either, that is not your battle and remember it is her problems that have dragged you down with her, so you just do have to cut lose if you want to really help her see what the real problems are and to heal that much quicker.

I think If you want to get back to talking with her I feel you need to at least let yourself have a month or two without her if not more!!!!!...the danger is that if you go running to her it is what she will come to rely on and before you know where you are you will be questioning if it was right to leave etc....this is the classic mind game you don't want to be trapped by.

every time you talk of feeling sorry for her and saddened that she will have to cope you are losing your momentum, you must keep strong and be clinical about ending with her, of course you don't have to be cruel, but you do have to be honest and re-inforce clearly and firmly that you are not and will not be coming back, it is over.

YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK, and remember EVERY TIME YOU SEE THE SUN smile THINK OF WHAT HOPE IT HAS FOR YOU AND HOW IT WILL RE_FRESH AND HEAL YOUR VERY TIRED HEART.

you cant see it now, but there can only be good things ahead for you once the tears and soul searching have finally lifted, you are over half way there in mind set, its just a case of telling how you feel now and letting the dust settle.

you'll be ok, just be honest and trust your heart, it hasn't let you down yet. if you want real happiness then sometimes you have to make sacrifices. your happiness and your right to be happy with someone that cares about you is yours for the taking.

and I promise you - you are going to feel the warmth of the sun sooner or later....(either that, or the warmth of the palm of my hands on the back of your legs.....haha... the choice is entirely up to you....whichever you would prefer) lol...

ok, reckon that's me done till easter! and like arnie....i'll be back.

take care of yourself and if you are struggling, then maybe look at some good self help books or bits online how to heal a broken heart.

being with the right person WILL REALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE and bring the sun shining back into your empty soul.

if you don't have enough already, I would get a stash of candles at the ready and perhaps a couple of boxes of super-ply tissues on standby...hhmmmm.....something tells me you are going to be having a few late nights!!!!!!!...but remember tears are very healthy! also maybe you could try some herbal sleep aids if you are burning the candles around the clock endlessly...recovering from a broken heart also means not walking in front of traffic because you've had no sleep for the past 12 nights in a row!!!! so remember to eat healthy and live healthy (chocolate is also part of living healthy at this time!!!! haha...) so lttle treats and hope and love and excitement for yourself.

TAKE CARE. as usual, your letter has brightened my day, I am really glad that you are beggining to see that something positive CAN come out of this toxic mess.

remember ... this is gonna be a NEW START....a new adventure...and that is always a good thing to embrace.

ok, that really is it from me till nearer easter. you'll be fine and things will lift up for you eventually. XXXXX maybe the woman you can focus on showing a little love to this easter is your mother.....a bunch of lillies maybe???? the hapi1

:-)

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HAPI1
on Mar 23 2018 at 15:05
Member since: 13 March 2018
indiaanon,

just wondering whether you are ok?

I know I said id catch up with you At Easter time, but the truth is that I have checked in since we last spoke to see if you needed to speak about how you are feeling.

If you need your space ok, then that’s fine, I will leave the communications to Easter which hopefully will see you have a bit more head space, but if you are struggling and need to just talk it over or let go of your feelings a little then hopefully you know that folks are here and i'm sure will only be too happy to hear you out.

I hope things are as (ok) for you as they can be, we are thinking of you and wishing you well.

The hapi1.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
INDIAANON
on Mar 24 2018 at 17:30
Member since: 03 March 2018
Hi Hapi1,

Thank you for checking on me.

I am feeling much better than the last couple of days.

I told my SO that I could not continue this way and she took it quite calmly, almost like she was expecting it.

I also told her she needs help, that didn't go down so well. She decided that she would persue the expert opinion when required.

I have not moved out, because there is a complication I have not addressed here.

We are co-parenting a child adopted 2 years ago.

The reason I didn't talk about this earlier was because the child is not part of problems in our relationship.

I have grown very attached to this kid and don't want to lose out on being a mother to her.

I need to save up money to move out as I don't want to move in with my Mom.

I don't want to lose my independence.

We haven't told anyone that we are separated because we'll do that after I move out.

I know I sound ridiculously calm but I feel much better now than before.

Also I think we have prolonged this break up by doing an in-house separation.

I have a clear end date in my mind.

I know this is not the ideal outcome.

But the way I see it, I get to be around the kid for some more time.

My life would be perfect if I remained involved in the child's life, while we each found loving partners and with consent all around we happily had Sunday meals at the family table.

That would be my idea of a great family.

For now, my interaction with my SO is minimal while we go about our daily lives.

On a side note, this is hilarious, my unconscious mind is trying to flirt on my behalf!!

Here's what happened.

We were (all 3) invited to dinner at my SO's friend's house who happens to be a bisexual woman.

During the course of the evening I noticed her fingers would repeatedly touch mine, by accident like when a dish was passed around or something.

I realised that it wasn't accidentally done but chose to ignore it.

Later, when I was putting the little one to sleep this woman came in and sat on the

Bed as well. I was stroking the child and she copied me.

Then quite suddenly she drew away from me and I realised this because I specifically saw her hand move away from mine. I realised that my hand had sought her's and this had happened unconsciously.

I think my subconscious mind was taking charge at that point trying to touch or hold her hand. I think that must have unnerved her a bit.

What amazes me is that I have always known that she's had a soft corner for me. But I never acted on it.

Yet unconsciously I was trying to hold her hand.

The rest of the evening I gave her a wide berth.

Looking forward to hearing from you and others here.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Mar 24 2018 at 19:03
Member since: 27 December 2013
Wow - that (a child!!) took me by surprise!

Let me be the first to say that the child IS a huge part of this issue.

So there are TWO of you in all this. Two of you who have noticed a withdrawing of attention and affection.

So . . .

Who will get physical custody of the child? Visitation?

Does your mother know about this child?

I hope you get legal advice about how to "separate." There is support and living arrangements to consider.

Your soon to be ex seems indifferent to your needing physical attention and your leaving. Is she like this with the child?

And then . . .

You are very vulnerable right now. Your are affection starved. Please acknowledge and recognize this, but try not to act on any feelings that may come up with an outside person. You don't want THAT factor to deal with right now.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HAPI1
on Mar 25 2018 at 00:46
Member since: 13 March 2018
hello there indiaanon,

it's good to hear you have made progress in the area that you really needed to. did you see the sun on the first official day of spring!!!!! I hope you did, I thought of you and smiled. and i kind of guessed you would go through with what you said you wanted to do, so i am genuinely happy for you that you DID FIND YOUR COURAGE!!!! where it counted...

I think you are right not to go telling others about your separation just yet, you have come a long way and I think that you need to be 100% ok with it and to feel strong in the separation before you go telling people, the danger is that those that don't want a separation could try to talk you out of it for whatever reasons and that is the last thing that you really need, also there might be added guilt if people keep on to you about why and are you sure etc...so I agree with you there.

I think the very first thing I probably should have said to you is well done you!!!! it is the right thing, and the fact that you have already felt a little electricity with another is a huge sign that this is really what you want (to move forward) and you are more ready that you feared; however I agree with Suzie in that you are probably still vulnerable, so I wouldn't rush to this situation just yet, concentrate on getting your eggs in one basket....(particularly as Easter is only a week away!! haha)...

I can see why you want to keep your independence and are not really wanting to move in with your mother, also; it could undo the hard work you have put into getting relations back on track with her.

I wouldn't mention her needing help again to the EX.if she has taken it badly!!!! i suspect that she is probably a bit annoyed that you have ended this becasue it means you have taken strength back from her.

does that feel good reading that word your "EX".... you are and should see yourself now as not needing her input to sort her life out now, she's had more than enough chances by the sounds of it and didn't know how to treat you enough to see how things were hurting you, plus as I said before getting involved with that side of things will give her a chance if she wants to later on to try to pull you back, also if she knows about anyone you may be interested in the future too that might also be the starting point for new games/drama, so you need to keep things about you getting sorted first, then when your head is clearer and stronger you can start to properly negotiate a stable regime for your child between both that will suit you and your child's welfare.

I wouldn't say your outcome is not an ideal one, I think it is the starting outcome that I'd really hoped you'd take responsibility and take the initiative to do and you have don't that, it's so easy to type things online as a poster and as a replier and often people say yes we want to do this thanks for the advice and months later they are still going over reasons why they can't or won't do something or are not sure and its time consuming and you can end up losing faith in the post and their need to ask for advice in the first place, so for me (I can't speak for the others that have posted to you, but for me it is a good outcome, but it is the start, I don't really see that there might be too much trouble for you as you have a much clearer outline in your head, so you have obviously thought about things deeply).

im not sure about the happy family meals ideal, but maybe you know more about this situation, but you have to think rationally about what a potential partner may or may not want (and I don't mean your involvement with a child) I mean they may not necessarily want to sit at a table with your ex (after knowing if they were to know how she treated you, and they may not necessarily like your ex or might not like or want children enough to want to share your ex in a together setting with you both and your child, im sure they would accept your child and want that side to work if they know about your child and like you, but its a lot to ask a potential current partner to have meals with your ex if they are not that way inclined to wanting a "friends" like relationship, and theres no guarantee you will like your ex's new partner enough to sit round a table eating happy meals .

im just being totally honest with you, but that doesn't mean either that you won't find someone who wouldn't want that; all I am saying is try to keep your head on the ground and think of the practical things that will help you where you are now at this stage in things and focus on saving, healing more, moving house when you have saved enough and what is the next step for your child....its a lot to think about, so try to take it at in a methodical and structured and balanced way.

its great though that you do still want to be part of the child's life, that will be a stabilising thing for the child. just make sure when enough time has passed that you talk about the bigger questions for your child's welfare and as Suzie also suggests get things written officially so there can be no mind games and disruption or power playing or changes of mind that can really have a deeper affect on your child. that is really important to get that side of things sorted. your partner has messed you around, the last thing you want is for your child to be messed about just because things haven't been gone into properly or your partners feelings change or woprse she uses the child to still bargain with you over another agenda.

regarding your ex's friend.....hmmmm...I would tread very carefully here if I were you, whether there is a chemistry here or it is just an emotional reaction to your new sense of relief and freedom. I'm not sure this is the time to go jumping from the frying pan into a potential other frying pan (albeit a shallower frying pan), of course I know I don't know this other woman, she maybe a wonderful person and you may be compatible, but I can't help feeling that giving yourself single time till your head is truly free of your ex is probably the best thing. the danger is you are flattered and may fool yourself that things may be more than they are, or more compatible than you think. I know what you were really saying by telling us this and part of the sentiment was well meant i know, however i didnt think it was hilarious i felt a little bit un-nearved by reading it if im honest! sorry.....

maybe the friend does like you, but if she likes you she is still going to like you in a few months when you are even more sorted mentally...I wouldn't rush things there, and of course I have to bring up the probably unpopular (and another fantasy scenario) that wouldn't do your situation any good in the future if it were to happen...but wouldn't this be ironic but totally take you backwards in some kind of awful dejavu way but in a different way....what would you do if you did get with this friend and 5 years down the line she left you for a man!!!!!! I know that is a dreadful thing to say or think and I'm not decrying bisexuals in any way shape or form here, I'm not saying they will do this or do that, because they are not sure, what I am saying though is you left a man, and if you get together with someone I feel it could be a terrific blow for that to happen to you. I know that bisexuals are capable of loyalty and faithfulness just as any other person regardless of their sexual preferences; I am just thinking forwards but very carefully.whoever you do eventually get with you need to be sure that they do want to be with you and will treat you in a way that is proper and loving.

just be careful that you don't interpret or confuse body language for real feelings just yet even if you know she has a soft spot for you, maybe the fact that you know that is also fuelling your subconscious and or maybe you are both flattered, but that doesn't equal suitability necessarily, the fact that she pulled away from you may mean that be her actions were also subconsciously telling her something too.

going down Suzie's earlier post style of asking you a questions id like to also ask 2 (if I may)....and it is this:

"Does this woman know you are single now?" if not, why is she trying to flirt with you and again away from your partner in an intimate setting of putting a child to bed?

"How good friends are the woman and you ex...i dont mean sexually i mean literally", you spoke about your ex playing mind games, is the friend the sort of person who would also play mind games? if so, I wouldn't get involved with the friend as it could come back on you and how others see you (and maybe be used against you when you tell others you have broken up).

I hope I am not putting a dampener on things for you, after our correspondence before which was in places lighter, also do keep things ticking over with your mother, she will want the best for you just as you want to keep involved with your daughter because you love her. I think you can still draw strength from your mother even if you dont want to live with her.

and my final question to you is why hasn't your mother polished those shoes yet....! the taxi meter is running. lol....

I hope this response hasn't deflated you too much, I am really glad that you have done the right thing and that is what our mail has been about -so on that front I am really HAPPY FOR YOU...YOU WILL FIND YOUR FEET SOONER THAN YOU THOUGHT. but as ever my reply to you is an honest and it needs to be in order that you don't run too fast and crash again.

we all wish you well and in doing that it means you need time out, and as Suzie suggests you need to look at what the upbringing of your child will mean if things go well and peacefully with your other half, and also to question with a professional and put safety measures in place or consider what options you have that will be best for your child if things don't go the way you hope for with your child or your partner starts to change her attitude to your visits or you end up getting handed a child that your partner isn't that committed or can cope with brining up, those things need looking at too just in case.

I know it's a wild assumption on my part, but not knowing either of you I am forced to think about ironically the what if!!!!!

remember what I said to you, if you do (when you want to meet someone new, give yourself time to get to know them and LOOK TO SOMEONE WHO WILL BRING SOMETHING DEEPER TO YOUR SOUL AND SPIRITUAL HEART...you have a good heart and have a chance to start again....so take your time to heal and to find your old self fully before you look to opening yourself to another person's emotional expectations and wants.

when the dust settles I can recommend a book for you to read, I think part of your problem was from a lack of assertiveness with your ex, and I feel if you are really ready to move forward with another woman in time then you really could benefit from working on that side of yourself as I also feel it could help you communicate and express yourself (and not get under someone else's shadow without being able to talk things through in a way that you are not losing so much of your life being so unhappy, hopefully you won't find yourself in this sort of awful situation again.

the book has a silver cover and is called "a woman in your own right" by Ann Dickinson....and no...before you ask I am not Ann Dickinson!!!!! it is funny in parts so im sure you anyone struggling with assertiveness in some situations might enjoy it regardless of gender so if you wanna check that out it might help you not stay in something so unhealthy again, or at least recognise exactly how other people can weigh on your spirit. and of course it's how you deal with it that matters.

ok, I hope this helps you and again apologies if you have found my reply a bit tough going. the end result is that you can only go forwards from now on. just move with more caution, but don't worry too much because I can tell you the hope is there for you in time no doubt :)

you just need to prepare and keep with your goals and focus on each thing in an organised, structured way and get help with things where you need it (be it from still seeing your mother or other family members to getting professional advice regarding your child etc...)

you'll be ok in time, and if you listen to your heart and those that care for you you will eventually arrive at the place that you desire; just know that it cannot be rushed, it will have to happen in its natural time, but it will happen for you.

take care, the hapi1

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
MAMABEAR
on Mar 25 2018 at 03:25
Member since: 06 March 2016
It's strange, isn't it? We build up our fear, certain that separating will be more than we can bear. In my experience, what we can't bear is the indecision. I was terrified of being on my own. Until I made the decision. From then on, it was simply taking one step, then another and another. The relief I felt, once the weight of that decision was lifted, was indescribable. I won't pretend it wasn't painful, stressful, or difficult. It was all of those things. You'll have ups and downs and you'll likely doubt yourself occasionally. There's a lot to be learned in that process. And once you're through to the other side, you'll be thankful you took the leap.

All of that said... SUSIEDQQ has excellent advice. Co-parenting with an ex isn't easy, for anyone. With that in mind, and for so many other reasons, be very considerate of your SO's feelings. Be aware and sympathetic of what your child is experiencing. Don't act on any romantic impulses until you're free, a parenting plan is in place, and everyone feels settled into their new normal. If you add cheating to the mix, that will work against you on every level. You've been patient getting to this point. Don't shoot yourself (and everyone else) in the foot before you even take the first step.

I'll be anxious to read your answers to the questions in the previous post. I'm happy that you had a heart-to-heart and you can both move on. I'm very relieved to hear that you're feeling better, and clearer about what you need and want. That takes guts.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HEXTALL
on Mar 27 2018 at 05:39
Member since: 11 May 2018
Hey India, I'm just glad to read that you're seeing your way clear of the emotional fog :) I'm sure once the separation has occurred and the dust settles you'll be best buddies and you can continue to co-parent your adopted child happily together.
My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
INDIAANON
on Mar 27 2018 at 08:03
Member since: 03 March 2018
Thank you all for writing back.

For the first time in many, many days, I am feeling emotionally stable and that in itself is so rewarding. I am thankful for the opportunity to express my feelings here. Thank you all for being so kind.

@Hapi1, thank you for letting me know what you think, without mincing words 

Hahaha, the Easter eggs joke is funny! I will look up that book by Ann Dickinson, when I get some time.

@MjHextall, thank you for saying that, it is my idea of what heaven would look like. I want to be happy while keeping everyone else happy as well.

@Mamabear, the indecision was troubling me. Now that I have spoken the words and made it real, I feel like such an adult. Thank you for your continued support you have no idea how much comfort your words brings me.

@Susiedqq, thank you for these essential questions, as before. About the ex’s friend – I just found that episode amusing, that’s all. I am not in the right frame of mind to even conceive the idea of being with anyone. Though I still think it’s funny I now understand what happened then. I am definitely affection starved, no doubt but acknowledging that means to also find a resolution, right. At this point I cannot deliberate on any romantic feelings.

Since I made the decision to end the relationship, I haven’t had a moment’s doubt. Earlier I thought I would keep looking for reaffirmation if the decision was good or bad. But surprisingly, my mind is quite calm. Although sometimes I get this sneaky feeling that my mind is in shock and hasn’t absorbed the news yet!

Because of my financial situation, I proposed an in-house separation and my ex agreed as it would also be the least disruptive situation for the child. We both were honest with each other and we handled it well.

I had already moved into the spare bedroom though this time I moved my books and clothes as well. It was sad when we sat across from each other and made a list of things to divide up. We have so much stuff and so many memories it was difficult. We have decided to talk to each other in English only from hereon, though we do occasionally slip into the vernacular language now and then.

We both come from different regions where different languages are spoken. I had learnt her language so we had a comfort factor while communicating.

This one change of speaking in English at home (we only use it at work) has made the separation real. Every time we speak to each other now it’s in English and we both become very aware so it’s working quite effectively.

We have set a schedule with different timings to use the common areas and spending time with the child individually. We have divided up the responsibilities and chores and also sticking to sharing at least one meal together with the kid.

But we have off time too, I take an hour away from both of them every day to be my single self, trying to think in terms of ‘I’ rather than ”we”.

We haven’t discussed seeing other people or overnight guests because it is all too soon.

To answer your questions @Hapi1, no my ex’s friend has no clue what we have been going thru. My ex is a very private person and I doubt if she’s told her anything.

She’s my ex friend so if anyone is confiding it’s not me.

Why she’s flirting with me during the time I’m putting this kid to bed? Well, we were at her house remember? So maybe she didn’t think it was awkward to sit on her own bed. I don’t know and haven’t really thought about it. Maybe it’s just the way she is.

@ Susiedqq the question, does my mother know about the child? Yes. When the kid was adopted it was about a year old, and my ex’s parents were more involved in the day to day interactions with the child. My mother showered the kid with lots of gifts but she has always maintained that it isn’t mine, which is true. Though she discouraged me from getting too attached to the kid like for example she said, don’t make the mistake of pretending to be its mother or asking it to call you Mama. I still went ahead and did all those things. Glad that I did because I formed a beautiful bond with the child, but I didn’t expect this relationship to end. I guess my mom did.

@Mamabear Mothers are so instinctual, aren’t they?

I know the kid situation is something I have sprung on you all. One of the many reasons, I did not talk about the child before is because when I approached this forum, my main concern was the personal relationship with my ‘soon to be ex’. I felt my focus would shift from addressing the issues in our relationship to that of the child. Also now that we are better acquainted with my problems I feel brave enough to discuss the kid because aren’t we all protective towards children in general?

In India, as a single woman you can adopt if you are above the child bearing years and apply with a government recognised orphanage. She applied when we were about 8 years into the relationship and got approved after a 2 year wait period. For the last 2 years we have been raising this kid.

To answer your question @Susiedqq, my ex is the sole parent and guardian to the child in the eyes of the law. In this country we are not recognised as a legitimate couple so there is no scope of discussion over visitation rights.

The child and I spend a lot of time together, as I had opted to stay home and have only recently gone back to work. In 6 months’ time she’s going to turn 4 years. The emotional bond we share is as you can imagine, very strong. @ Susiedqq my ex is not indifferent to the child. Far from it.

The kid is also very connected to my ex, a very intuitive child she accepts that we both individually have different parenting styles. I know my ex will do right by her.

She is the bigger person in all this, extremely attentive to the kid and her well being.

@MJHextall, I truly hope we can co-parent without the baggage of being ex partners. If there was anyone I could name who could play that role without being resentful or bitter I think my ex is the one. I have noticed that we are being nice to each other. She can’t take me for granted anymore and this is a welcome change. I think by being nice she is also trying to salvage the friendship we share. I don’t feel alone in this anymore.

One thing which became apparent after the break up is the consequence of our decision is now becoming evident esp. with the child.

A few nights back (my last post) , I went to check in on the sleeping child and she had wet herself. My ex and I were a bit alarmed because we both realised that she is feeling insecure having picked up the undercurrent. We are watching her for a few days to see if happens again or if it was a one off accident. So far she hasn’t had a repeat of the incident.

As parents, to strengthen her emotionally, that is the next major step for us. Any advice on helping the kid feel emotionally secure and ideas to help with stability are welcome.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HAPI1
on Mar 27 2018 at 16:05
Member since: 13 March 2018
greetings miss india

well today, let me tell you i have the devil in me in a way that amuses me but may alarm others (not the house in on fire kind of alarm but more of a come on get a grip kind of way) but...its just one of those days so remember that as you read my reply...and on that note if i were to say the obvious answer to your problems is to come and live with me, your mother gets to go dancing on a regular basis, the taxi driver can shack up with your ex's friend and you get to crack an easter egg open whilst cooking one of the new recipies from one of the many flour covered ancient cookbooks i have on my shelf and you can tell me in a new found assertive way that you dont consider animal fats and lucozade a suitable 3 course meal. even if we did invite everyone round for a meal but fail to tell them we have changed the locks LOL

....isnt that the answer to all of your troubles right there in a nutshell? ;-) hahah....

No seriously...I am really breathing a HUGE sigh of relief that you are ok and that you are coming out of what has been an emotional whirlwind.

Im sure you will be ok and even your ex, JUST REMEMBER THIS WILL BE ANOTHER IMPORTANT STEP BACK TO BEING THE OLD YOU, THE ONE THAT CAN SPARKLE REGARDLESS OF WHAT LIFE THROWS HER WAY...and when you do find love your will RADIATE AND SHINE AS ANY JEWEL CAN....(JUST MAKE SURE YOU MEET SOMEONE YOU CAN TALK TOO< LOVE AND YOU FEEL CAN BE YOUR SPIRITRUAL SOUL-MATE) yes i did come on a bit strongish in order that you see the possibilites of the downsides of things we hope for, it wasnt to try to bring you down as such, it was more of a things dont always go to plan kind of thing.

I wish you well for your child too...im sure the situation will be one that is something that can be put right and a solution is found, the doctor may have some ideas if you are worried if things should start up again in that way, and although children do take things in they can also recover from situations a lot quicker (trauma aside) than adults so again look to the positive.

I am really really hapi for you, (apart from having no dancing partner yet!!!!) your mother really needs to get her act together on this....ive been standing in the same party clothes for 8 nights in a row!!!! can you imagine the creases in my shirt! hahah....

ok, i think i am getting so light headed (partly with happiness for you that i am making myself rather dizzy).

BUT ITS GENUINELY GREAT TO HEAR YOUR UPDATES....i was concerned, but i feel a lot lighter knowing you are ok and haven't lost your head completely. (probably unlike me!!)

KEEP GOING, YOURE DOING JUST FINE...the very hapi 1 :-)

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
NEWLIFE12345
on Mar 27 2018 at 16:33
Member since: 25 March 2018
INDIAANON:

In your original post your wrote: " The relationship deteriorated after a while because I think she lost respect for me."

I read all your posts on the thread and I don't believe you explained or elaborated on this part. It may be relevant to your partner's (or ex partner's) lack of sexual interest in you.

Because the two of you live together still and are co parenting a child, this lack of respect may still be relevant and worthy of looking into.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
NEWLIFE12345
on Mar 27 2018 at 16:40
Member since: 25 March 2018
INDIAANON: In your original post you wrote: " The relationship deteriorated after a while because I think she lost respect for me."

Maybe that was the reason for her lack of interest in a sexual relationship with you, having lost her respect for you. Do you think?

Because the two of you still live together are are co parenting a child, this lack of respect on her part is still relevant, I am thinking.

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
MAMABEAR
on Mar 27 2018 at 16:42
Member since: 06 March 2016
I too, am relieved after reading your post. As far as breakups go, this one seems as mindful of all concerned as possible. Your plan moving forward seems perfectly reasonable, and I wish you all the very best! I'm happy you're honoring your needs, and moving on with the rest of your life. You'll be amazed at how different the world feels from an "I" perspective. It takes guts to change your life like this, and I applaud you!
My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
NEWLIFE12345
on Mar 27 2018 at 16:43
Member since: 25 March 2018
* please excuse the double post above, didn't realize the first was submitted successfully.
My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HEXTALL
on Mar 28 2018 at 00:55
Member since: 11 May 2018
I think if you both sit your daughter down and talk openly and honestly, obviously in a way that a 4YO can understand, and explain that no matter what you will both always be there for her, she will be OK in the long run. Kids are surprisingly resilient as long as they feel loved and know they can depend on you. You aren't breaching her trust in you in any way, you will remain a big part of her life, and you know your ex-to-be will always take good care of her. There are no major problems here. Bed-wetting is pretty common when kids feel insecure and stressed, so maybe, as you say, she's picked up an undercurrent, or maybe she's overheard a conversation that she doesn't understand and is bothered by. I don't think you need to burden her with the breaking up stuff, just an explanation that you'll living somewhere else but that you'll be seeing her a lot and everything will be OK.
My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Mar 28 2018 at 13:52
Member since: 27 December 2013
How does this “in-house separation” work?

You have moved out of the main bedroom into another bedroom?

There’s no arguing, she is speaking even more kindly to you than ever? No change, otherwise, on her part. Seems like she is just going to let things happen. Very passive- aggressive.

But really, doesn’t sound like that environment would stress out a child. And bed wetting is common for children that age.

You will spread your wings when you get your own place. (You can still see the child every day.)

What stops you from making even more of a commitment to yourself?

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HAPI1
on Mar 29 2018 at 19:41
Member since: 13 March 2018
well miss India, it is almost good friday, and i can say in a positive light for you i think that the tears you may shed (if you do shed any, will be actually tears of relief, optimism and maybe a few for the fact that you are moving on now and will be more sensitive to emotions).

I am really happy for you and glad to know that you have taken yourself to a much more healthier place than you were when i first joined the post.

I admire the way you have dealt with the posts and the way you have been open when disclosure of your child was raised (i.e.a question was posed that you openly raised more of the situation, that was brave, but also meant that people could offer more). i know at times i went against the grain to put tough questions to you, but they came from agood place and i just wanted you to think about the downsides of things as well as the positives...even though i have been encouraging you to be positive. the negatives may not happen, but it doesnt hurt to think about them when you have put so much emotion and hope into things.

so try to get professional help if you can for the areas you cannot work out or feel are working or need more work and keep your plans and new goals in mind. remember that advice is ok and youve had a lot of terrific advice from people here, but maybe now its time to take the best of it, acknowledge what works for you, and dont get too bogged down with bits and peices that do not change the situation or may take things backwards, you know the situation and you have to go with that now.i feel you have more options and avenues that you know you want to look at and they should be done to help you in your own time and own way. im not trying to disrespect any ones posts by saying that, i just have read everything posted and i feel its almost time the bird tried jumping from the nest.

i just wish your mother would jump from the nest into the taxi...its getting very expensive for me now! hahah....

I hope things go ok for your child too, i am sure you will sort things out in time.

the best thing i can say to you is you seem to have an idea of how your living arrangements will work, and if you are ok with that and your child seems ok, then i would say (if i were in your shoes, stay with the iscolated separated home thing till you can move or you manage to save to move, i say that because your child needs to have stability and the house will help to provide that i feel with not too much disruption, moving as you know is stressful and you dont want that as well as everythign else to deal with.

i think as long as you get advice professionally where your rights and the childs rights (access, welfare etcare concerned then you can talk to your child as one together if your partner is willing when the time comes, if that is not possible then you can also get help professionally from womens or gay womens groups so you can make solid plans and structure things and can budget and put things together to make sure things can try to keep as smoothe as possible for you and your child and your future.

i saw a woman carrying a bunch of lillies today and thought of you,

have a good good friday and send your mother (not my love!!! hahaha...but the laundry bill and taxi fayre). i knocked on the door and no one was home....am i cross...yes....my polished shoes have scuffed beyond all recognitian... LOLllll... (rofl).

i will still follow things if you post, but if you dont i know you will be putting your own plans in order for easter and your future.

but i will be checking in for the last time on easter day, but i just wanted to drop in to say ill be thinking of you for tomorrow, and that you have nothing to fear, you have dont the bulk of the hard part, it will still be sticky at times, but you are over the worst part of it now i think.

speak to you soon, probably on sunday. see ya.the hapi1 (Y)

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HAPI1
on Apr 1 2018 at 08:06
Member since: 13 March 2018
Well you know why I'm hear Miss India!

all that is left for me to say to you now is HAPPY EASTER.

I really hope you get the best from this new confidence you have and that you also get to enjoy the new adventures that will be coming your way (and they will).

its been quite an adventure already...to india and back in a cyber taxi! and that is more than an adventure for any one to put on a cv.

ok, take care of yourself and you will soon get to the places you really do need to travel to.

and just remember: now you have found it, always keep a little piece of the sun in your heart.

love from the hapi one :-)

My life feels like its all been wasted Time, a lot like the song
Reply from
HAPI1
on Apr 10 2018 at 15:20
Member since: 13 March 2018
HOW ARE YOU?

Is the Spring doing its thing for you? The hAPI ONE...wondering if this deal is real. at least let us know you are ok, before I disappear for good.

:-)

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?