Relationship / breakup advice
To give you some background information on my situation, there is a girl I have had feelings for for about 5 years now (we were friends). For logistical reasons, I never asked her out or told her how I felt. Three years ago, she started dating a friend of mine. He broke up with her last year for another woman, and she wanted nothing to do with him at this point. The whole time they were together, it was difficult for me to deal with, because I was regretting not telling her anything. Shortly after their breakup, we were talking innocently about random things ( we have always done this), but she continued talking to me every day. I loved talking to her, but neither of us had any intentions at this time. After a couple months of talking and hanging out a couple times together, she ended up coming down for the weekend to help me do something. We went out for dinner that night and came home and watched a movie. One thing led to the next, and we ended up sleeping together for the first time. At that point, we both wanted to be together, but the problem was, my best friends, and one of my roommates, is the brother of her ex. So we decided to keep our relationship a secret from my friends. She told her friends, and eventually told her family. She even met my family. She made me happier than I ever could have imagined, and every time I was with her, I never wanted to leave.
We were able to make things work really well, and were able to spend weekends at a time together. We had so much in common together, and loved doing things together. I realized I had fallen in love with her. However, 6 months later (just a few days ago), she tells me that she thinks we should break up. Her reason is because she just wasn't feeling the "feelings" she wants to in our relationship. She did at first, but something just wasn't the same for her now. She told me that she wanted to feel the same for me as I did for her, and she wishes she could and that we could be together, but she feels like this was the right choice, so we don't end up dragging it out longer if it was never going to work. There was nothing about me she didn't like, and we never fought. It was just a feeling. We both cried, and deep down neither of us wanted this, and she admitted to this. She still wants us in each other's lives, and I believe her when she says this, and that she's not being cliche.
Losing her like this has been absolutely devastating for me. I have wanted to be with her for 5 years, and when we finally got together, I have been happier than I have ever been in my entire life. She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I am in love with her. I don't want her to be the one that got away. I don't want to lose the love of my life. We had even talked about our future together. Up until the breakup, we had never had any issues, or any problems to fix. She told me if she realizes that she made a mistake, she will tell me as soon as she figures this out. Doesn't that mean something? The fact that she even thinks there could be a chance that she made a mistake, or that deep down she doesn't want this? The fact that she started sobbing when we hugged goodbye because she was just as sad as I was and didn't want to leave either? I can't go back to the way things were before we were together. I need this girl in my life, as I will be making a major life change in the next few months. She still wants to talk every day, she would talk to me right now if I wanted to talk to her. But I want her back more than anything. I want to make her feel the way she used to with me, and have just one more chance with her.
Is she really serious about this? Because no one can make another person love them. So please don't think that there's anything you can do or say to make her regain feelings she had before. She says she's lost thise loving feelings.
She really owes you more explanation. Could it be that her eye is on someone else and she needs to be free to explore that?
It all doesn't make sense.
I should have worded that better. I don't want to make her do anything. But I would do whatever possible to bring back that spark that we once had. There is nobody else in her life. I know that for a fact, and she would never do that to anybody since it has been done to her in her previous relationship. I really do believe that part of it was our situation. Like we thought that we were doing something wrong qt times. And I know that we did something that's frowned upon, but we are both adults who can make our own decisions, and she was not someone else's property. And I'm sure that probably makes me sound like an asshole. But we were both two people that felt something for each other and wanted to do something about it. But from the start, it was never a typical relationship because that, and I think that may have played a role.
As I said, she didn't really seem like this is what she wanted. Just that this is what she thought was the right thing to do. She was just as emotional about it as I was. When we said goodbye, she broke down and started crying more, and we spent the next several minutes holding each other and crying. Neither of us wanted to let go. It was heartbreaking.
She may of got fed up with keeping your relationship a secret and she felt guilty? And all the emotions she was feeling got on top of her and made her question your relationship. You put it felt like you were doing wrong sometimes and I can see why it might of felt like that. In my view, you were doing nothing wrong. The easiest thing to tell you was that she didn't feel the same, although this sounds like this wasn't true considering she was so emotional about.
Did she give herself enough time to get over being dumped for another girl by her ex? That must of hurt.
Even though it may hurt and you may not get the outcome you want do you think you could talk to her about this? Condsider what it might be like if your friend, her ex knew? Talking about might make things clear again.
Did you consider that you might have been a "rebound" man for her?
I know that hurts to hear, but consider it. She wanted to hide her post- relationship, even though she was the one who got dumped.
What to do today? I would walk away, cut off all contact. See if she comes back or at least talks to you about her true feelings.
It sounds like you were madly in love - but she was not.
Life is too short for a cat and mouse game.
I wondered if that could be the reason too. She was willing to tell everyone about it but our mutual friends, and she did tell everybody she could in her family, work, and friend group. I was ready to tell them towards the end, but she was still hesitant because she didn't know how they would react (I know they would have been happy for us, but she was worried they wouldn't and that it would make it difficult for me since I live with two of them). Our situation would have changed in the next couple months, as they are moving away, and I will be moving to her city (it was only 40 minutes away), so there would have been no need to hide it anymore. I wondered if that might have changed anything.
I never intended for anything to happen when it did. I was debating when to tell her how I really felt about her, but things just happened one night, and neither of us stopped it because we both wanted it. She says she was over her ex completely when I brought this up later. And I believe her that she did not have any romantic feelings for him after what he did. However, she probably still had some angry feelings for him, as she said she wanted nothing to do with him ever again. And I don't know if that kept her from feeling the way she wanted to for me. Maybe it was just too soon.
I thought about giving her a few weeks and then contacting her again. Maybe I'll bring some of this up, I don't know. I know it sounds bad, but not having her in my life at all is worse than still talking to her while we are broken up, even though I'm in love with her. People say time changes everything, but my feelings for her survived 5 years and a couple relationships, so I don't think that will be changing any time soon.
This may sound as though I'm changing my mind slightly but I think this is something to consider:
I did wonder if she was on a rebound too, but I don't believe it was intentional or if it's something to ever hold against her. It's very comfoting for a victim, when a nice guy/gal/close friend comes along after an ex has done something very cruel and are kind towards you and offers support. A relationship however may of been too soon?
I was in the same situation where a boyfriend left me for another girl and I was left deverstated. I gave my self a good year and a half to get over it, as I was hurt for a very long time. My husband came into my life a year later, I still wasn't ready to be in a relationship so he waited a good six months before we started anything. We were friends the whole 6 months, and there were times where it was very tempting to kiss him or jump into bed together. Why I'm telling you this is because you say she could still be very angry with her ex, and I'm sure she still is. It sounds like she's not moved on competely yet.
At the moment, it sounds like she's cutting all ties so she can move away, move on and be by herself for x amount of time. Good for her. She knows you'll be in the same city as her soon.
She may have the intention to get back with you away from the people who she feels may disapprove but I'd keep on a friendship level to start with and wait for her to show interest again.
Its also a new start for you too remember.
Being patient is the hardest thing sometime and hopefully it will pay off.
I can't look in her head, no one here can. I will tell you what I would do in this situation:
You need to move on (FOR NOW). Focus on yourself. Whatever job you have, spend more time at that job. In whatever house or apartment you are going to live, make it look really nice and neat. Go work out aswell.
The choice to be together is no longer your choice. You already made the choice to be together 5 years ago. It is now totally and solely HER choice for you two to be together.
I would avoid contact. Get her into a phone call or real life meeting. Tell her how real your feelings are and that she really did hurt you. It is GOOD to make her know how much she hurt you. Also tell her, your feelings are still real after all these years and the relatively short time you were together.
Then the hard part shows up. You tell her you understand her and want to give her time to think but that you, at some point, will move on. Even though it is going to take you MONTHS to move on, she does not have to know that. Important for her to know is what you are, what you can offer her and that she can LOSE you if she does not act. Many men make the mistake of playing the emotional weak victim "But it was so good together", "But I need you so much". This_does_not_work. You need to show her you are deeply hurt, love her alot.. but also have the self-esteem and self RESPECT to move on if she forces you to by NOT wanting you back.
The total combination here is:
- Start doing all kinds of stuff to be distracted
- Work on yourself, your pride and self esteem
- Make clear to her, preferably in a real life conversation, how real your love is and what you can be for her. Do this in a nice, gentle, loving, caring but also PROUD and CONVINCED, SELF RESPECTING, way. This is the impression you leave behind when you leave her after that conversation.
And for you to find out.. is who you are, why you love her and what you have to offer her. Leave a good final impression with her then avoid contact for a while.