I have been evicted from a friendship group

Posted by
on Mar 5 2018 at 09:56
Member since: 01 March 2017
Gender: Female
Emotional advice forum category advice forum category Hello all,

Last year when I was pregnant, my husband and I decided to do a baby course. It was a real good opportunity for me to make new friends as we moved to a new area. I was so pleased when everyone in the small group, seemed lovely. There was five couple in total. We talked about our fears and shared our worries of birth and I felt the course was really benifical to me. I'm a fairly reserved person but felt like I opened up more then usual, even my husband commented on my newly found confidence and said it was lovely to see. When the babies arrived, we had a reunion and we set up a texting group.

Slowly, myself and the other four mums' started to take it in turns to go to each other's houses every two weeks. A couple of weeks ago it was my turn for them to come to me, we talked and agreed on a date and I was really looking forward to it but slowly each mum came up with an excuse saying they couldn't come. When I tried to rearranged, no one answered.

I very rarely use social media and out of boredom one day I went on and saw they had taken the babies swimming and went for lunch after on the day they were due to come round my house. By the looks of it I had missed out on many other outings too.

I was worried that I had caused offence to them in some way, so I talked to two of the mums that I thought I was closest to. They looked uncomfortable when I mentioned the swimming and admitted, with no applogy, it was on the day they were due to come to my house. I asked if I had upset or annoyed someone they told me I hadn't, but they all thought I didn't fit in with the group because I was very quiet. I don't believe this to be true, as I tried my best to be outgoing without being fake or over the top. I made sure I talked to each other the mums individually to get to know them and made a fuss of their baby. I made sure I was outspoken when we discussed baby topics. I thought they liked me because they asked me questions too. The conversation ended with them patronising me and telling me that I'm a nice person and to consider going to more baby groups to find new friends!

I feel like now no one will like me now and the issue is the baby classes in my area popular and I will bumped into theses mums as they go to them all! I don't drive at the moment, so I cant go out of area. I feel isolated and lost with my baby in tow. I go on walks on my own but I'm bored of my own company. I don't want to become depressed but it feels like I'm going that way, my baby is the only thing that gets me up in the week days and i try to be a good mum and I long for the weekends to come when my hubby is home.

I have been through a lot in the last few years with family issues, where I was controlled and mistreated by my mother and its taken a long time for me to discover myself, and learn to be the type of mum I want to be, with counselling. This has really knocked my confidence, when I'm up with my baby at night I question myself on this. I go over the conversations I had with theses ladies wondering where I went wrong or if I said anything that might of got their backs up.

Can anyone help me?

Reply from
on Mar 6 2018 at 07:52
Member since: 20 August 2015
Gender: Male
Hello Isobel,

It's unfortunate people can be this way sometimes - we form these groups, but then we admit and evict people based on how the group cohesion feels. Some of us are more accepting of those who are different from ourselves than others, but I think at certain points in our life we are all guilty of this.

You tried your best to fit in with this group and not exclude anyone, to view this as an all-inclusive thing. I'm sorry these other moms didn't take you or your feelings into consideration. But the problem is, you had to try to fit in. You know these women go to "all" of the popular baby groups. They are extremely extroverted and want to be part of something that has a certain look. They don't sound like friends, they sound more like... Poser moms?

If I were you, I would focus more on finding friends who can relate to you, who have similar interests and maybe kids of their own. Try not to make just finding people with babies the main point, because what you need are friends who want to spend time together - not just a random mom.

Try going places you like and doing things you do to meet people. Try at work. It may take time, but in the end the results might be better than with the baby groups.

You could try going to another one of the baby groups, or maybe the same one, but if you do I would talk to women that aren't part of this clique. Unless they all are, in which case the baby groups just aren't the best place to go to find friends. New people will likely join the baby groups after all.

But again, I would try to make a friend first and foremost. Even if they aren't a new mom, maybe they will have toddlers or teenagers and be able to provide you with some wisdom, or be childless and just a cool person willing to go places and hang out with you and your baby.

Reply from
on Mar 6 2018 at 12:35
Member since: 01 March 2017
Gender: Female
Hello Altreal,

Poser mums is a good discription of them. I do wonder if I tried too hard, but I would of hoped my husband would of pulled me in and told me.

The reason why I was so keen is because I'm making damn sure I'm nothing like my mother who didn't have any friends when raising me. I had two brothers but I was quite a lonely child, which is not what I want for my own child.

I will try to make a friend elsewhere. You're right, it doesn't have to be a mum with a baby or who even has a child. I was told when you have a baby is when you make friends and I have been waiting eagerly for this time to come only to be disappointed.

I don't go to my own mother for advice so sometimes its nice to run baby things by another mum.

I will preserver, thank you so much for your advice