My boyfriend is moving to another country
About a year ago, my boyfriends dad announced he is moving emergrating to Australia, at the time of being told my boyfriend was unhappy but grew to accept this news.
In the meantime we moved into an apartment together and have been enjoying living together for almost a year.
His dad is now emergrating in the next few weeks. My boyfriend has always intended on going to stay with his dad in the summer holidays as he's a teacher. I wanted to join him so put in a request at work for three weeks annual leave but it got rejected. I was gutted but I knew this trip was important to him so I have been accepting of the fact that he was going to be away all summer this year.
This was until a few of days ago when he announced he now wants to go and live with his dad and partner. From the moment he told me it was very obvious there is no future for us and now we are splitting up. He been staying with his mum and he's moving in with her the next couple of days until he moves.
I'm so stunned I haven't cried yet. He's left me to deal with finding a new flat mate, as I can't afford the rent on my own and he's agreed to pay this months rent. I tried to argue with him yesterday out of pure frustration but he acted like I wasn't there. When he does speak to me it feels like it's someone else talking to me.
This isn't his usal behaviour, he's never been this selfish, we have been together since the begining of university and I didn't think he'd have it in him to do this.
I have turned to family and friends for support and they are all shocked by what he's doing. They tell me he owes me an explanation but it doesnt look like im going to get one.
I don't know how I'm meant to comprehend this.
First, let me say I'm very sorry you're going through this. It's always shocking and painful when we realize we don't really know the person we thought we were the closest to. My guess is, one of two things is happening here. 1) He was never the person you thought he was, and he's chosen to take the opportunity to run and reveal his true self, or 2) he and his priorities have changed significantly, and he's chosen not to include you in that process, or this new direction.
You need to understand both of those possibilities say way more about him than about you. I know it's nearly impossible in practice, but you shouldn't take this personally. As people grow and change, we don't always handle that well within ourselves, let alone outwardly, with the people in our lives. I doubt this was a decision he came to without struggle. And he may well regret it. Regardless, it's a decision he's made, and is sticking to. We don't always get resolution, even when that's what's fair. Sometimes, we have to heal our broken hearts ourselves, and learn to accept apologies we never got. He does owe you an explanation, but that doesn't mean you'll get one. It's not at all fair, but people rarely do what's right, when what's easy is an option. He is likely choosing what's easy for him, over what's right, for both of you.
All you can do, is be thankful he's shown you who he really is before you got even more entangled. I wouldn't say you dodged this bullet, as you're already invested, but I do believe you've taken a smaller bullet early, instsead of the shotgun blast you'd be getting some time down the road, possibly after marriage and kids. In a way, he's done you a favor, but it will be awhile before you see it that way. But I promise, you will eventually know it's true.
You deserve a love that's real, with someone that doesn't have to hide who they are. Give yourself all the time you need to heal, and let your friends and family be there for you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, ask for help with anything that seems overwhelming, and try to move forward in some small way, every day. Before you know it, you'll be looking back, thanking him for leaving, and thanking yourself for taking the opportunity to pursue your own wants and needs.
I hope this helps in some small way, and only wish I had better advice for you. Hugs. <3
Sorry to hear this has happened Aimster. It must of been hard for him to come to terms with his dad moving so far away but that doesn't mean he had to treat you badly and be so selfish
if you think about it, did he ever drop any little hints in the last year that he might be considering moving out to Australia? I don't think someone just thinks 'I know, I'm going to move to the other side of the world' without really thinking about it, but it would of only been about him.
Mamabear, I think that's amazing advice and I hope Aimster reads it
Mamabear and Lily31 thank you for your wise words of advice and and valuable question, its helped me really look at whats going on and screwtanise him more. I realise that he was actually never into our relationshi or it fizzeled out for him and he never addressed it with me.
When his dad told him he was emergrating he took the news very badly, but over the months he and his dad have talked a lot about how to make it easer for him with his dad coming to the uk a couple of times a year. He become more comfortable with the idea but theses discussions slowly this made him start to realise his goals and what he wanted to achieve in his life. At the time i was family issues of my own family which were stressful and he was being supportive during that time so I didn't pick up on anything.
He always wanted to travel and throughout our relationship he often talked about it but it was all about him, where he wanted to go, what he wanted to do and I was never consulted. I didn't quesiton it or take offence because he then went into teaching and we moved in together. I thought we could make up for him not traveling by going on holidays once or twice a year. With his dad moving i thought six week traveling around in australia would of been a good compermise and ease his disires.
There were other hints big and small hints . Last year a famly memeber of mine got married last year aboard, it took him ges to commite to going and book the flight and then he didnt bother packing until the very last minute when usually hes very organised. i put this down to neves and spending five days with my family in another country. during our time away, certain family members of mine kept on making the usual type of comments about us getting engaged which he didnt like at all, at one point he walked away from a conversation. when we got home he went a bit funny on me and i talked to him and told him there was no pressure at all i didnt want anything to change I was happy . he looked reliefed but he told me he wasn't sure he ever wanted to get married. I did and still do want to get married and since ghe wasnt sure I thought i could talk him round a nd we carried on with our relatioship.
Very recently we were at his friends house, this was before he told me he wanted to move. He was talking about all his six week holiday plans and he and hiis were talking about him meting hot astralian chicks whislt he was out there which I was hurt by. When I told him I was upset he passed off as a joke but it left me questioning for days about if I could trust him whilst he was on this trip.
I would like to meet with him to discuss the above as painful as it will be but he does owe me an explanation and i feel i would be able to move on a lot better. I dont think he will though so I am literally now putting one foot in front of the other with growing faith things will get better.
As hard as it is to let go of someone we care about, sometimes it's the best for all concerned. I'm hoping he'll agree to talk, and you can get some closure. But if that doesn't happen, you can still move on, it will just be a bit harder.
It does sound like he's been doubting his commitment for awhile, and it's hurtful he didn't talk to you before. Regardless, if this was never going to work towards marriage and a future, at least you know now. Doesn't make it easier, but remember you're better off on your own than with someone that doesn't appreciate you.
I hope you get through this with as little upset as possible. Keep reaching out, and we'll be here for you. Hugs to you ❤
I remember your post from a while ago about the wedding issue/ family comments that made him so uncomfortable.
Seems like his intentions for a future with you were not strong then, either.
Sorry, but accepting this now is the best thing.