Toxic relationship - need help
I need honest advice. My relationship is tearing my life apart but every part of me wants to be able to make it work if at all possible. I just don't know if it's healthy for me to try. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years. It used to be great however recently everything has changed. Now i have to be honest, i've been cheated on in the past so I do get anxiety a lot which makes me ask a lot of questions just so i'm comfortable in whatever situation she's in. I know being asked questions when you go somewhere or say you're doing something could get annoying, but the way she treats me because of it is honestly disgusting. She constantly says "Fuck you" or "leave me the fuck alone" to me, which I don't understand how you can even say that to the person you say you love. And i'll reply with something like "Babe i'm not trying to fight or argue, but when all you tell me is that you're going out, and you don't give me any details, i'm going to ask where you're going or who you're going with" and again she'll say "I don't fucking care". She also just ignores me any time i'm upset and refuses to talk out the problem. Yet when she's upset if I don't want to talk about it in the moment she'll just cuss me out and say how I don't care about her and how she deserves better. I want to be able to make it work, I really do, but I also think I might be being stupid by staying in such a toxic relationship with a girl that's so verbally abusive to me. If I could just get everyones outside thoughts on the situation it would really help a lot. Thanks guys.
I had a breakup after 4 years which I now regret. Really regret. Read about it in another topic (warning, long text) Take my advice, do whatever you can to save something before you lose something you did not want to lose. What I am about to write, is what I would do myself. It may not work for you or the type of girl you have there.
First, I would take a step back of the entire situation and decide for yourself, who you are, who this girl is, what your future together probably is and if you want this. You need to find out if you really love HER or if you simply love having a girlfriend / relation / the things you 2 do. Your relation has gone so far that totally disrespective behaviour is possible. You need to fix that for both of you.
Let's assume you really love her and really want to be with HER. who SHE is. I think you need to find a normal moment where you both are in a normal / good mood and then simply tell her you want to talk about this.
You then start by simply saying sorry for what you have said. In a way like "Look, beforehand, sometimes you cuss me out when I ask where you are going. Sorry for not trusting you. I am going to work on that but you know I have been cheated on before.". You simply put out a little fire there.
Then you tell her what you really want. You tell her how much you love her and how you really want to care for her BUT, there is a situation you want to solve with her. Then you start talking about the real problem. You want a relation in which both of you respect each other and certain ways of treating each other are simply not done. You put the blame on yourself for not trusting her enough but then you also tell her you no longer want her to treat you like that. Basically, your understanding and trust is what you will give for a better way of dealing with each other.
This is how I would start out. If I would have a girlfriend that would NOT be open to the above method, I would seriously consider breaking up. The above is not a guarantee for succes. It is a normal way of making her feel at ease to talk about a situation.
I would probably invite the girl over for dinner at my place and have a wine ready for her. Show her I am dead serious about how I feel about her but also about what we have to talk about.
Anxiety isn't an easy thing to deal with and if you've been cheated on in the past I can see why you would be like this. But this is a different relationship now, it's been almost two years so trust should of been built up between you, unless you have reason to doubt her.
She sounds frustrated which is why she is swearing at you. It's not the most mature response but it's quick and aggressive. I think it's to get you off her case, coz she know every time she goes out she going to get 20 questions and she probably thinks it's just for your benefit not because you care.
Try to pur your self in her shoes ask the question you ask and just see what it feel like and imagine it every time (if it is every single time).
How many questions do you ask her and do you think you could ask less? You could ask for a text to let you know she's safe?
If she thinks and says you don't care then show her. But she also needs to do the same and start treating you nicely too.
Yes, love and respect is so important in a relationship that you care about. And you are not receiving that respect. And if you love someone, telling them where you're going is a act of love.
My husband & I have been married for awhile now and if he just disappears, I'd wonder if he was going to be home for supper. Also, if I have a friend or family member who calls and wants to go out to eat, to a movie or shopping, I'm free to spend time with them without wondering if my husband was going to be back shortly, and looking forward to having supper with me. And maybe he'd like to go to the movie with us?
My heart would be broken like yours, if my husband attacked me verbally every time I asked him, "So where are you going?"
I'm happily to say, he usually says, I'm running to the store, I'll be home around supper. To me this is simply common sense.
I too would be heartbroken if asking questions of concern started a fight. And if she has nothing to hide, she shouldn't be so touchy? But, if she's going out a lot, maybe she wishes you'd take her out more often? Just a thought...
Keep in touch and God Bless!