PeoplesProblems Logo

In love with my ex, but her friend is stopping her from being in contact

Default profile image
I have had an up and down ride with my ex over the last couple of years. This week, she contacted me to say that she misses me, wishes we were still together and we basically started talking again and making plans.

When we were last together, I was quite silly and we both lost sight of things. She left me but again we got talking and in 2015, she wanted to ask me out. I had to turn down however as I had just entered another relationship at the time.

Well, this week had been going beautifully. We had even sent each other a letter saying sorry and staring what we both want for the future. This evening however, I received a message from her friend. Her friend dislikes me a great deal and sent this message using my exes WhatsApp. She said she sensed I had come back into her life and said Everytime my ex is apparently "with someone", I have to "ruin it" for her. I know my ex is single however as she is very open about it on social media! Whenever this girl is around my ex, she takes her phone off her and sends spiteful messages, then proceeds to block me on every social platform.

I am totally distraught and heartbroken. I am unable to sleep and unsure of what to do. I'm thinking maybe once her friend has left, or she has left her friend's house, she might unblock and explain what happened. Because it's odd how one hour we are talking beautifully and enjoying each other and all of a sudden this horrible person comes along. We have both matured and know our previous mistakes will never happen again. I am scared I won't hear from her though. Or even if I do, whether her friend will close me off again. If anyone has any sort of advice, I would be truly grateful. This is such a painful 5hing.

In love with my ex, but her friend is stopping her from being in contact

Default profile image
Hey BlondeAndBroken,
I'm understanding that the main issue here is that while you're renewing communication with your ex, her friend sometimes steps in and is super hostile with you.

First off, for now, it may be best for your ex to not let her phone lie around like that. However, at the same time, she shouldn't have to worry about her friend using her phone without permission in the first place.

Second, my suggestion would be that you request your ex to talk to her friend about not using her phone without your ex's permission. Just because in this case, its interfering with communication between you too. And, if you both want a relationship between you two to work out, communication must be unimpeded. If you are not able to reach your ex by phone, then get in contact with her via email, Facebook, or some other social media platform. If you still can't reach her, then your only other option would be to meet in person.

Third, it's good that your ex's friend cares for her well being, BUT she needs to make her own decisions. That means that your ex must decide whether you're a good person for her to be around. There's nothing stopping your ex's friend from making that judgment, but it is not her place to act on your ex's behalf unsolicited. So, I would suggest that your ex make that clear (in a polite way). She needs to strike that balance between expressing appreciation of her friend's care while also being assertive in regards to ownership and independence for her life decisions.

To summarize, #1 your ex should keep her phone with her at all times while around her friend for now, #2 Your ex needs to be assertive in telling her friend to not use her phone without her permission, and #3 Be assertive in claiming exclusive and final ownership of her life decisions (i.e. who she chooses to enter a relationship with).

I hope these thoughts help. Hope it all works out.


In love with my ex, but her friend is stopping her from being in contact

Default profile image

That's one protective friend she's got there!

I would imagine the friend is the person your ex goes to when she's upset or needs to confine in someone and ask for advice. She may of seen your ex go through a lot in the past few years, so she feels she needs to look out for her and feels that she needs to move on from past relationships.

The friend has gone too far. Sending spiteful messages and making you feel awful is not the right way to go about it, if she wants to contact you she should talk to you propperly, not use your exs phone and pass on an concerns about your ex in a non aggressive more assertive manner. This friend can spout out all the advice in the world to your ex but she can't tell her what to do and live her life for her.

Your ex contacted you, clearly youve been on her mind. You both even went to the effort of writing a letter to each other, so things were clear and infront of you both. That's a very good way to go about it because you get your feeling out better when writing them down.

You ex could be very dependant on this friend and might shes worried about loosing her relationship and support. If she wants to start and friendship or a relationship slowly with you she will get back in contact and if, when she does, your friend will bleed to learn to tell her friend this is what she wants and what she wants in life so she doesn't get dictated to anymore.

In love with my ex, but her friend is stopping her from being in contact

Default profile image
I agree with Isobel in terms of your ex's friend should bring up her concerns to you directly and in an assertive but non-hostile way. Like, letting your ex know that her friend wants to talk to you directly (whether in person, phone, messenger or whatever).

At the same time, if your ex's friend isnt doing so already, she should bring up her concerns to your ex. I'm guessing she hasn't brought up her concerns to your ex if she is messaging you on your ex's phone without your ex knowing.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?