After 4 years of distace relationship we could be together, but...
Hello, I'll try to explain all the best I can.
I'm in a distance relationship for more than 4 years now, she is a beautiful girl and, the most important, she is honest. We've had no problems because of that: we both tell everything. No matter if it's good or bad, if it's going to hurt the other person, we say everything.
We see each other sometimes, in holidays I go there or she comes here, like 10 days each 3 months or so. Meanwhile, we talk every night at the same time before sleeping.
She always tells me that she would never be with another man, and I say the same to her. We know that we will not find anyone as honest as the other, and we really love each other.
This year, she is going to finish some studies, and we had planned that she came with me to live here. A lot of factors involved, but this is the most important: she is not happy living there because her family has a lot of troubles, and even her parents know that the best for her is leaving them to stay with me.
But this happened. She met a guy in a random chat (she has done this several times), but this time he was from his town. And I was happy that she find a friend, as I said, her surroundings are very problematic.
After (only) a week of chatting, she met him, and they did nothing but having fun as friends. I was happy again, but I told her that that was dangerous for our relationship. She told me not to worry, if he try something she would stop him inmediately. But they met again after another week, and just after that (very late at night) we talked, and she told me they had been kissing. She was feeling really bad with herself, but because she didn't interrupted him because she was comftable. As she say, she feels bad because she was comfortable in that situation, and I was angry. But most of all, sad.
We had some time thinking, she told me a million times that she wants to be with me, she knows she can lose the future we've building all this time, which is very close. But she say aswell that she doesn't want to lose contact with him because he is such a good person and all this (saying that of course she loves me more than anything a lot of times)
I couldn't live with that, so I said to her to take a decision. Him or me. I told her to think it well and answer me only when she had an answer. She told me she didn't want to make that decision but at the end, we ended like that. Waiting for a decision.
Beeing weekend, I imagined that she was gonna go out with him again, so today I asked, and has been the last time we've talked. She again told me that she has been doing things with this guy, and we had a sad conversation. She didn't stop crying, saying that she has done everything wrong, and that she doesn't know why is she doing this. I was really calmed down, and I was sure that I was gonna break with her. But I couldn't, and I said to her that the best thing she can do is talk with her mother (maybe the only family member that can help her) just to see everything from another point of view. This happened today.
Before ending the post, this is important: We have everything planned to be together in a city alone, as some vacations, in 18 days (hotel, transport and everything, from a long time ago). We could see each other and talk about this face to face in that time. But I dont know what to do. Being real, I want to cancel everything, but she really wants to see me to talk about everything. And I think that it's not going to help in any way, I don't see how being together 3 days (thats the time we'd be) it's going to fix this.
As extra data, we could start living together in 5 months. After more than 4 years... we would need only 5 months.
What should I do? Do I break with her now? Do I accept she wants to do that just to make her feel better untill we start living together? Or what other choices do I have?
I know this is a lot of text, but I think that everything I said has an important role. Thank you, deeply, for your time, as this is one of the worst moments of my life.
If anyone wants to know more information to help me, ask about it, thanks.
It sounds to me that she's scared, and lonely. And, not truly committed to you. If she feels guilty for seeing him, but continues to see him anyway, it's because she has feelings for him. That doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings for you too, but it does mean she's not committed in the way you want. Don't pressure her, or give her ultimatums. Even if she "chooses" you, she'll resent you and wonder if she should have chosen differently. This sets you both up for failure.
How would you feel about asking her for a break? Take a timeout, to concentrate on yourselves as individuals before deciding about moving to be together. Let her be without you. Without the nightly talks. Without your love and moral support. It will show her what she's throwing away. And, while you're on break, you could also learn how it feels to be without her, and your nightly talks. It would give you each a chance to reset priorities. Don't step over today by placing too much focus on what may or may not happen 5 months from now. Don't be so invested in trying to make it work, that you miss evidence that it shouldn't, or won't. Give each other some time and space, and see where your individual priorities take you, naturally. If you have to "force" anything, it won't work long term. And, because of her moving to a new place where she has no support of her own outside the relationship, you'd both feel trapped. And resentful. Neither of you deserve that.
Have a serious heart to heart. If it doesn't resolve itself and/or she doesn't commit to you on her own, then you both need a break so you can reevaluate. If she spends more time with this new friend, and doesn't come running back to you, then you both know the move wouldn't have worked anyway, and the eventual split would only be exponentially more difficult. Better to take an opportunity to take a break now, before she gives up everything and everyone she knows.
What old are you? You keep bringing up your plans for the future; that’s pretty much your dream. You have to be honest with yourself. The reality is no matter how old you are, what you think your timeframe to make this work or what plan you have for your future, your “girlfriend” is interested by another guy. There are no other ways to put this. I can tell you this much sometime an emotional relationship is worse than a physical one. Even functional relationships have ups and downs. Will she reach out to him every time you guys have a failing out? Will she rely on him for emotional support while she is living with you?
A big part of being in a relationship is to resist temptation. Temptations are all around you. Elom, you are faithful because you are not giving in to temptation. Dating gives you a chance to know the other person and ignoring the bad signs is the worst thing you can do.
I love your girlfriend’s honesty but actions have consequences; just because she was honest with you does mean she should suffer any consequences. I admire the fact that you asked her to make a choice. I think, you should give her some space to figure out what she wants. And you should be fine with whatever her decision should be, but the big work is for yourself.
Ask yourself why you want to rescue her? It is not your duty to save her from her troubles. I understand that you love her but you have to make sure it is reciprocal. If the roles were inversed will she do the same for you? Will you be able to forgive and forget once she moves with you? Since, she is not willing to give up her friend; will you be able to enjoy your relationship knowing this guy is still in the picture?
Bottom line, you can only take care of you! Make sure you are happy in whatever relationship you are in. if you are not happy, especially before marriage, you need to step on and take care of yourself.