Spent the night with my ex’s best friend
So I was with my ex for 10 years, we have a 6 year old son together and we split up 3 years ago, my ex still has feelings for me and hasn’t met anyone else or even had a fling since we broke up.
I’ve had a 2 year relationship since which broke down last year and I was devastated, I’ve dated since but just can’t find anyone that makes me feel alive?
My ex moved his best friend into his house last year and they have been friends since they were teenagers, we are all Im our 40’s, when me and my ex were together we spent a lot of time with his best friend, had holidays together etc and we always got on really well and I always thought he was attractive.
So one night we saw each other to catch up as we were always good fiends but haven’t really spoke properly in the 3 years since me and my ex split up, anyway we had such a lovely night and one thing led to another, we both felt an instant connection and know if we keep seeing each other feelings will develop pretty quickly! I haven’t felt like this for a long time and finally have someone that excited me but we both know it would break my exes heart and would possibly cause a lot of friction. Do we sacrifice something that could be amazing
In order to not upset my ex??
Help! Advice needed
This is not an easy situation to navigate, and I'm sorry to hear you've landed in it. Here's my take on it. Love is very hard to find. You likely have a lot in common with this man, and share a lot of memories already. If you were already friends, and now feel a romantic connection, trying to fight the urge to explore it will be nearly impossible. If you try to ignor/avoid/reject it, you'll forever whatever "what if". And here's where I'm going to sound a little harsh. It's been three years. The fact your ex has CHOSEN to remain stuck, instead of being an adult and moving on with his life? That is not your fault, and it is not your responsibility to turn away from a new connection you want to explore.
I understand the best friend code stuff, but again - it's been three years. I'd ask your new love interest to have a talk with his best friend. Don't ambush your ex by not giving him a heads up. But I'd make it clear it's not his decision whether you two move forward or not. You're simply letting him know so that he can figure out how to handle it without feeling like it was hidden or a secret. Just be honest with your ex, and let him deal with his own emotions, as he should. You can't let his emotional immaturity hold you or his bff hostage. And, maybe this will be the wake-up call he's needed to accept you two are over, and he'll finally be able to move on.
Expect pushback from your ex, and he may get a little nasty. Let him. It may be his way of breaking the bond that's tying him. Give him some leeway while he finds his feet on his own, and remember it's his monkey and his zoo, and don't take his reaction personally. Be kind, but honest, and firm. That's what will be best for all of you, especially your ex.
I hope you are able to find your way through this with as little upset as possible. Please keep us posted??
Thank you for your reply, I’m so glad someone else thinks the same, it’s been 3 and a half years and he should be mature enough to handle the situation, it’s not like we’re doing anything wrong? We are 2 single adults enjoying each other’s company and hopefully be together.
I just don’t know how he will react as his friend lives with him, will he chuck him out, will he cause problems with having his son as I rely on him for childcare occasionally while I go to work? It’s all just so messy! But like you say he needs to be mature about this and deal with his emotions once and for all!
I just know I will be the bad one again as I finished the relationship all those years ago!
It won't be easy. And I really hope things don't get ugly. But that's up to your ex. Your new guy may need to find a back-up residence, and you may need to find a back-up for child care. Give yourselves options in case he reacts badly, but don't allow logistics to be an obstacle where they don't need to be.
You can't coddle your ex forever.
It's very nice of you to take him into consideration and be mindful of his feelings, but you can't let yourselves remain hostage to his emotional immaturity. You are not doing anything wrong. You're moving on with your life, as should your ex.
Is your new guy of the same mind, and willing to have a heart to heart with his buudy?
It’s still early days but yes he knows he will have to speak to him about the situation as we don’t want to sneak around like we are having some sordid affair which is how we shouldn’t be feeling!
He’s more concerned how my son will feel about it as he knows him as daddy’s best friend? But he loves him and couldn’t think of anyone better to be in my sons life as he already is.
I think for the time being we should just enjoy being together and see how things pan out, if it goes the way we think it will and we see a future together we are going to have to speak to him first rather than him find out some other way? Just hate sneaking around like we are doing something wrong!
That seems perfectly reasonable to me. :) I wish you all the best of luck, and please keep us posted?
Hello FLOSTER1976. Relationships can be demanding but usually are worth the challenge. The previous posts sound logical and safe and more importantly, honest. The interactions between all, including your son, need to be honest and open. However, we may be avoiding the elephant in the room.
Is this relationship with your ex’s best friend platonic? You have mentioned that you have always found your friend attractive. Is this a physical attraction……emotional…...social…..all of the above? Are you able to keep this friendship nonsexual to bear out your long term commitment to this person? If it is only the physical attraction that connects the two of you, this may “blow up” and hurt everyone. If not, as mentioned previously, it could be the best for all. Invest in this friend, your ex and your son! They all appear to be worth it.
And yes, keep us posted.
What do you mean by, "elephant in the room", and "bear out your commitment to this person"? Unless I read the OP completely wrong, she's currently single, and free to date. No commitment she needs to honor. I also thought it was clear she (and her new guy/ex's buddy) are definitely interested in a romantic relationship. So your post genuinely confused me.
Yes both of us are currently single and not seeing anyone else, of course this friendship isn’t just sexual, we were friends for years and have always got on extremely well, that’s the problem! If it was just sexual I would not risk upsetting my ex and just end things now, however this is more than that and we could be great together. We have both said that if we met each other before me and my ex met then we would have got together, however I truly believe things happen for a reason.
My ex is extremely difficult at the best of times and just know this will either make or break him and I don’t want to hurt anyone in all of this
Hi ladies. Thanks for responding. I will attempt to answer both of you in this post. “The elephant in the room” is simply asking the most powerful question that wasn’t clear to me previously. It is very clear that both of you are available but the profound difference is you are now physically intimate with each other. This can and will change everything dramatically for all of you. The allure and the mysteries that are shared with another in a sexual relationship are or should be very powerful and extremely personal. This was absent previously in your friendship. FLOSTER1976, the four of you will never be the same.
Now with all that being said, this new relationship sounds very promising but it may come at a cost. This could be minimal if you communicate honestly with your ex. It is good that there is more to this new relationship than physical attraction. This is what I meant when I said there must be more “to bear out this commitment” to your friend. When this new romance slows and you recognize the quirks and peculiarities in each other (that all of us have), there needs to be an emotional, unbreakable bond that will be worth the sacrifice you are about to make.
I hope this makes more sense and I continue to hear from you.
Thanks for replying, yeah I understand that although we know each other really well there are definitely flaws to all of us, however I feel as though I already know these flaws and I totally think we are suited and always have. We both feel the same and is no way one sided in relation to how we feel, I think the best course of action right now is to keep things to just the two of us and enjoy this time together, my ex came round to see his son today and he still made a comment on how much he still loves me!! (He does this a lot! Which is really unfair) I wish he wouldn’t and found someone else as this just makes things worse
Hi FLOSTER1976. I wouldn't worry about the flaws and unknowns because I have confidence in your mutual commitment in this new relationship. Again, however, this relationship between the three of you is now dramatically different. The sooner the truth is revealed the better for all involved. By the way, is your son aware of this new relationship and how is he doing with it?
If we can help more, let us know. Good luck, girl.
No my son has no idea, I don’t introduce my son to anyone, he only knew about my 2 year relationship after me and my ex split up, I would never get him involved until I know for definite about my feelings with someone so he has seen me single for the last year.