My dad doesn't know I exist
FREESPIRIT - Mar 13 2018 at 05:06
My mom met my dad a while ago. I’m a little confused about the story, but long story short they broke up before she found out she was pregnant and I guess she just never got around to telling him. Now my twin brother and I are about to start high school, being raised by just my mom. She had done a very good job and I am very privileged, and she is always willing to talk about him.
Even though she says she’ll talk, she always never reaches out to me about it. I always have to awkwardly go to her even though we are close. As I get more mature, I am realizing the situation. He doesn’t know that we exist, and I am pretty sure that he is married with kids. I really want to talk to my mom to let her know that I wanna reach out to him. How do I approach this situation? Will he be mad or do something? Will he be accepting? How long should I wait? Will I ruin his life?
My mom has never gotten remarried so I don’t have a father figure it all. I can’t imagine one and my family is extremely small because of this and I only have one cousin. Please help, thanks ;)
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I can't even imagine, really. But I have to ask.... Why don't you just talk to your mom? If you're expecting her to bring it up without you asking, you'll be waiting for a very long time. I can't imagine she'd assume you want any information you don't ask for. In a situation like this, it's going to be up to you to initiate the conversation. Is there a reason you haven't done that already?
Remember there could be some serious reason why she doesn’t offer you more information about your dad.
Does your Mom ever talk about how they met, and if they were in love at. one time?
This is bothering you and it possibly, is not going to go away. So, your best chance is to let your Mom know how much this means to you. And maybe then together she’ll help you find your Dad.
You are just starting High School, so if you wait until you are an adult, you’ll have more freedom.
If you can’t wait until you become an adult, and you can’t get answers from your Mom. I’m sending you a link below:
If anything you’ll find how to look for your Dad in the future. And if you show this Information/link to your Mom, maybe she’ll see how important this is to you, and try and help you track down your Dad. Or give you better reasons why not.
PS. Keep me updated! I’ll be praying for you...
Wow, this is a majorly sensitive issue and I really feel for you. Apart from the dad-shaped hole in your life you must be also burning up with curiosity about this anonymous person who's a part of you. I'm sure your mum would have known since the day you were born that the time would come when you'd want to know about your father, maybe she's even been dreading it. Because you say she doesn't 'offer' information when you raise the subject, which I interpret as a kind of passive resistance, I'm guessing that perhaps your mum's concerned about the potential outcomes of you contacting your father and how you may be affected. Whatever her reasons, I'm sure she has the best interests of you & your brother at heart. Raising two kids on your own is no walk in the park and it's unusual for a woman to choose the hard road of single parenthood with no financial support from the other parent, so perhaps that could be a starting point for a conversation between you and your mum, maybe just outright ask her why she chose not to let your father know that he was expecting twins. You do have a right to know why your mum made that choice.
As far as contacting your father goes, you need to let your mum know you want to do that. It's a respect thing, I have a feeling your mum's got good reasons for making the decisions she has, and I think if you tried to find your dad without telling her it could be very hurtful to her. As Merci suggested, you could wait until you're older, or, if you can't wait, you need to tell your mum and she will either help you or she'll have her reasons for not helping you, but you should give her that right of choice and explanation.
Your questions about ruining your dad's life, etc....no one can really answer that. You have to take that chance and accept that the truth of the whole situation might not be the truth that you would hope for. Twelve years down the track he could be a lonely single guy who's over the moon to find out he has two kids, or he could be a married man who was already married when he got involved with your mum. There are a myriad of possible scenarios. Whatever happens, you have to be ready to go into it with an attitude of acceptance and forgiveness before you take the step of actually opening yourself up to possible hurt and rejection. I think maybe this is what your mum is protecting you from, the possibility of a cold response.
I'm interested to know whether your brother feels the same way, does he also want to find your father? If he does then maybe the two of you could sit down with your mum and broach the subject.
Your mom may very well be protecting you. I think you should talk to her and be open to hearing her side of the story.