BOROLAD1979 - Mar 18 2018 at 18:40
What I am saying is not about advice, it's just the following:
The reason why i am apprehensive about going on dating sites is because i cannot strike a conversation whatsoever. I am 39 yr old male from the UK. I know that i have been on Tinder and POF but to be honest i can't do it. It's something that has really affected and bothered me for so long now, i know that i will be single for a long time. I know it sounds bad but that's what happens when been out of the dating scene for nearly 9 years. Also, it is really worse when i have been on nights out being in a relaxed position with no worries or pressure where i have not been able to chat/talk to women in which i have gone straight home leaving friends on their own because a thing like really gets to me and it is something that i can never get the better of and my friends wonder what is wrong and they cannot understand, it is not easy as people think.
That's why i have been on the likes of Tinder and POF to see what the fuss is about but i really don't get much involved but apart from the 2 instances that i have had on there. I treat this with a pinch of salt as it is something that I cannot and feel that it is not going to improve. That's why i don't say much in life unless i have to. I can't strike a conversation (meaningful or funny) at all. It proves that I can never and never will be in a position like people who have been successful in dating. With the timescales in the 1 relationship (July 1997 - June 1998) and the 2 flings (January 2003 for 1 week and September 2008 for 6 weeks) it clearly shows that I am clearly and seriously no good at all to women.
I can understand the frustrations that most women have when it comes to dating and have seen how they come across on the likes of POF, Tinder and others but it doesn't help me with the problem I have, it just makes me want to avoid them and I know that all women are not nasty. It has got something to do with the way that society has been and is going on but it's those innocent ones who suffer.
I would never go on a date because the conversation on my side would be dead and that definitely will ruin it and it wouldn't be fair to a woman. I can't do the simplest thing (to talk to women with ease). I am surprised that friends who I have had nights out with are still talking to me after the times when I have walked away and gone home due to not being able to talk to women. This is down to the relationship that I had 20 years ago, the girl who I was with was nasty, she wanted her own way all the time, something had to give back then. This has ruined me, I have tried to rectify it and move on but I can't. So single life will be continuing for me because I can't do it.
To be honest, I am having to force myself to speak with people but I am very uncomfortable with but it should be naturally occurring but it's not. That's why I am a quiet person who only speaks if I have to. It sounds sad but it's the reality of it.
With the umpteen times that I have tried to overcome this and failed, then there is no hope really.
I can't do it on a regular basis to be confident. I have tried to overcome this on nights out without any pressure/stress but have failed all the time.
I know but I just can't do it, I can't overcome this whatsoever, it's been like this all of my life, tried to change it but can't put it right.
I won't, rest assured. With me, I have been hurt in my very first relationship when I was 18, she destroyed me literally, my confidence in women is virtually nil.
I have had a few flings after that relationship but it's been hard to adapt, the last fling was September 2008 and that didn't last long (2 months), since then it's been downhill ever since. That's why every time dating adverts I turn the TV channel over to something else because I can't bear it anymore, I am a failure.
I have now and have been losing the ability to say
You just had no problem telling us what the problem is, so you DO talk, just not in social situations. We all get our hearts broken and our self-esteem trampled by relationships, but one relationship usually does not cause this much social trauma, that's an individual reaction depending on the emotional resources that each person has. It sounds as though you have quite severe social anxiety, and that can be worked on. I would suggest visiting your GP and discussing your depression, (because you do have depression, your post gives it away), and ask for a referral to see a therapist. Please take a look at this link and see if you can relate to the list of symptoms.
It's not a crime to suffer anxiety, don't be ashamed or embarrassed about it, but do get help because this is one type of anxiety which can be helped with cognitive therapy and the right kind of support. I have also heard of hypnotism helping a lot with social anxiety.