I need to understand, any males who have or are going thru this, please respond
So, 4 years ago ....I found out that my of 6 years was responding to m4m posts on craigslist. He even posted one saying he could host on the eastside. He went as far as taking a pic of his genitals and anal area for people to see. I confronted him and in a black out rage , I just started started punching him in his face and head.Screaming at him, he bawled like a baby, begged me to not leave him, recited the same thing guys always do when they are caught cheating, " I love you so much", "please don't leave me" "I didn't mean it", "I only want you". Ill do anything" and blah blah blah. He told me he never would of followed through but I'm wasn't stupid enough to believe that. 2 years later, he was contacting some one for happy ending massages, I'm not sure if it was a female or male. Anyways,while 6 years ,he's been doing shit like this but always gets caught. The last year he has changed which I know people say can't happen. He's been great, he's grown up a lot and a wonderful father. But I can't stop thinking about it and still wondering if he might be gay or struggling with it. It has affected the way I look at him, ever since then I have this hatred towards him, not because he might be gay or no but because he lied to me. How can I get past this. Has any guy out there been through the same but truly still loved their gf? And really was just curious? He is a masculine guy in a death metal band, if you were to see him or talk to him, you would never suspect it. He loves women and is the biggest horndog for women ,that I've ever met. He's constantly trying to either grab my ass or do something perverted, I have no doubt in my mind he loves women but I just need a guys perspective , I want to understand. Help me understand so I can be a supportive gf and get past it. Please.I love him unconditionally, I've stayed because I wanted to. I'm glad I did because he's finally becoming the man I've always known he could be , I just don't understand this one thing.
I can't imagine everything you've been through. I don't know if I can help, but I'll use try.
I've been doing a lot of research on sexuality. (I've struggled myself, but with asexuality.) What I'm finding, over and over again, is that sexuality is a spectrum. Very few people are 100% anything. Most lean heavily toward one end of the spectrum, but sexuality is also like a pendulum. It changes and evolves over time and experience. There is nothing wrong with any of that, and it does not make him less of a man, only less heterosexual. What's happened to you is wildly unfair, and I don't blame you for being angry. This would kill most relationships, and I applaud you for trying to get past it and move forward.
I know you've been through the wringer, but so has he. I'm sure he knows exactly how you feel about him, and wouldn't be surprised if he imagines it's even worse than it is. That resentment and general distrust will only get worse unless you can accept it's who he is and stop judging him. Try being just his friend for awhile, and just talk to him. Look at him as a confused human being that needs a kind ear, and see what happens. Tell him you want to know how he really feels. Who he's attracted to. And you need to try and not react negatively. It takes a ton of courage to talk about this, so try not to stifle any attempt with anger. That's the only way I can see you two getting a new start. Be friends for awhile, and try not to take his sexual confusion personally. Although it directly affects you, it isn't about you, it's about him. And he should have been honest from the start, but that's not the situation you're currently in. So the only way I see forward is to somehow find acceptance. Forgiveness isn't even an option until there's acceptance. Moving forward isn't an option without both acceptance and forgiveness. Much easier said than done. But you're asking how you can move forward, and this is my advice.
I also suggest you find a counselor. Him too. And one you can see together. You need someone to help navigate the anger and trust issues this has generated. He needs help figuring out who he is and what he wants. If you're serious about healing, I highly recommend getting professional help.
All of that said... If he is not anchored to one sexuality, can you accept that, or would you need to move on?
I am so sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I hope things get better for you. Please keep reaching out.
You helped me to understand so much better. Thank You. I'm starting to understand. I know its nothing I did or didn't do. I know he's humiliated by it. I don't bring it up because I don't want to embarrass him. I hold it in and I carry it by myself but I know he's carrying stuff too.. I just want to be a good gf, I want to understand and be supportive. He's my everything, gay, bi or straight....Ill love him no matter what. He's my best friend. Ill do anything for his happiness. It just hurts, it really does. Thank you ,though. You made a lot of sense and confirmed a lot.
Your intent to understand and support him is commendable, and exactly what he needs. But you need someone you can talk to as well without worrying how anything lands. Is there someone close (but not too close) you can confide in without it being awkward and/or judgmental? You need an unbiased and helpful sounding board, and I'm so glad you're reaching out here. I really do think you could benefit immensely from seeing a counselor, where it's safe and all about you. If that's not feasible, just keep a dialogue going here and we'll do our best.
I understand why it's not something you want to bring up, but is there a way you could take a timeout or something? Like, not a break from the relationship, but just a way to talk freely, regardless of how sensitive or embarrassing it may be? Like hitting the pause button, just to clear up any confusion without worry of a fight. A way you can both let go of your usual roles and just be best friends, without taking things personally. Because in my experience, that stress and pain you're both carrying, alone, is more manageable once it's shared. And, I believe you'll both be pleasantly surprised at how much closer it could allow you to be, without all the things you're not saying widening the space between you.
If you haven't already told him, he really needs to hear what you just communicated here. The most powerful thing you can do for someone you love, is to reassure them that they are lovable, and worth loving, as is. All anyone wants is to know they're accepted, appreciated, and supported. The fact you have all of that in your heart for him will go a long way toward healing for you both. So don't be afraid to share it with the one that needs to hear it the most. You say he feels humiliated. And that breaks my heart. It's part of who he is. Feeling humiliated about who you are is a battle not easily won. I'm sure the humiliation and guilt for hurting you is compounding that. I doubt he's forgiven himself, and would love to know that even if you're still working on it, you want to accept and forgive him and move forward together. He's likely constantly wondering where your head and heart are at, worrying that you'll end it. Even if you don't address the sexuality issue, it would benefit you both to just be clear about intentions. For yourselves as individuals, and as a couple. And just go from there.
Huge hugs to you!!