Unrequited love for my best friend
I have been best friends with a man for about 5 years now. We do everything together and spend every day together. We go out to dinner/ movies/ events, etc. He sleeps over my house and I cook for him almost every night. When we first became friends, we were intimate with each other a couple of times, but have been strictly platonic since. The problem is that I am in love with him. He knows how I feel and although he claims to not feel the same way, he continues to spend every waking moment with me and is always trying to better me. He gets obviously jealous when other men try to flirt with me or when I talk about other men, but claims he doesn't. We do pretty much everything that a couple would do, minus the physical contact. Everybody thinks we are a couple, as well. I think I should also mention that he is somewhat of a sex-addict. This makes me feel self-conscious that he is constantly thinking of sex but isn't turned on by me, even when sleeping in the same bed... I don't want to lose him as a friend and I do like the bond we share and what we have together but I am constantly thinking about how much I love him and want to be with him. I even started working out at the gym, thinking that maybe my recent weight gain is the problem. I know he *loves* me, but isn't *attracted* to me. I'm afraid that if one of us starts dating someone else that our friendship will take a hit, since we are super close and I'm sure that any significant other wouldn't appreciate our relationship at all. I really can't see myself with anyone else... I'm not sure what to do.. help!
Thanks for your input. He is very promiscuous with others but not me. These are all meaningless relationships and he goes through girls so to speak, with no strings attached and moves on to the next. I think that this plays into it as well, and that he views sex in an almost dirty way as he stopped having sex with me once he actually developed a stronger bond and only has sex with equally promiscuous girls that he doesn't care about. Every time I try to cut things off (in the past), he cries and tells me how much love he has for me and that we are best friends, etc. etc... The thing is, I don't want to cut him off. I don't want to lose him because he truly is the best friend I have ever had and is amazing to me. :(
I'm 31 and he is 27. I think the first two possibilities are very relevant... I feel like I'm his mother sometimes lol. I know he doesn't have another woman or man, I spend too much time with him, his family, friends, etc. to not know that and he's been more open with me regarding girls he sleeps with etc, since I told him it's weird to hide it from me if he is my "best friend."(In the past he would avoid telling me where he was going/ avoid the subject when meeting up with a girl) Although he still acts very strange and uncomfortable about talking about girls to me and/or if I say anything about other men. He actually briefly dated a girl a year or two ago and continued to hang out with me almost every day, even though she didn't approve of it. They broke up when I caught her cheating on him at a bar. I do not pay for anything for him, really... on the contrary, he pays for our meals out, entertainment, lets me borrow money whenever I want, buys me expensive gifts for Christmas/birthdays, pays for groceries when I cook for him, and even put me on a family plan with him at the gym and is paying for my membership. I will very rarely pay for a meal out when my budget allows, because I feel bad that he is ALWAYS paying.
Honestly, I think something may have happened to him when he was younger, that he's holding back, that is causing him to view sex in the way he does. He was born in another country and his dad was abusive towards his mom and they divorced when he was 8, that's when he came to America with his mom. He's very close to her and she is now married to someone 20 years younger than her. His exploits are real, but I don't think he wants a relationship with any of the girls... he tends to go for "sluts" (for lack of a better term) and girls that are already in relationships so they expect nothing in return. I think his "sex addiction" is just more of a way to prove to himself that he can get all these girls to like to him. I think he's using me for comfort/the actual relationship part and fulfilling his sexual desires with them. We've talked about it before (my feelings) but it always ends up either in an argument or with him crying and telling me how he "doesn't want to lose me." Your last line resonates with me a lot though- "Some valuable time is slipping." Thanks for that.
Correct. He "loves" me but not "in love." Apparently, he was in love with one woman that he dated for years, about 6-7 years ago...