Unrequited love for my best friend
I have been best friends with a man for about 5 years now. We do everything together and spend every day together. We go out to dinner/ movies/ events, etc. He sleeps over my house and I cook for him almost every night. When we first became friends, we were intimate with each other a couple of times, but have been strictly platonic since. The problem is that I am in love with him. He knows how I feel and although he claims to not feel the same way, he continues to spend every waking moment with me and is always trying to better me. He gets obviously jealous when other men try to flirt with me or when I talk about other men, but claims he doesn't. We do pretty much everything that a couple would do, minus the physical contact. Everybody thinks we are a couple, as well. I think I should also mention that he is somewhat of a sex-addict. This makes me feel self-conscious that he is constantly thinking of sex but isn't turned on by me, even when sleeping in the same bed... I don't want to lose him as a friend and I do like the bond we share and what we have together but I am constantly thinking about how much I love him and want to be with him. I even started working out at the gym, thinking that maybe my recent weight gain is the problem. I know he *loves* me, but isn't *attracted* to me. I'm afraid that if one of us starts dating someone else that our friendship will take a hit, since we are super close and I'm sure that any significant other wouldn't appreciate our relationship at all. I really can't see myself with anyone else... I'm not sure what to do.. help!
You need to decide if you can live like this because it sounds like he’s entrenched in being in the friend zone with you, intense as it might be.
You say he is a sex addict. How does that manifest itself? Porn watcher? (What kind)? Promiscuous with others but not you? Possibly gay? Low libido?
You are not getting the full benefit for what you give out.
Time is so precious to me now. A big regret is how much time I gave to bad relationships. Robbed me of something that can never be recovered. I hope you don’t make the same mistake!
Thanks for your input. He is very promiscuous with others but not me. These are all meaningless relationships and he goes through girls so to speak, with no strings attached and moves on to the next. I think that this plays into it as well, and that he views sex in an almost dirty way as he stopped having sex with me once he actually developed a stronger bond and only has sex with equally promiscuous girls that he doesn't care about. Every time I try to cut things off (in the past), he cries and tells me how much love he has for me and that we are best friends, etc. etc... The thing is, I don't want to cut him off. I don't want to lose him because he truly is the best friend I have ever had and is amazing to me.
He sees you as a “ mother “ figure and that accounts for the “forbidden sex” attitude.
He’s a sex addict but he dare not “hit and run” with you, since there’s other factors holding you to him.
He has another life ( he’s not living with you, you said) and may have another woman or man, since you don’t really know for sure. .
In any case, he can’t/won’t fully commit and you are left unfulfilled.
Only you can answer if this is good enough for you.
Are you paying for his clothes, car, food, entertainment and meals out? Just curious.
I'm 31 and he is 27. I think the first two possibilities are very relevant... I feel like I'm his mother sometimes lol. I know he doesn't have another woman or man, I spend too much time with him, his family, friends, etc. to not know that and he's been more open with me regarding girls he sleeps with etc, since I told him it's weird to hide it from me if he is my "best friend."
In the past he would avoid telling me where he was going/ avoid the subject when meeting up with a girl) Although he still acts very strange and uncomfortable about talking about girls to me and/or if I say anything about other men. He actually briefly dated a girl a year or two ago and continued to hang out with me almost every day, even though she didn't approve of it. They broke up when I caught her cheating on him at a bar. I do not pay for anything for him, really... on the contrary, he pays for our meals out, entertainment, lets me borrow money whenever I want, buys me expensive gifts for Christmas/birthdays, pays for groceries when I cook for him, and even put me on a family plan with him at the gym and is paying for my membership. I will very rarely pay for a meal out when my budget allows, because I feel bad that he is ALWAYS paying.
Something is very fishy here. A relationship should be 360 degrees. He is withholding a big percentage of that, considering your ages and how “close” you say you are. After 5 years, his behavior is entrenched in your relationship. It’s not going to get better without intervention or you drawing a line in the sand.
Are his sexual “exploits” real? Why hasn’t he been able to have a complete relationship with any of these women? Something must have been wrong with his ex for her to see other men. Besides, no other woman would tolerate the relationship you claim you have.
What are the dynamics in his parent’s marriage? I have seen adult children have their sexual health and marriages suffer because there were messages in the home - from mom and dad- that sex is dirty, sinful, shameful, restrcted by religion, affairs, etc.
Does he know how much this bothers you? Perhaps couples counseling could uncover why he withholds this part of his affection to just you.
In the meantime, some valuable time is slipping by.
Honestly, I think something may have happened to him when he was younger, that he's holding back, that is causing him to view sex in the way he does. He was born in another country and his dad was abusive towards his mom and they divorced when he was 8, that's when he came to America with his mom. He's very close to her and she is now married to someone 20 years younger than her. His exploits are real, but I don't think he wants a relationship with any of the girls... he tends to go for "sluts" (for lack of a better term) and girls that are already in relationships so they expect nothing in return. I think his "sex addiction" is just more of a way to prove to himself that he can get all these girls to like to him. I think he's using me for comfort/the actual relationship part and fulfilling his sexual desires with them. We've talked about it before (my feelings) but it always ends up either in an argument or with him crying and telling me how he "doesn't want to lose me." Your last line resonates with me a lot though- "Some valuable time is slipping." Thanks for that.
You wrote that your friend told you that he doesn't feel in love with you. You also wrote that he had or has sex with women without feeling in love with them.
I am wondering if he ever felt in love with a woman so far in his life?
Correct. He "loves" me but not "in love." Apparently, he was in love with one woman that he dated for years, about 6-7 years ago...
Hello DBLOCKKKK: six or seven years ago, that is a long time ago. Maybe he doesn't remember well how he felt then, maybe his feeling then had to do with something outside the relationship he had, for example, living in a different place than before, away from family, perhaps, being hopeful about life getting better.
Maybe he is angry with women, so he uses women for sex.
Learn his motivation/s better, what makes him tick.