My husband doesn't help me
I have been married for about six months now, my husband and I have been together for 5 years. I love him dearly, but he doesn't seem to understand his delivery is terrible. I have tried explaining to him, that it is not what he says, but how he says it, but well clearly here we still are.
There have been numerous occasions, when he has said something, that he claims was not ment in the way in which I took it, but he doesn't seem to see why I took it the way I did.
For example, just now he came through the door after work, within 5 minutes, I got hit with "you haven't put the sheets on the bed?" Meanwhile I'm in the kitchen doing meal prep and dinner with folded and sorted laundry in the living room, the vacuum has been run though the house and I've already been to the store.
I work a 40+hour a week job, that requires me being on my feet, barely having time for lunch, and working with the general public. I think he thinks it's just a hobby and I'll give it all up when we have kids, but that isn't what I want, which I have expressed.
His days off, he choose to do whatever he wants, while mine are spent doing chores and running errands to play catch up, but God forbid something changes and there isn't something to eat or he doesn't know where his clothes are, he freaks out.
I have tried explaining that I need help, and usually it comes down to me having a full on breakdown. He helps for the moment and then he goes back about his usual business, leaving me yet again to deal with the everyday chores and stresses of the household.
If we do argue, he manipulates the situation and makes me feel like I'm wrong and I should be apologizing, when going into the argument, I was upset at him. I'm not wrong in my feelings, sometimes I can see his side of things, but he never seems to see my perspective, that's where he starts to manipulate.
I guess I want to know how to show him how terrible his attitude is and how it effects me. He brings me down when I've had a good day and he's complaining about work, his video games or family obligations. He never seems to feel content. What can I do to help us both?
Your husband is a child, and he's treating you like his mummy. If you're bringing money into the home and contributing financially he doesn't get to play the Man Of The House while you run around like his live-in maid, (unless you let him). You either stay and live in servitude with this obnoxious, self-centered man-child, or you put a stop to it. Unfortunately that will mean giving him an ultimatum. Either he lifts his game and sticks to it or you leave. I have seen men do this to so many women, and the women usually enable the behaviour by staying and allowing their partner to manipulate them. I would suggest counselling, but I doubt your partner would agree to it. Why? Because he sounds like a total a-hole. Seriously.
Did you marry a momma’s boy? He holds an entrenched role of what women are supposed to be. It’s not going to get better.
Did you notice his family dynamic when you were dating? Most likely spoiled and waited on all his life. His irritability and “poor me” attitude are signs of depression
Don’t start a family with this guy!
Go to counseling to help prepare yourself in how to stop revolving around a guy who thinks nothing is good enough, done right, or clean enough.
When we were dating, he never seemed like a mommas boy, his mom didn't prepare his meals unless it was a family get together or his birthday. He seemed to stand well on his own two feet. He likes to say he is ocd, but it he 5 years we've been together, I have yet to see it. I clean and organize. And I've had friends suggest going on strike. No cooking cleaning etc. But then it starts to effect me as well. The mess gets to be too much, there's never anything to eat and I cannot live on fast food the way he can. I'm at a loss of what else to try, other than staying at my mother's house for a week or two, but at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't be inconvenienced like that.
It is possible, even likely, that your husband is a significantly anxious person. When he came home from work he sees that the bed is not made so .. he feels disturbed, as in: I can't go to bed (later) if the sheets are not on the mattress, so he tells you: "You haven't put the sheets on the bed?", as in, Put the sheets on the bed! How will I go to bed without sheets?
One may think (I am), well, why is he not placing the sheets on the bed? It may very well be that he is in the habit of distracting himself from that anxious feeling by... distracting, computer games or what not. The effective solution would be to make the bed himself. The compassionate behavior would be to help you.
But he may very well be in the habit, established long ago, to avoid, distract, do his thing.
I wish that was the cause, but he is not anxious like that, we have slept on our bed now 2 nights without sheets, since I've now gone on strike. He's the one that is content without sheets, I on the otherhand can't stand it. He won't even use the top sheet on the bed. I like my beds tight and almost enveloped in, he sleeps with only a comforter, it make me feel like we live like vagrants.
He’s waiting for you to clean it all up. He can’t or won’t do it.
A strike isn’t going to work. He’s overwhelmed.
Ask him if he will HELP put on the sheets. If he can’t even do that, separate.
But don’t expect any change. This is deep seeded into his character and he will live as a hermit.
Another solution is a housekeeper. Cheaper than a divorce or psychotherapy for you. .
Pump the brakes.
Why are you asking him for HELP with HIS responsibilities? Why is the entire household your responsibility? Does he not live there? Or eat? Or wear clothes? Or use anything that needs to be shopped? You say he existed just fine before, so why is it all on you now? When did you sign that ridiculous contract?
I was married to a similar man-child for 24 years. You're right that you do not want to have kids with this kind of person. I finally moved on, and only regret waiting so long. I kept hoping he would grow up. I kept hoping he'd "get it". Nope. Same fights, over and over, for decades. I think back, and shake my head. Especially knowing what I know now. I'm with the love of my life now, and I sometimes cannot believe I ever put up with that. I was actively complicit in my own subjugation. You do not exist to serve his needs. Your needs and wants matter too. When was the last time the focus was on you? Even your own focus? I ask, because I've been there.
You deserve so much better. But you have to believe it, to have it.
Do something proactive. Take one small step that may help you to put your focus on yourself for awhile.
Figure out what you want, and what you don't.
If you what you want is what you have, only different, you're gambling with your future, betting on him to want to change. Good luck.
If what you want is anything other than what you already (or may possibly ever) have in your current situation, end it and move on.
If you choose to wait and hope for him to want to change, then while you're waiting, be taking steps towards the things you want. Small, big, frequent or rare, just keep thinking forward in terms of what you need and want. Don't waste years being so thoroughly dissatisfied in your own life that you blow it all up just to make sure you move on.
That said, blowing it all up wasn't necessarily a bad thing, and we're both happier, which is what matters. But I would rather you resolve it before it gets to that. If you think ending it will be complicated, you're right. But if you don't think you'll get to a point where that won't matter and you'll need out immediately, you'll be surprised.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I love my husband with my whole heart. And that slowly dissolved over years of built-up resentment. If you want to stay married, he needs to grow up. Fast. Anything short of that spells disaster for both of you.
I love*d my husband. When we got married, I was head over heels. That changed, and eventually disappeared altogether.
Hello again DEEDEE2017:
In your original post you described a miscommunication problem between you and your husband: "when he said something, that he claims was not meant in the way in which I took it, but he doesn't seem to see why I took it the way I did".
Then you gave an example: he said to you, "you haven't put the sheets on the bed?"
What do you think he meant in this question?
After you told him (?) what you thought he meant, what did he say to you in response?
Honestly when he initially said it, I replied with "I haven't made it that far yet." To which he returned "what do you mean you haven't made it that far? That's where you started your day."
I think he thought it was funny, and if he didn't have such a smug matter-of-fact look on his face, it might have been. But the sad truth is he was serious.
Oh and update, we are going on 3 days now with no sheets on the bed. I also haven't really spoken to him, not just because I've been working, but because I don't really know what to say. I'm so angry and frustrated.
So the exchange was at the end of a work day for you (working more than 40 hours per week, so about 8 hours that day?) and at the end of his work day as well. He is home, you are preparing dinner and folding laundry in the living room.
He: "You haven't put the sheets on the bed?"
You: "I haven't made it that far yet."
He: "What do you mean you haven't made it that far? That's where you started your day"
My question to you: did you start your day doing laundry? I thought you work full time outside the home?
Is he not aware that you were at work that day and that you weren't at home all day?
I hadn't worked thay day, it was my day off.
We had an agreement on monday, that he was going to throw his comforter in the wash, and when I got up i would switch that over and start the fitted sheets and pillow cases. On Monday night, he didn't feel like putting the sheets on the bed
Come Tuesday when he knew I'd be off, he assumed I'd take care of it, along with the million other things I had to do, like do the shopping, cooking, and the rest of the laundry.
I had even texted him earlier to ask if he wanted anything specific from the store. He saw me in the kitchen with about 3 pots/pans on the stove, then walked into the bedroom and saw the sheets still not on the bed.
Yet on his days off, he watches movies and plays computer games, which would be fine if I could even get him to vacuum or clean the litter box for our cat. This is where I get frustrated
We had absolutely no agreement that I would put the sheets back on the bed, he assumed.
This is not about sheets. This isn't about miscommunication. This is about systemic disrespect and indifference. It's about his unwillingness to do any of his own chores, while resenting you for not doing everything his way and on his timeline. You keep thinking he cares how you feel. He only cares if it effects him directly, because you're not cleaning up after him. You are not going to be able to tolerate the level of filth he can live comfortably with, and he knows it. I went on strike many times. It would get a little better for a week or two. Then right back to how it was, because that's who he is. I didn't say "who he was", because even now, he lives with an older sister that takes care of him. He's 52, and living in her basement.
Kick him out, or take a break and go stay somewhere you can take a few breaths. This dynamic isn't going to change unless he wants it to. He's showing you he'd rather lose you, than do anything for himself or *gasp* for you. Believe him. If you are okay with being his servant, then don't expect him to treat you like anything more than that. You keep thinking he should appreciate you instead of resenting you. You're right. But you're wrong if you believe he'll ever actually change, especially if you keep caving. F you can't live like his servant, or in a sty, then you should not live with someone unwilling to adult on their own behalf.
Hello again, DEEDEE2017:
I don't know or understand a whole lot about your relationship with your husband. I don't understand what you meant by "his delivery is terrible" (second line of your original post). Nor do I know how he manipulates you ("he starts to manipulate").
From the little I do understand, it reads like he is a selfish man, not a caring or loving man.
Can't fix that, can you. Better not make him a father of your child, I believe. Because being a selfish, uncaring, unloving father will hurt a child badly.
I agree that it’s not about the sheets.
It’s about his control and you not being under it. By you standing up to this, it only fuels the issue with him. To him, it’s ALL about the sheets.
He won’t work WITH you. He won’t do it by himself. He won’t do it for the marriage. He wants YOU to do it. When you do, that’s when he will get his power .... because that’s how it’s been for the last 5 years.
So —- That’s all he sees when he walks thru the door.
This argument will not end. It’s going to escalate.
Consider separating. I am concerned about your safety.