Immense permanent stress from upset parents
In a Family of 3. Myself & my Parents. We're Asians. I am 35, parent's are at 60+.
The Issue: My mom especially (dad simply agrees to her to benefit his agendas)has been unhappy with my work from Day 1 (2010), and spends daily moments either a) crying about how she can never retire b) how I am causing her to slog c) They will alwsys need to take care of me.
I have been self-employed for 8 years. I've 2 income streams: Tutor (from 2010), Trading (from late 2016)
1) I love working at my own time & targets. 2) Back then for 3 years, I applied for over 3500 ++ jobs in all sectors possible => as a means to make a base income before doing my own thing. None of that worked, and I ended up with my self employment.
Now my Income from being a Tutor provides for my Basic Monthly Budget & Building up my Emergency Savings. I have been learning to Manage my Money from my Trading ROI (10 - 40% / positive month). I also trade for my family funded by part of my tuition excess, where I am slowly building up my funds for them. I have learnt not to give them the money as they only end up reimbursing me for my expenses in the name of : "You don't have a steady income".
@ Well I don't have a "steady income" because as a tutor: most of my students ease off classes during exam seasons and holidays, but I've had most of my students sticking to me for years & recommending new students = so student flow has been steady annually. As a trader: there are some days when market fluctuates so I make less than previous month or sometimes none. Most times I do make as stated above.
@ I have covered myself with all the insurances etc ...
@ I do not own or rent a house because buying one in my country requires at 6 figures to Million. Given that my rooms are also my "office" I cannot live in a small place, due to various inventory. Due to my freelance means, in my place I cannot get a bank loan. Meaning I have to use Trading to build up cash to by my own house up.
@ Personally I am a saver and low maintainence of < $1000 / month. All extras a saved, and now partly invested. This is my lifestyle. Simple, Free and Enjoyable personally.
@ Please note that my tuitions take up half the evenings of my week, and Trading is from 10 am - 11pm. I am also been studyng deeply on markets to improve my trading ability.
The DAily stress from my parents is focussed on how I am making them suffer at work - because I am not contributing to the house. Not that they will allow me to pay my bills when I insist [roof comes down that I need to save for my future].
At the very least, I have tried showing them umpteen times that I can so nicely manage my money. For instance, March 2018. Above my Base Bank Balance, After Budgeting for April - including $600 cash for my month misc spending, I added $2400 to my bank as money. Allotted $2000 as new Bank Base : the $500 as the leisure spend. In addition from March I have a balance of $200 from march. - providing $700 surplus of free money for Coming April. To me I have sponsored myself for April with $700 cash bonus.
Unfortunately trying to explain my money management or leisure money or even how I am perfectly happy and fine with my life falls on deaf ears. They keep insisting that I am not doing work if I am not outside earning a steady salary. That money management is an excuse for being lazy.
They insist that I shattered their dreams of going to office daily for income and promotions and cars.
1) Thing is I feel happy I can work on my phone, I don't need to own a car in my country which has good transport and cars are expensive (6 figures for simple sedan), not that I need one. I rather save up for good investments in future to earn ROI from !I do rent a car every now and then just to drive around or to my work for the kicks (and that too from a pre-saved fund)
Somethings they demand and take credit for:
1) They demand giving me a monthly allowance, despite me having my own budget & savings and leisure.
2) They demand that I contribute to them: which when I do am asked to save, which they reimburse my expenditures
3) Bring up a MAJOR ARGUMENT when I tell them I don't need their help or reject their money = as USeless Ego
4) Refusing to see happy side of anything relating to me ... but demanding thanks and gratitude for their duties, accomplishments etc ... (else a slew of crititicism)
5) Demand I give the their full last drawn salary as allowance, because they don't see what they need to touch their savings in reitrement
Try to show their unhappiness
1) Controlling my clothes I wear [comments + insistence I change them to suit their tastes - since I am living with them]. Demanding that I wear shirts or tuck my clothes in even for a casual meeting or outing with Millenials => Reminders Done at the Front Door. Any talk back : they will point out the event I am going for and wish it bad luck or that I learn a lesson there.
2) Crying to all family about how distressing their life is because of me
3) Refuse to hear anything from me about ANY of my interests or opinions (on even a common news event) especially if it is to do with new age trends or in support of what I am doing.
4) They will never be alive to see my success
5) Demand that I shave simply because they don't like the 2 day stubble (given I am fair skinned) as unclean
6) Touch or Throw my personal stuff, simply because they feel its not important, but denying when questioned and throwing a fit of confrontation - in which they will agree to throwing and demand that I stop being childish and seeing it as useless as they perceive!
7) Curfew: If late at night, whether its 10 pm or later call repeatedly to demand my location and to get home ASAP. If my phone is flat or I refuse to reply : prepare to face a severe interrogation with top of the voice shouting at midnight because : wasting cab fare, might get killed on the road.
8) Upset that I won't find a woman to marry ( I mean, someone tell which is the best shop I can buy one from?). I first want to have my freedom. [At this fucking rate (7): I doubt I can even go on a first date with any woman without her walking out].
9) Demand that I need to give them their Life back for having slogged and given me a "Good LIfe" to work on the go and be "free". Refuse to understand the stresses faced by a Trader on the market.
And No: all they have is some savings for retirement, no insurance.
On my part I am stuck in 3 directions
- Directions 1: As their only Son ... I am responsible for them at least medically and in senior years. TO that end I have my contacts ready for support in future.
- Direction 2: Moving out. I am building my cash to do this. When I do my two "rooms" are to come with me. No more touching of my personal study momentos. Not something that can be done by renting another person's room.
- Direction 3: Leaving them their retirement ROI money I make for them. Completely leave their lives.
- Direction 4: I know that once I get to full investment mode I can be "high flying" in prestige. (not that I actually care about such status, just a cool thing to have with a good life)
But the Emotional Toll on all of this is overwhelming. I cannot even be happy with my simple successes in my life.
I don't understand where to start resolving the issue and what do my folks actually want?
I suggest that you prioritize your plans. You need to get your own place. ASAP. This must be your focus now.
There are some emotional ties between you and your parents that are no longer healthy. They treat you like you are 18 or younger. You are also slipping into the parental role with them.
I understand there are cultural issues here at play, but you really need to shoe yourself that you are a competent, free, and independent person.
No need to overthink this. Make it happen.
Hello KON: You asked: "what do my folks actually want?"- to relieve their anxieties, I think. Something bothers them and they react any which way, whatever feels better for them at the moment. It is not your well-being that is motivating them in their daily interactions with you, that is clear to me.
I don't think it is a matter of culture, when parents of children of any age, harm their children by reacting any which way to what distresses them at the moment. It happens everywhere, every day.