I don't know what to do anymore
I'm starting this thread because I need some advice from someone that sees my current situation from a different point of view, cause' I'm stuck. I'm 18 years old and I still have one more year of highschool and I'm just lost. Please hear me out.
So, a quick rundown of all that's happened in my life leading up to this point. After I was born, I had an accident(I was 6 months I think) and hit my head. Either the wound itself or the surgery should have killed me(I say should because those are the doctors' words), but I'm still here. My childhood was... different than I know most kids had theirs. We did alright with the money but my parents were always fighting, hating each other and if there was any rage left between them, they would throw it all on me.
My dad is a very tough person. He was raised like that. He never said "I love you", at least I don't recall. He is a very mean person, threats people badly and always tells me I'm not good enough. He had a tough childhood(his mother died when he was 5). I still think he is actually a good guy, but he's just afraid to get hurt.
Fast forward, when I was 9 they finally divorced. My mother remarried and now has a kid. My father remarried also and has a kid of his own. From the moment they got married I became an outsider. They have their own families now and I'm just not a part of them. My brother hates me because I want to spend 5 minutes a day with my mom and my dad is just overwhelmed with his business. It's not like we ever talk for real, but I wish we did.
And last year I had a surgery, where 2 metal plates were put in my jaw to keep it sturdy(because I had an accident when I was 12).It still hurts to this day and I'm counting the days until I can take them off. A couple more months.
I am also dyslexic. I've been my whole life and I went through school as everyone else. I have to admit it's hard sometimes, but I can actually function properly if I'm well rested and not stressed. People always make fun of me beacuse I've never entered their circles. I'm really not interested in people with s@@t morals and bad attitudes(close to 100% in those days). Apparently I have social anxiety, I'm depressive and mildly bipolar. At least that's what the psychologist said the last time I went. BTW, I'm never stepping foot into one of their offices. They tried to put me on meds and that's a big no no.
Whoaaa, here we go... I also smoke, too much lately. Never done drugs, never will. I have a couple of tattoos that I actually don't regret because their part of my story. I study at the best highschool in my city(worked my ass off to get there) and I have good grades. But there's times when I fall down and everything goes down the s@&tter.
Last summer I was done with my life and thought I should just leave home. That's when I met this girl. My whole life became better, I didn't give a damn about how bad it was at school or with my so-called family. I finally had a good thing. I loved her (and I still do) and I like to think she did too. I did everything I could for her, helped her with whatever she nedeed help with( Actually went to Russia with her because she had a competition there and I said F@@k yeah to -24 degrees Celsius). Treated her very well and basically put her first. I tried everything, but the main problem was her parents. They wanted her to focus on school and start studying for collage. They went as far as taking her phone so she would'nt be able to talk to me. We talked and we both agreed that there's no way for us to ever get back togheter, even tough we never fought, that's the worst part.
When I think about her I remember what I miss. The good times, the laughs, the proud moments, but most of all - talking. I've never really had anyone to talk to like that and she hadn't either. It's just that feeling that someone understands you or at least empathizes with you, or cares about you. I miss that. I actually considered her part of my family and still do. I still care about her and I want to know she's fine.
So, when we broke up, I was left with myself and only myself. That's when I took a long hard look at my life so far and I realised that the only good thing in my life was her and now that's gone, off the goddamn table. I started skipping class, not caring about anything anymore. I can't sleep mainly beacuse I can't stop my mind from going on and on about every bad thought that exists. I can't do anything, I hate home, I hate school. There's just no place where I feel "fine".
And after I met with her again just to tell each other how s@@t our lifes are, that we still love each other and watch her cry and see my mind just go properly insane, lately I started having panic attacks followed by nausea and a floating feeling. The only thing that takes me out of my mind is riding my motorcycle for hours at a time. You can't be thinking about anything else other than the next corner, especially when you're going that fast. ( Btw I'm racing in the national superbike championship next year).
So that's the only thing I have left, riding. Being close to death makes life better, at least for the moment. It's like a drug really and I'm addicted.
So I'm a mess. Don't know where to start. I have nobody to talk to, family's not an option. There's not much "family" left for me.
Don't have any motivation left for anything.
Now my question is - what's my next move? Because I can't see anything from here. Thanks in advance. Have a nice one!
you obviously need someone close to you like your ex to have a meaningful life. people are social animals and cannot live in a vacuum like you are attempting to do. it is unwise for you to avoid psychological counseling with all your personal problems to work out. you should focus on counseling and finding a strong female companion to live a normal lifestyle. you are the age where a sexual outlet is very important for your wellbeing and to enhance your will to live. i think having a new mate will turn your life around. given all your problems this will a huge challenge but worthwhile before you turn to self harm.
Hello MAGICMAN: You mentioned a fall you had when you were maybe six months old, suggesting perhaps that it explains your emotional/ mental challenges. Do you remember that fall or visits to a hospital as a result of this fall or is your knowing about it based on what your parents told you?
It is hard to imagine that a parent will make up a story, or exaggerate a story (add to it), but it happens.
Growing up in a home where "parents were always fighting, hating each other and if there was any rage left between them, they would throw it all on (you)"- this is enough to cause a child severe anxiety and lead to different mental diagnoses.
Being exposed to aggression amounts very much to physical injury- no broken bones or blood involved- but physical nonetheless.
Let me know what you think of my reply, if you would like to, and I will reply again with more thoughts.
Hi! Thanks for the reply.
I know it's true because I have a dent/hole in my head.
I probably shouldn't laugh. And yeah, I've done a couple RMI's over the last years to make sure everything is fine with that.
To add something to that parents story, my dad would sometimes beat me. I remember once he was so angry that he beat me and shouted and I just fainted because of that. I think I was like 7 or 8 at the time.
All in all, I'm trying to distance myself from him even now, because I know his other side. Nice and calm one minute, mad the next.
I wish I would get along with them, but there's this trust barrier between us.
Thanks for the replys. If you have anything else to add, please.
take up your hobby
read about love and relationships https://datingtalks.com/for-men/
try to find a friend
all will be adjusted, it is necessary only time, but alas it is not known how much
Hello again MAGICMAN:
Regarding your later post: the dent/hole in your head is evidence of maybe a fall, maybe a beating on the head. After all you wrote: "my dad would sometimes beat me. I remember once he was so angry that he beat me and shouted and I just fainted because of that. I think I was like 7 or 8"
Can that dent or hole be evidence of a beating, not a fall?
Regarding your original post, you wrote: your parents fighting with each other and then being aggressive toward you, is, as I mentioned before, damaging to a child, physically even when there is no physical beating of you.
Regarding your father being "actually a good guy" who had "a tough childhood": we all start as good children. Then rough childhood turn some of us into bad people who repeatedly, year after year, hurt others. Once that takes place, a person is no longer a good person. The good part of the person is still there, deep inside, and you can see that person at moments, here and there, in their eyes, in their pain, but they are no longer good people.
Imagine a person you read about who has done the cruelest things imaginable. That person too was good in the beginning, and that person too has that good part inside, visible at times.
I hope you recover from your jaws injury. I wonder what accident caused that.
You shared that you are dyslexic, suffer from social anxiety, depressive and mildly bipolar, so suggested by a psychologist you saw. You smoke but do not take drugs, against psychiatric drugs. You attend the best high school in your city, having worked hard to get there. And you have good grades.
After the breakup with your girlfriend you started skipping class, slept less, starting having panic attacks and you find relief only in riding your motorcycle.
You asked: "what's my next move?"
I would like your next move to be regaining the motivation you had before, the motivation that led you to attend the best school in your city and to get good grades. I would like your motivation to be keeping yourself alive, being mindful of your activities, such as riding your motorcycle, reducing your risks of injury and death.
I would like your motivation to be having a healthy, loving relationship again, even a better one than the one you had with your ex girlfriend. A healthy and loving relationship not with any of your parents, or a member of your original family, but with someone you hadn't yet met.
Look into a guy name Jordan Peterson he has changed the life of millions ,he talks a lot about changing your life, and cleaning your room(your life), and being strong and shoulder your suffering. He has a bunch of stuff on youtube he's a great teacher.