Should I live with my boyfriend while at uni? I'm at risk of losing him
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years. I have been scared to live with him while at uni and now am at risk of losing him. Please help!
Our backstory: We met, fell in love and moved in together after a year and a half. It was on one hand great to be close and spend lots of time together and on the other hand hard work. I am pretty clean while he has ADD and so we clashed massively on that part, with him feeling not enough for my standards and feeling like he had to change, while I felt frustrated about how difficult it was for him to keep things clean/turn lights off etc. I felt like I had no space for me as the flat kind of felt taken over by his chaos, and his preference to always be home - I hardly ever had time for myself. I decided to sort out one part of my life, after one and a half years of living together, and go back to uni to hopefully become a bit happier and more fulfilled, which meant we had to go long distance.
It was great for the first few months as we no longer had the pressure of living together but still all that closeness. I desperately wanted him to move down but he wasn't ready. So after a few more months, I lost all the depressed dead-end job weight I'd put on, got really into my degree and started to feel actually quite scared of going back to living together, as I was scared I would have to change back again. I wasn't sure I could focus on uni, stay healthy and live together, especially as next year it's the only year that counts towards my final grade - so I really don't want to fuck it up and I don't want to end up in a situation of blaming him for my grade, or cleaning up after him as well as myself when I have deadlines. I let him know I wasn't sure about living together at uni, which he was upset about, but I felt it better to be honest.
I've been trying to chat to him about how to fix the problems so we are both happy. We've talked about getting a two bed apartment so at least we have separate rooms, and maybe even a cleaner, to try and help. I am just worried of how expensive that will be as a uni student and perhaps it doesn't quite solve the problem but at least creates a hideout for me. I have suggested trying things to help the ADD, but he isn't interested, and I've been most keen to try relationship counselling, but he isn't keen. He tells me he wants to meet me half way but I am just so far back, and I've put up so many boundaries I've pushed him away, and now he just wants to go home to the other side of the world as nothing is keeping him here. I don't know what to do, whether I should just give him a chance and try and live with him. Or to stick with my original feeling - it gets frustrating even when he comes to visit so maybe that is an indicator it is not worth trying something that could cause me a lot of anguish and possible affect my degree.
You read like a very reasonable, logical, sensible young woman. Even your user name suggests this. My understanding is that it will be way better for you to not live with him, definitely not before you graduate. If you live with him while in university, that will burden you with such distress that it will hurt your studies, your grades, your mental and physical health and.. it will hurt the relationship.
If the relationship has a chance, I think it will be after you graduate. If he chooses to move away because you don't live together, that is his choice. If he has it in his mind that his suggestion of moving away will pressure you to live together with him, that is dishonestly manipulative, and definitely not to be accommodated.
It seems like you “bloomed” when you were apart.
Good things are happening to you and for you because you worked hard.
Can you take an honest look at this relationship and see if he’s really the one for you- and equal to you - emotionally, socially, intellectually, and would be a compatible living partner?
Just being messy probably isn’t the whole story. (You can get a hosekeeper) Don’t stay together out of pity. Be healthily-selfish right now about what you need to keep being successful. That includes who you allow to affect your wellbeing.