Facing serious marriage problems / infatuation
So I've been married for 12 years, and can't say it's been bliss. We've had our ups and downs, but for the past two years it's been a downhill spiral. Because we recently moved to the US, only I was working and she was taking care of our daughter (she works full time now). Between her meeting new friends, and me not really attending to her needs/being affectionate (honestly, between having a new job, new country, new everything, was very overwhelmed with a lot of things), she ended cheating on me (this was 3 years ago).
Leaving the marriage wasn't an option financially and emotional (having two small kids, the fallout would have been devastating). It's been very rocky ever since. So we decided to stick together and keep on chugging.
Last year she wanted a divorce. I made the effort to get therapy (audio books, forums, emails, you name it, but didn't actually seek a therapist). We truly had a moment of love and found each other again, and for a while, it was bliss. Her main complaint towards me is that I see her demands and conversations as her just nagging, as most of them sound like I'm being criticized for not doing things the way she thinks they need to be done. Today, we're back in the same scenario, although different as prior issues have been resolved (I'm more caring and affectionate). Her main complaint is still related that I see her as my worse enemy, and that I behave as a victim.
About me: Yes, I admit I can be hard headed, and many times she asked me for things that I do find bothersome.
The thing about her is when she gets agitated, she can be both violent and say very hurtful things. Today was such a day that she got mad and started to say very offensive things. It has happened many times through out our marriage.
Since last week I've been reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and have been genuinely trying to apply the learning, one of them being on not to talk when one is mad.
And now here's my other problem: I'm infatuated with my co-worker. We got assigned to the same project, and we've been working closely every day since October last year. What started as a very casual work relationship has blossomed to a true partnership. We're at the point that we can almost finish each others sentences, do make a great team as we share similar work ethics and skill set. I truly enjoy her company and always look forward to each day, as we've had moments of such laughter that they make the days seem blissful.
I'm usually the first one she reaches out to when she's either frustrated with something, or simply wants to share an insight joke (which we have many). And I've actually started to confide my issues with my wife with her as I have a hard time not expressing when I'm upset/sad, and she's come to know me that well that she can tell (and I can tell when she's sad/sick as well)
Since Feb my feelings for her started to grow, to a point that I can't stop fantasizing about her.
I'm self aware that this isn't true "love", that it's "infatuation" by definition. She has not shown signs (nor I think she will) that from her perspective our relationship is purely platonic, and nothing more than work friends. Which I truly value, as I've honestly haven't had a work friend on which I can relate so much.
As I've researched, I think I'm guilty of having an "emotional affair".
I'll appreciates anyone's questions/insight/feedback
Think about your 12 long years invested in this marriage, your kids and the way it all started. Yes it has not been easy, but u are still here. U know she got some truth in all her claims. Or else u wouldn't have been reading books to fix yourself. Maybe she kept silence all those years she didn't have a job and only depended on u and now that she has a job she can boldly tell u your faults, that's very normal.
Is like she has reawakened and no longer accept less than her expectations.
Your family has lost the trust. Maybe that's y she cheated at the first place because she thinks u probably will b doing same. And now u letting infatuation get to u because u lack the trust. Divorce is not the solution don't even go there.
Show her u want to make your marriage work. Show her your efforts. Do the things u where doing when the whole journey began.
I strongly advise you to see a professional counsellor.
**don't even make your Co-worker b aware u want her badly. It's wrong very wrong.
If things were OK with your marriage, you wouldn’t give this “work crush” a second thought. It’s perfectly normal to “click” with work partners, but you are fantasizing it into something it’s not.
Get this marriage back on track. A real, live therapist is needed to help you adjust your own mirror and the view of your relationship with your wife. Do it ASAP , if only to stop these physical and verbal attacks on you. These are unacceptable.
Good luck. These kinds of emotions are intense and exhaustive for everyone involved. You wife is not happy either.
Also - keep your work on focus. Don’t discuss your marriage with anyone except a professional.
You require self- control and self-discipline and putting respect back into the relationship.
You wrote: "when she gets agitated, she can be both violent and say very hurtful things. Today was such a day that she got mad and started to say very offensive things. It has happened many times through out our marriage."-
this aggression has to stop. It harms you. If your daughter is witnessing her aggression, or is the victim of such directly, then your daughter needs to be protected.
My suggestion is that you do whatever it takes so that your daughter lives in a safe home without verbal and/ or other aggression. This would be my first priority.