Separated wife wants to spend our anniversary with someone else
I asked my wife to please not spend our anniversary with someone else during our trial separation. We have been separated a month and have made plans for couples therapy. Our 14th anniversary is in two weeks and she wants to spend it in Vegas with someone else. I asked her would she please not go on that day and she became very angry and said no. Was I wrong to ask that of her since we are separated?
By asking and getting that answer, it revealed a lot.
She is not willing to go into “ neutral” in your relationship while you both wait for marriage counseling to begin. It sounds like she is moving on.
But that is just my opinion. What do YOU think her answer meant?
That is what I thought to. I guess I wanted to know if it was wrong to ask that of her, she thought it was. However I felt I should ask because I thought it was disrespectful she felt there was no issue to spend that day with someone else. If you don't mind could you tell me your feelings on this: One minute she says she does not know what she wants so she will do therapy but the minute I ask her any questions about the things that lead to our separation, (inappropriate texting with many men and possible hook ups), she becomes very angry and says there is nothing to talk about we are over. So if I don't acknowledge the issues we get along pretty well and she is more open to going to therapy. My question is, should I let it go and act as if nothing happened and wait for therapy, which may or may not happen, or do I deserve answers now.
I think it was right for you to ask your separated wife to not spend your anniversary date with another man. I imagine that if you did get back together and if she was committed to you, not cheating on you, it would be nice to know that at least on your anniversary she was not with another man. That could make future anniversaries more pleasant.
Regarding your question, I don't think you should act as if nothing happened. Better act as if something happened because it did. Your wife's hookups with other men, that would trouble me a whole lot, if I was in your position.
If she doesn't believe it was wrong of her to hook up with other men while married to you, how can that be fixed in therapy? People seek therapy and form the willingness to change their behavior IF they feel distressed about their behavior.
If she doesn't feel guilty or otherwise distressed about cheating on you time and time again, what will motivate her to no longer cheat on you in the future?
You had every right to ask. That doesn't mean she's obligated to respond in a way you want. You did nothing wrong in asking, but with the question, comes the possibility of getting an answer you don't like. She is moving on, while letting you think she may be open to reconciliation. When you asked her to put your relationship ahead of her plans, she showed you her priorities. She won't talk about her inappropriate behavior, because she knows it's not right until you split for sure. She's working both sides because she can.
You can hope for counseling, and even reconciliation. But my advice is that while you wait with hope, start focusing on your own life. Use your time to indulge some passions and meet new people. Get to know yourself as an individual again. Take time out for some solid self care. Just take care of yourself, and don't settle for maybes.
Do you have children together? If not, I think you should be grateful and leave her in your wake. Did you ever do anything to harm her? If not, if she has no reason to resent you and want to hurt you back, there is no excuse for her behaviour with 'other men'. She has no regard for your relationship or for you. I say let her go, let her be someone else nightmare. If she won't discuss inappropriate behaviour with you it won't be any different in counselling, it's more likely that when her actions come into question she'll refuse to carry on with counselling. You can't change people who don't care about anyone but themselves.