Stressing about a relationship
I am 24 years and I’m in this dilemma. To cut a long story short, I was in a relationship with this girl who is about 8 months older than me. We went out for two years and then she started cheating on me. She cheated on me with three other guys,one who was my friend. I always forgave her and took her back after her cats because according to her she cheated because I got violent with her. Truth is that I only was violent when she attacked me first but yes I regret being violent so I always took her back. She later broke up with me and then begged me to be friends which I agreed to do since I was madly in love with her. She and I occasionally would get intimate and whenever I tried to get her back she would reject my advances and she kept on making me know my place that we were not back together. So after a year of this I met a new girl and I started enjoying her company but this girl got mad and started acting out. She attacked me and tried attacking the girl so to make this matter short, I needed things with this new girl in order to keep her happy. I blocked this new girl from all my social media accounts and avoided meeting her. My ex brings up this issue every time even though we both know we are not going out and acts like she never did any wrong and I am tired of these things because I cannot avoid her since she lives close to me and she has attempted suicide because of this matter. I need actual help or advice.
You ended things with a new girlfriend because your ex wanted you to? And your ex attempted suicide because of all this? Sounds like the ex has some very serious mental health issues, and the best thing you could do for yourself is get her out of your life and stop feeling responsible for her. She needs to get proper professional help, and you need to move on with your life without her in it. Just from the little you're written it sound like she's manipulative, prone to histrionic behaviour, (drama queen), and self-absorbed. If you keep up the unhealthy involvement with this girl you're asking for trouble and drama, and it will never change as long as you keep on pandering to it. Shut her down and then you can both move on with your lives.
Thanks for sharing. I agree this is complicated and may take some self-analysis and objectivity while we unpack this. I also respect your willingness to ask others to help you sort this out.
Let’s begin with some qualifying questions that may help you determine your desired role in these relationships. These questions may also help you qualify your values and who and what defines you. First, what justifies unfaithfulness in a relationship? Also, what justifies violence in any relationship? And how do you even define a relationship?
I am also a little unclear as to what created the new girl’s anger, what is meant by “acting out” and what is exactly meant by attacking you.
So let me end this post as I started it. Be honest and objective about your personal standards and values. Once you answer the questions included here as well as who and what you may be willing to forgive (including yourself), I think you will better understand what to do next.
Keep in touch. I will be interested in knowing your answers and direction.
Ok sorry I realized I was a bit ambiguous and that has caused this confusion. So the new girl never got angry I meant my ex got angry because of the new girl and so I had to end things with her.i may be a bit biased but I do not think unfaithfulness can be justified and a relationship is when two people decide to be mutually and totally connoted to each other. I would be interested in any advice you give me
After a year of these antics, you found another person. But then felt you had to let this new girl go because your ex wanted you to?
And still, you and your ex have a rocky relationship?
Oh dear, very unfair. She’s running your life!
You sound like you are tired of wearing Puppet strings.
Thanks for the followup, DONPIERRE. Let's start with your definition of a relationship, and it is a good one.....When 2 people are mutually and totally connected (I think that is the word you wanted to use) to each other. I like it. However, are you? Is she mutually and totally connected to you? Unfaithfulness is a disconnect at so many different levels as you rightfully point out. Purposefully manipulating someone for their own satisfaction and gain also appears to be a disconnect in a relationship. So.....if you really want a relationship with this person, you may want to redefine want a relationship means to you for your own mental health or find a new friend.
One more thing. Remember your current definition of being MUTUALLY connected with another and remove any thought or acts of violence toward another.
Thanks, again, for sharing.
You wrote: "according to her she cheated because I got violent with her". Maybe she lied. I am thinking maybe she lied because her statement suggests that she was afraid of you, having been violent with her. But when a woman cheats on a man, that angers a man, doesn't it. If she tells him she cheated on him, that means she is not that afraid, no?
You wrote that you were violent toward her once when she attacked you. Meaning you defended yourself.
Back to her possibly lying to you. What else of what she has said to you over time may have been a lie, do you wonder? Because what matters to you, I hope, is not her version of reality, "according to her", but what is true to reality, according to you, following your observations, your evaluations.