Mental disorder, or toxic person?
So i typed this huge wall of text, over 2000 words and it looks like i made a mistake when posting and lost it all. So i'm just gonna type my key point and add context in the comments as needed.
I've had a friend who on multiple levels i just dont moral agree with, and want to know is she mentally ill, or just a genuinely toxic person. We've been friends over 12+, we share everything, and spent every waking hour together in one form or another, if not in person then literally on the phone all day. There is nothing about her that i don't know and vise versa. Now lemme explain where the issues started and keep in mind im trying to abridge +12 years and last time i did it it took me over 2000 words and hours of typing, like i said ill add more context as it's need for commenters.
1. We were friends for a year before We briefly dated, then after a little over a year i broke up with her, only because as much as i tried i didn't feel for her the way she did to me, and i let her down as easy as possible, spent hours on the phone as she cried and did everything in my power to make things better(except get back together cause i didnt want to led her on) This is when the first "suicide attempt" occurred, which i took extremely seriously at the time.
2. Since then until i ran away from my home state (being 16 and having an extremely physically/emotionally abusive mother) she claimed suicide at least 5 more times, each one i took seriously.
3. after i left, she lost her virginity, and slept with over 25 people within a year. Her number now being close to 40.
4. Every relationship that last more then 2 weeks, she was in love, and when they broke up more suicide claims happened(at least a dozen more)
5. Living with mother, and step dad. Tells me she 100% consensually slept with her step brother, months later tells me it he raped him.
5. Stole a bf from a friend of hers, then claimed he abused her and pimped her out to his friends(i talked to him, his friends, his family, and every single person i could to try to see if this was true, it wasn't)
6. after he broke up with her, she claimed to be pregnant to trap him, and when it didnt work conveniently had a miscarriage, claiming to be around 4 months along. (i have been pregnant and given birth, so im aware of how it works, and while everyone's pregnancy is different, this one was clearly a sham)Also in this time claimed suicide at least 10 more times.
7. introduced her to a friend of mine who lives in another country, they begin a long distance relationship.
8.Me and my husband(now ex) were having issues at the time a stupidly thought an open relationship would help. She comes up a few months later, and while we tried the threesome i didnt like it and left the bed, but not the room hoping they'd get the hint. They fucked almost every day for 3 1/2 weeks.
9. she leave the country to visit my friend/her bf during all this, they get engaged. Meantime, my marriage falls apart, we fight day and night, alcohol gets involved, he tells me he's in love with her, eventually the fighting ends in my head getting slammed into tables/wall, being choked and thrown.
10. I was stuck living with my ex for a few more months while i gathered money to leave, having no one to talk to because she wouldn't take any time away from talking to her new fiancé.
11. me and her fight, ending in me threatening to tell her fiancée about what really happened while she was up here and hanging up, it was an idol threat, but hours later i get a message from her fiancé telling me that she said she was raped.
12. I tried to steal her fiancée to try to make her feel how i felt, complete bitch move to pull i knowbut we never even met in person. I find out later after less then a month that he was juggling both of us, it ends, she finds out.
13.We stop talking for five years/
14. reconnect this last January, everything was great for a while, like no bad shit happened.
15. She claims to have been raped 17 times, I ask her now husband(They did get married even after everything that happened) and he tells me he has no idea what im talking about, she told him a different number.(also they still live in different countries and not together)
16. They're marriage is falling apart, she blames him solely for it, even though she never has had a job, drivers liscense, still lives with her mom, but does snap chat masterbation porn for money. (of which is not a stable, or even an income to consider living off of, she told me herself)
17. She goes to a convention with a male high school friend, asks her husband if she can sleep with him and while he doesnt want to say yes, he tells her he cant stop her. (apparently agreed on an open relationship)
18. She spends Friday to Wednesday with this guy, even though the con ended sunday, and her husband is clearly upset.
19. He tells her he wants to commit suicide(not sure if it was serious or throwing her tatics back at her) She tells him, she's refuses, and says will do it again.
20. Makes his claim about suicide, about herself, compares how he feels to how she felt when she wanted to, and all the different methods she's tried.
21. Tells him 'we have to talk, so you can understand, or figure out where we stand because youre anger will only keep hurting US.
22. The US she mentions is not her and her husband, but her and her "new" lover. Then stops talking to her husband cause she refuses to see that she is wrong and doesn't want to deal with him, even though he just said he wanted to kill himself. also changes all her account passwords.
Those are my key points.
Some other points i should mention, me and her are almost the exact same age, i am only four days older then her. Me and her husband have been friends since i was 18(he 19) so at point 18-22 i have been his support cause he is clearly not getting any from her. And I feel like i should mention that after me and him broke up, we have done nothing but be friends and if she or my current bf wanted to read any of the texts i would have nothing to worry about or hide. So far to my knowledge she has no idea that i know what happened over the weekend, so i agreed with him that i would talk to her to see if i can change her perspective, and while i do think it's probably pointless at this stage, i'm still gonna try one more time because i dont want to see my friend hurting, but also am trying to convince him to stop trying to save this sinking ship that is their marriage and find an emotionally stable girl not thousands of miles away.
Also because claims of rape are a big part of this story, i would like to mention that i take rape accusations extremely seriously, if you raped someone you're a piece of shit that should be castrated. If you claim you've been raped but havent, then you are human garbage putting an innocent persons life on the line. Being someone who had been briefly molested at a young age and physically abused by my mother for years and then briefly by my ex husband, of which she knows about, i am extremely offended on all levels when anyone decides to lie about any form of abuse.
So i guess my biggest question does she have some sort of disorder, cause the world of delusion, playing victim, and complete lack of self awareness just completely dumbfounds me. Or, is she just a toxic person who lies to garner attention? All my points i have made happened between our ages of 13 to 24
You wrote: "I want to know is she mentally ill, or just a genuinely toxic person". My answer: both. Not one or the other, but both.
There are two separate issues here, one not connected to the other: there is her being unwell and damaging to others (what you referred to as "toxic") and there is you being unwell.
Clearly, this friendship should be terminated. You need to heal from what ails you and a friendship with her is incongruent with your healing, harmful to you.
It is not about her being the bad person and you being the good person. She may very well be ...more bad than you are, way more. This is about two people hurting each other at worst, and not helping each other at best.
And so, I say: better end that friendship ASAP.
Totally agree wiyh NewLife.
Your first paragraph says it all: you have different morals than her. That’s a huge reason and justifsction to distance yourself from her.
She’s not going to like you withdrawing, so be prepared for efforts to manipulate you to downright physical confrontation. Get some support from a counselor to strengthen your resolve to set yourself FREE.