I need some advice on whether or not I can and how I should go about saving my marriage
My wife and I have been together saying and marriage for almost nine years. Over that time I haven't been the best husband or father too our children. I've been good and meet with my wife because of stress about money and other things. After the both of our second child I basically stopped showing her any romantic attention at all accept for when she was ovulating. She told me multiple times to change my ways or she was going to leave but she always backed off and I never did. Until about a month ago. One night I was told to sleep on the couch and haven't been back in bed since. About two weeks ago she tells me we are on a trial separation and she thinks she's done for good. She had no interest in counseling or anything like that. I have started therapy for my own problems. Part of her reason for not wanting to do anything is that she has a boyfriend that she's been talking to for about a month. He lives in the UK and has just gotten a one year Visa to come visit at the end of the month. Other than absolutely no romance between us our relationship hasn't really changed we are still good friends and she talks to me about everything. I know she went seeking this attention because she wasn't getting it from me. What do I do? Wait and see if this boyfriend falls through then try and pick up the pieces of her broken heart and put her back together for my self? I desperately want to save my marriage if at all possible
Isn't this question the first question you brought up in the therapy you started attending?
If so, what was your therapist's suggestion? If you would like to share about your "own problems" that you mentioned, please do and I may have some suggestions.
It is and it was an intake appointment so my therapist didn't really say much of anything she seemed concerned for my wife's safety having met this man online but that's about it. She is starting treatment for me for depression and anxiety. I am very concerned because my wife has said if this visit goes well there is NO chance of us coming back and even if it does end badly she still doesn't feel there is a chance for us because I spent so much time with my head in the sand about the trouble our marriage was in.
Hello again, Phnix5888:
You suffered from anxiety and depression before this trouble started, the separation and your wife's developing affair with another man. In that state perhaps you had your "head in the sand".
It is time to get yourself out of the sand then, to slowly open your eyes (so it is not that overwhelming) and look at your reality as it is.
Your wife is intent on meeting this man and is hoping it will work out with him. This is reality and there is nothing you can do about it, I don't think. She has given up on you. And so, it will be, as long as this man is willing and it works out between the two of you, that will be.
Prepare yourself for this very real possibility. Make a practical plan. I hope your beginning therapy is one of quality and if so, the concern on your therapist's part should be, I believe, your well being. The healthier you get, the better it will be for your children.
Make a practical plan that includes a separation and divorce, a living arrangement, financial planning and aim at healing from your pre-existing anxiety and depression. Your life and the lives of your children will be better for it.
As far as the chances of reconciliation with your wife- that may happen as a secondary benefit of your planning and healing in therapy. Aim at the primary, planning and healing.
PHNIX5888 have you told your wife that you desperately want to save your marriage? Have you told her that you'll change and you'll be that husband that you were 9 years ago and give her that romantic attention? Have you asked her to give you another chance?
Unless you truly were a horrible husband there should be absolutely no reason why she shouldn't give you another chance. Maybe you could set something up with her go out for dinner somewhere have a romantic evening. At least give it one last try.
Because right now she's seen that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Until she crosses over that fence and finds out that it's not quite so green as she thought it was.
Nine years is a long time to neglect your wife and children.
Can you think of why and how that came to be?
This is going to take time to unravel. You have sought help and want to change. Put all efforts into this.
Whether or not your marriage survives, you will be a new person. Perhaps she will see this. Ask her for time and that she not make any major decisions until you can both sit before a counselor and figure out how to repair or end the marriage.
Have you agreed to this so called trial separation?
It does matter from a legal standpoint.
From a legal standpoint or whether you've agreed or not you'll have to accept it and move on. Because you said that your wife clearly stated if this visit goes well there's no chance of ever getting back together, I know that's hard to swallow. I'm not one to scold you for being neglectful in your marriage It happens. Sometimes we get complacent and forget about our loved ones.
But you will have learned from all this and when you become that better person someday she'll look back and regret that she didn't give you that chance. But possibly that someday maybe too late as you may have remarried to someone who's made you very happy.
Unfortunately the ones who get hard hit by this are the kids