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Relationship advice Been married 22 years together 26. Got 3 children all at uni. Found husband had been looking at porn years ago I was hurt, angry and felt I wasn't good enough for him so I cheated to get the attention he gave to the porn. Told him to never look at it again and that it hurt me and I didn't feel good enough, he said he would then I found he had more if it and even videos which killed me. He lied to me and didn't care what it done to me only thinking of himself. Now all these years later I found he as been looking again at two women together. I was checking his bank account and just thought I would take a nose through his recycle bin that's where I found the video of the women. It shocked me and I didn't think I would find it again after so long but there you go I did. He said he didn't do it to hurt me but it was just a sign of weakness and he would never look at it again just like he said years ago, what a liar. He said he looked twice at it so he mastubated over these women twice and done it when I was out he said, it sickens me. So I am on date sites and even a site to have affairs with married men. My Confidence is at rock bottom and every time I go out I think he's looking at porn again and know I will not stop being on these date sites because he won't stop looking at porn no matter what he says. I like the attention men give me even though they are only after one thing but if my husband is giving it to other women then why shouldn't I get it too from other men. My anxiety and depression what he as caused is driving me mad and I can't carry on like this forever. I can't move out as I have no where and no one ever to stay with if I did I would of left years ago. What can I do. I should mention he as had his prostrate taken out so sex is is not what it was and never will be again. I told him another woman might leave since he can't perform properly but hey I'm here like a fool I am what he's done to me.

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Please remember:
1. The porn women are not real. So he is going to a fantasy world. Some wives find that this kind of visual stimulation actually spices up their marriage sex life. Others just laugh at it all that their man sneaks a look or two on the side of this fantasy workd. They don’t take it personally or regard it as “ cheating.”

2. Your affairs do nothing to solve the issue of your feelings of lack of attention from your husband. Have you told him what you need?

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How long has it been since he's had his prostate removed?

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18 months

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Due to cancer I'm guessing, my father had his prostate removed not a very pleasant thing. I'm really surprised that your husband has any sex drive at all.

My father died because the cancer spread even though they took his prostate out

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Does your husband know about your cheating?

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Let me rephrase that..
Does he know about your going to these dating sites?

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I'll cut right to the chase. Men are more prone to out-of-control sexual behavior or ocsb. As Susie mentioned above a lot of women just laugh it off when their husbands or boyfriends look at porn it doesn't bother them.

But some women like you take it personal and that's understandable. If you feel as though your husband has an addiction to porn there is help. The Society for the advancement of sexual health or SASH.

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Yes he's knows I've been on them

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Hello Horra:

You indicated the problem to be that your husband has been watching porn, that he lied to you about it, and that it makes you feel terrible. The solution you chose was to have sex with another man and later to go on dating sites. But this solution doesn't seem to work for you, in other words, it doesn't solve the problem.

I figure your solution is not solving a problem because you wrote: "My anxiety and depression what he as caused is driving me mad and I can't carry on like this forever". If the solution you chose worked for you, it would not be a problem to "carry on like this forever".

Maybe there is another solution, a better solution, one that will work for you.

anita

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A message came up on his phone to say he had 4 blocks on his phone from Google. He said he was blocking football, and the weather from showing all the time. I don't know what the other two were. Is he lying and is he blocking something else like a message from a woman or a date site or something. He denied he is hiding anything

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That was going to be my next question. Is he possibly getting texts from other women? In which case this would be a different story.

But then how long have you been going to these dating sites?

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If you don't mind my asking

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I don't know or email messages maybe. I have been in them awhile

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So far you've said that you and your husband have been married for 22 years together for 26.
Sometime early on in your marriage you caught him looking at porn it hurt your feelings and made you feel insignificant,hurt and angry.

You cheated because you felt it would balance out the attention that he was giving to the porn. Years later you find out that your husband is continuing to look at porn. So you go to dating sites for married men to have affairs. You say that your husband knows about this. It sounds to me like he doesn't have a problem with it,am I right?

Unless your husband is interacting with pornstars on a live video chat he's not cheating. Basically the man's sex life has been cut in half by having his prostate removed. Unless I'm wrong you're probably the only person he's ever had sex with for the past 22 years. I don't know how close you and your husband are or if you still love each other.

I strongly suggest you visit this website https://www.sash.net








:-D

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You have been married for 26 years with 3 children and a history together. I'm guessing your children have moved on? This is an awesome time to take a long week-end and enjoy each other.


I do understand your frustration. Now days, all you have to do is turn on your computer or phone and the

temptation of porn is "In your face" and men have used this 'quick fix' as option not to bother their wives.

And then when they do get together with their wives, the wives feel like a cheap play toy, instead of feeling loved and cared about in an intimate relationship.

Porn has destroyed many marriages. Are you willing to give up on yours?

You two need a marriage counselor. I will send you a couple links below.

Two wrongs won't fix your marriage.

If your husband had a heart attack, or was addicted to drugs, I would assume you'd get him help or nurse him back to a healthy lifestyle. Your husband is addicted to porn. He needs your help.

As men grow older they can lose their ability to perform and they are concerned they will lose this part of their manhood. They need their wives tender loving care to stay intimate and not be put down or embarrassed if they are have trouble making love.

You also need love, but maybe in a different way? (link below) Hopefully, you can find a way to help each other out, and stop looking elsewhere?

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage

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HORRA
Best wishes and happy mother's day.
Hopefully you and your husband have come to some resolve.

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This is Horra. I was saying to him tonight that maybe later on we can have sex if he can come again after doing it already today with another woman. this was a joke and i say jokes like this nearly every day. he always replies, whatever. I didnt expect the reply i got which was he had already done it today. i asked him why would he say such a thing when he knows i take cheating seriously and because i take things to heart. its bad enough finding out he was looking at porn behind my back but the thought that he might of cheated on me. he said he was busy putting pictures on my phone that he didnt realise what he had said. he was doing this because i asked him to but do you think is reply is genuine or not. could he have been telling the truth but because i blew my top he lied by saying he didn't realise what he had said. he said he as never cheated, i said by looking at porn he as. as he cheated now to get me back because i have cheated on him. he can't get a hard on unless he uses a pump so i do wonder how he could have sex but there is always oral sex.

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Horra again. we have been to marriage counselling and he told them he as never cheated. the counsellor said i have to stop thinking he is and everytime i do put it out of my mind. she said i am pushing him away and its my anxiety. but now im wondering if he lied to her.now hes slamming doors in the house and all worked up because he as realise what he as said.

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HORRA I'm back with you...
Something about your husband putting pics on your phone. Not quite sure what that's all about I can only guess.

Did he (your husband) tell the marriage counselor that he was looking at porn?

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no he didn't tell the counsellor he was looking at porn. it was me who told her and it was always me who started the conversation when we got there because he would sit there and not say a word like butter wouldn't melt. he told her he only wants me and wants to work at it and go forward yet he said this tonight. makes you wonder what is the truth anymore. he was putting pictures on my phone because i told him to. they were of him and our kids and i had deleted him out of them a while back because of the hatred i have for him. if i had known what he was going to say tonight i wouldn't of bothered. what hurts me is that i asked him did he feel guilty after looking at the porn, he said he did. but he looked at it twice he told me so he didn't feel guilty at all if he had he wouldn't of looked twice at it. hes just one big fat liar and im glad he got his prostrate ripped out of him. i told him if he cheating what goes around comes around and it will come out eventually. i have asked so many times to get divorced but he wont. it will cost me £500 to start the application if i divorce him. if i had the money now by god i would do it. he told me the other day how ugly he is and i looked at him and thought, yeah your so right you are. i was even thinking he would have to pay women (prostitutes) to go with him and since he cant get a hard on without a device who would want him unless they are blind and desperate. you know what the worst thing is, is always thinking what is the truth is anymore. the marriage as just been toxic and i wished i never of met him and wished i had never married him that was the biggest mistake of my life and now i live to regret it. even our daughter said years ago to get divorced. she saw us fighting and even the police were called out. she must see this is all so false and that we are unhappy together yet put on a pretence to the world that we are .

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Horra again. he even said a few weeks back if he wanted to cheat he couldn't. do you think he means he would if he could.

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me again. just wanted to add he as been going out early in the morning for the past two weeks. last week it was two days in a row and now two days in a row this week. he as come home and been all over me sometimes and i have wondered is it because he is feeling guilty, even the way he looks at me. i got a text off him when he was out early in the morning and i accused him of leaving early to cheat and he said he only wants me to be with me and me only and he loves me. trouble is are these words of a liar because i don't know what to believe anymore and what the truth is.

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I'm trying to visualize this whole situation. I guess I'm just not seeing the big picture.

Is the hatred because of him looking at porn? If there was domestic violence involved years ago I think there's more to this than just porn. I'm really trying to understand what's going on here HORRA. You said during the counseling session he stated that he only wants you and he wants to move forward.

You make it sound like he physically cheated as in having sex with other women did he? Not just the porn now.

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There's been domestic violence in the past. He as strangled me, pushed me against a draw, pushed my head down against the gear stick in a car. The hatred is for all the years of mental abuse and yes for the porn and lies he as fed me over the years. I'm convinced he as had sex with other women and saying that he had already had sex the other day, why say such a thing to anyone. Years ago he got a text from a woman saying she was back off holiday, he denied he knew her. So is that not cheating.

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Okay yes now we have some more clarity here learning some new things. I didn't realize the magnitude or extent of the domestic violence, strangling and whatnot.

Is there still violence in the relationship or has that stopped? Right now if there's tension and anxiety between you two you should separate.

Do you have anyone you can stay with possibly a close family member?

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The violence as stopped and I have no one whatsoever if I did I would be long gone.

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HORRA here. I have been sobbing my eyes out because I wished I never of met him never mind married him. I was so young and naive and I look back and see he as been the biggest mistake of my life. It would be so easy if we had never got married and there were no kids involved. To not be connected to him in anyway. I even wish the kids had a different dad then him what a fool I've been. What a complete utter fool

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HORRA don't beat yourself up about this we all make mistakes. I know you're reluctant to do so but maybe you could talk to your marriage counselor explain how you feel about this and ask if there's some sort of temporary Sanctuary for you.

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Horra here. yes i have been thinking of going back to see the marriage counsellor to get this all of my chest and how it as made me feel. do you think Scopes that he was lying to me and might of cheated on me, you haven't really said. ages ago he once said, if he had a few drinks down him he would be anybodies. so this is the man who says he only wants me, and nobody else yet says that to my face. see how i feel about not trusting him and the lies he says. he as read my posts and wants me to say about the violence. he said he didn't strangle me he just put his hand around my neck, to me this is just the same and to also say that i hit him and left him with scratches on his face and neck that he had to lie to work colleagues that he was in the garden and there were sharp twigs etc around and he got caught up in them. this was my anger towards him and i lashed out which i know i shouldn't have but like i said all the stuff he as put me through i'm surprised i'm still here all these years later still going through s..t with him. you would think at my age 47 and him 51 we had grown up. all i ever wanted was to meet a nice guy settle down like my family did and enjoy life but hey i realise my life was not meant to be like that and i'm here to struggle and never be happy deep down. why me, why.

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yes i have been thinking of going back to see the marriage counsellor to get this all of my chest and how it as made me feel. do you think Scopes that he was lying to me and might of cheated on me, you haven't really said. ages ago he once said, if he had a few drinks down him he would be anybodies. so this is the man who says he only wants me, and nobody else yet says that to my face. see how i feel about not trusting him and the lies he says. he as read my posts and wants me to say about the violence. he said he didn't strangle me he just put his hand around my neck, to me this is just the same and to also say that i hit him and left him with scratches on his face and neck that he had to lie to work colleagues that he was in the garden and there were sharp twigs etc around and he got caught up in them. this was my anger towards him and i lashed out which i know i shouldn't have but like i said all the stuff he as put me through i'm surprised i'm still here all these years later still going through s..t with him. you would think at my age 47 and him 51 we had grown up. all i ever wanted was to meet a nice guy settle down like my family did and enjoy life but hey i realise my life was not meant to be like that and i'm here to struggle and never be happy deep down. why me, why.

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HORRA we would be opening up an entirely new subject here. Is it possible that he cheated on you? Possibly, there's a multitude of scenarios on how to detect a cheater.

Distancing themselves from you not being close anymore. On the phone texting a lot. Getting defensive and angry when asking them who they're texting. They're away from home more than they're at home.

There's more

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I don't see the problem. Most men watch porn. Just give him a night he sees in his porn. And I'm sure he won't want to watch anymore.

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Hello again, Horra:

You wrote about your husband: "he's one big fat liar and I'm glad he got his prostate ripped out of him... he can't get a hard on without a device who would want him unless they are blind and desperate... I wished I never of met him... the biggest mistake of my life... even our daughter said years ago to get divorced"

You don't only feel hate for this man, you also told him these things. Your hatred and cruelty to this man is immense. It is a bad idea to live with a man you hate so much.


Way, way too late for marriage counseling. This is what I recommend: serious individual counseling for you and physically separating from this man as soon as possible. I wish you well.


anita

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Steven in reply to your answer no i wont give him a night to see his porn, dont you realise what it does to women like me and not respecting my wishes to stop and not look at it. what it does to my confidence and how i feel as a woman, i guess men dont and dont care anyway just so they can get there satisfaction. its bad enough finding out when he as looked at it never mind giving him the go ahead all the time to watch it when he as a real woman in front of him. Newlife yes i have alot of hatred for him because of all the things that he as done over the years, things he as said and done. i have asked him for a separation as i cannot go on like this. we were getting on ok last week then i just said to him, we can have sex tonight if you havent already done it today. he replied he alreday had. he was putting pictures on my phone and he said he wasnt thinking what he was saying and said what he meant to say was, yes the first time with you today. to me this sounds like a lie. he couldnt of been that lost in thought that he didnt know what he was saying. then the other day i was checking his phone. i found facebook on the bookmarks page. he said he doesnt know why its there and that he isnt on it, he is not interested in looking for someone from his past and is not up to anything. so why was it there. there were other things like, ebay, the bbc, wikipedia too. i looked it up and it said its when you bookmark a page so you can get to it quicker. is he lying and was he really on facebook.

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HORRA here. I forgot to add there was also in the bookmarks a message from Twitter to say share a link on twitter. So what does this mean too

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Hello Horra:

I happen to share your feelings about porn. I wish porn didn't exist, if I could make it so, there wouldn't be such an industry at all. But this is not relevant to this following point (a repeat of the point I already made): when there is so much hate, better not live with the object of one's hate. Better separate for good. It is so unhealthy, for you, for him, for your adult children witnessing such hate.

anita

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Ok anita I hear you. So any answer to the Facebook or twitter I asked about or if you think he's cheating

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Hello Horra:

I don't do Facebook or Twitter, don't practice bookmarks, so I don't know much about those. It doesn't read to me like you have any evidence of him cheating, that is, watching porn.

Not trusting him is deep. He may have earned your distrust. But I don't know what evidence you do have for him cheating or otherwise betraying you, that is, what you mean by "all the things that he as done over the years, things he as said and done".

Can you give me two of the worst things you are referring to, that he has said and done to you?

anita

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Years ago I found he had been on dating sites and had a text from a woman on his phone. I found he had contacted a site in a magazine for women and it was the night before we were due to go on holiday. I was so shocked and hurt. He as said unfortunately he had a picture of me in his wallet, have I thought of becoming a mail order bride. Have I talked to the wall yet when I was on antidepressants and said little brain. All mental abuse. I told him what we had as gone and just holding on because when he isn't happy like me. I told him I find him boring and he only wanted a prostitute in the bedroom not a real woman and I was never enough for him. What's so sad is that he said when we get to 10 years of marriage it would be nice to renew our vows. That was 12 years ago. That's how bad things have got. I do feel it when I see and hear other couples and they look happy. I've forgot what it's like to be happy.

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When he looked at porn he killed all the trust now there's none left whatsoever and its all because of him what he caused. He didn't learn from the first time he done it and not even the second time because he didn't care one bit or respect me enough to not do it.

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He's a cheat. Who would say to you they had sex with someone else that day like he said to me a week ago. He's dead to me now dead and what goes around comes around. I'm getting him out of my life he's a waste of space, a liar and at the end of the day he knows it. I could never ever be happy with again ever.

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Every guy on the planet looks at porn. The ones who don't are lying or cover it well. It's not a big deal, it's not a reflection of you...you should not take it personally. Both men and women fantasize..

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Hello again, Horra:

You found out then that he was on a dating site, while you were married, before going on a holiday together. Of course, this is a very hurtful behavior on his part. It is very disturbing for a wife (or a husband) to find out that their spouse is engaged in a dating site.

Reading your writings, it is clear to me how very, very distressed and disturbed you are in the context of this marriage. The intensity of your distress is extreme. I think it is necessary that you do indeed separate from him as soon as possible, and that you individually attend psychotherapy or attend some kind of support group so to recover some sense of a peace of mind, some calm.

anita

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