Feeling uneasy recently about how me and my gf came to start dating
(This got a little long, apologies. But i'd appreciate advice if you have time to read!)
Me and my girlfriend met just over a year ago through a website that connects people studying each others languages, and we spoke on there for couple of months before deciding to meet in person. We had already gotten to the point where we were speaking quite a lot, so it wasn't a surprise when we hit it off pretty soon after meeting and starting dating. That was about 11 months ago now. My girlfriend likes to say it was 'destiny' that we were paired by chance amongst thousands of people, considering how seemingly well matched and perfect our relationship is now.
Since then it's been great. I'm in my mid/late 20's (she's in her early-30's), and none of my previous relationships even come close to the feelings I have now for my girlfriend. And i'm confident that she feels the same. We just click, rarely argue, always have fun together whatever we're doing, and speak on the phone everyday without fail whenever we're apart. In short, she's awesome and I think we're both very happy. We've discussed both marriage and moving in together.
Although, recently, we happened to get talking about the app that we met on. If we'd ever met anybody else through it, etc. I was open with her, I didn't really have anything worth hiding. But she was acting a little strange, like she didn't want to tell me everything. After a bit of egging on (i'm not the kind of person that cares about whats happened in the past, part of me just wanted her to be honest with me), I found out that she'd spoken to multiple guys who she'd told that she 'liked'. She also said that she had phone sex with one of them (we did that a couple of times before we met). So not at all different to what happened with us. She never met the other guys, which I do believe, the nature of the app means that 90% of the time the two people talking are in different countries. It was chance really that I happened to be moving close to where she lived not long after we started speaking. She told me it wasn't serious with the others since she knew they would never meet and she was just messing around as she'd been out of a relationship for 5 years.
But I've started feeling a little strange about it. Like I said, she likes to call it 'destiny'. But now it just seems like she was talking to a handful of foreign guys (or many, I don't know), and telling them that she liked them, opening up the possibility of a romance if they ever were to meet in the future, but I just happened to be the most convenient since a couple of months after we started talking I was moving to her country and city. Feels more like I was headhunted than it does destiny. It just doesn't feel genuine some how. When she says that she was just messing around by having little online relationships, surely I was also one of those guys?
Is my uneasiness justified, or is this my problem alone that I need to forget about? To be fair to her, she deleted all of her accounts on the website any anything similar almost immediately after we started dating, and severed all contact with any guys she used to speak to including guys who were just friends, despite me saying that it wasn't necessary. I've never had any reason to doubt her honesty since we've been dating. I love this girl to bits and everything that both me and her are currently doing (our work, studies, etc.) is with our future in mind, us living together (in a foreign country for me), marriage, etc. So I don't feel comfortable at all feeling this doubt towards her. Especially as it's not like things can be changed now. Any advice on how I should move past it? And should it involve speaking with her? Or would I risk creating even worse problems?
Unless you can get over her past relationships with other men, (whether it was in person, on line, or over the phone) don't continue on with this relationship.
it is always bad news to delve into a lovers past and should be of no concern to you. she has every right to flirt and lead on as many guys as she desires until committing to a monogamous relationship with you. you are probably right she told them the same things as you especially the one she phone sexed. any discussion you have with her will bare no positive outcome and may alienate her feelings for you. her past should have no bearing on your relationship with her. everyone has a past and she seemed very open with you about her past (only she knows if it was truthful). if it was me i would have refused any comments on other romantic relationships.
No, I don't think you should speak about this to your girlfriend anymore. She is not a criminal, did nothing wrong as I see it, so interrogating her is not just, not right.
I agree with you that the two of you were not destiny, predetermined to meet by some kind of a higher power. I don't believe in destiny. Lots about your meeting was random, a matter of statistical chances and some connection you made that motivated her and you to keep communicating.
She told you it was destiny. I suppose you thought destiny means that she would have had no interests in other guys and definitely no phone sex with anyone but you. But maybe that is not what she meant by the word destiny. You can check it out with her, ask her what she meant by the word destiny.
Believing what you believe destiny to mean, you may think she lied to you. Depending on what she meant, she may not have lied to you. Maybe she wanted you to feel good by saying that because she honestly wants you to feel good. But notice this, no one is perfectly honest all the time. You told her that it was not necessary that she deletes all her accounts on the website etc., but I think it was necessary. I think you were not perfectly honest with her when you told her it wasn't necessary.
No one is perfectly honest all the time, no one is perfectly exact all the time. Better not expect what is unrealistic to expect, from others and from ourselves.
You pretty much told me exactly what I needed to hear, and what I probably already knew before my worries took over.
Of course her past is nothing to do with me, and I am not the kind of person that would ever hold it against her. I think anybody that is will struggle with relationships for life. Talking about stuff like that will never make a relationship stronger.
We did speak briefly about the time around when we first met, and how our feelings for each other developed and became serious over time, just in an attempt to forget about the things I was thinking about. Things are good now, possibly better, as it's not something we'd ever spoken about in detail. As I had presumed, having gone through a messy break-up 5 years previously and this being her first relationship since, she had fears and trust issues to begin with, but they soon disappeared as we spent time together and I proved that I genuinely cared about her.
Like I said in my original post, we have a great relationship, so i'm not going to threaten that in any way by bringing up stupid, irrelevant thoughts with her.
Hello again, Quizote:
Your post is exciting for me to read, your enthusiasm about this potential long term, maybe lifetime loving relationship. I hope it is.
No one is perfect and no one's past is perfect. The future will not be perfect, but as long as your basic values match, as long as the two of you are worthy of each other's trust, as long as the communication is effective(not including "bringing up stupid, irrelevant thoughts with her"
, then it is a wonderful thing.