Weak man, uncomfortable and awkward, is this normal or fixable? Help!!!!!
I’m sick of my boyfriend acting like he doesn’t know what to do or how to be in a relationship! I’m 30, he’s 40, and I have always dated older guys because I prefer an extremely traditional relationship. I function better and am a better person when I’m the follower in this male female relationship. Aka I do NOT want to be the dominant one!!! At all.
Plus I like relying on the knowledge and older person provides in a relationship. I like to be the cleaning/cooking type, and want him to be the typical strong man/take out the trash only type. But he never takes the initiative to start anything as far as giving me a kiss, holding my hand, etc. I got home the other day after a 10 hour day, and we did an awkward “dance” just trying to walk through a hallway when he was deciding whether to kiss me or not. I finally just hopped up and kissed him (a peck as usual, the only kinds of kisses we ever have) just to end the awkwardness. We’ve lived together for 3 years! And we’re friends/dating for 5 years before that, it’s not like we don’t know each other and it’s not a “new” relationship. Why is this still so awkward? We also are only intimate about once every month on average because it’s just so uncomfortable and awkward. The rare times he tries to initiate sex it’s always at the wrong time or extremely awkward and uncomfortable feeling so we only do it when I initiate it, which as a woman isn’t too often! I’ve been married before, and been in “live together” relationships before and have never had this issue with anyone I’ve dated. My previous relationships consisted of kissing/sex/ect. many times a week but usually more. Shouldn’t he just kiss me when he wants to and not have to think it over? why is he so awkward and uncomfortable in life in general? And how do I get him to “step up as a man” without saying those mean words? We’re headed towards marriage and I feel like I should break up with him because I just can’t live like this!!! . Fml...
A friend of mine broke up with her BF because he was not “teachable” He just didn’t get it and at age 60, she didn’t want to waste any more time.
You say you don’t want to be the director of this relationship, but I don’t see how you are going to get him to step up. Your BF is not a mind reader. Plus he seems to be socially awkward ( from your description) - so have you ever tried just telling him what you want? I. E. “I’d like to have a romantic evening tonight. What can we do to make that happen?” “When I come in the door, I’d like a big kiss from you.”
Try directing him a little more. If he still can’t “get it” then move on.
You don’t mention his other qualities, but Don’t marry this guy if he’s not there for you emotionally and physically.
You asked: "why is he so awkward and uncomfortable in life in general? And how do I get him to “step up as a man” without saying those mean words"-
reads to me that the answer is that he is so awkward because he is anxious, fearful, that is, in the context of the relationship with you and in life in general. Men are no less prone to be anxious than woman. The added pressure in the social expectation that a man is to feel and act confident, unafraid, makes anxiety worse for men.
Fear is a very powerful emotion. If you told him to step up as a man, that will hurt and scare him further. If you choose to stay in the relationship with him, your best bet is to provide a safe home for him. Safety is what he needs, safety from any aggression such as arguing, fighting, silent treatments, criticizing, overt, covert, any of it. Instead, be assertive. Never aggressive with him.
While I understand that you have your expectations and needs in the relationship, it is important to realize that he may not fit those needs. You can be honest with him and tell him what you are wanting. Perhaps given some more explicit instruction he will know what is expected of him and act accordingly. Yet his shyness and awkwardness may very well just be a part of who is is. Trying to change that or "fix" him in order to fit your idea of what a man should be would be doing a disservice to him. So give him some direction, and if he cannot follow it or does not feel comfortable doing so, then do not push it. And remember to consider that he might not be what you really want or need.