Am I wasting my time?
My prior bf had all types of financial issues and it made our relationship tortuous so reluctantly I broke up with him, even though we really did love each other and he treated me well (when he wasn't lying about his finances and poor financial decisions); and he wanted to marry me and we had a great sex life.
After our breakup I met another man who is a really good guy; he has his own medical practice and he is 67 y/o (I'm 60 y/o). He was divorced almost 10 years ago and his ex has been remarried for several years.
He treats me with respect and my adult kids as well, who really like him. We've been dating over a year and it hasn't been easy sometimes since he lives 90 minutes away and he works 5 1/2 days/week and I work 5 days/week. Essentially, the "weekend" with him doesn't start until mid-afternoon on Saturday (he doesn't end work until noon and then sees his elderly mom on the way to me) and ends by 8 pm Sunday (b/c he doesn't want to fight the traffic early on Monday). He has told me in the past he loves me and promised many things (going away for weekends together which I live for in light of my stressful job, meeting his friends, etc.), but not much has materialized. The only times we've gone away is when I've taken him to my family events (which I've paid for in terms of hotel) and 1 night in Florida to see his son in a graduate school program. To date, no getaway weekends other than the above and I've never met any of his friends or any family beyond his 2 kids, his sister (for a brief time) and his mother (once). He has met all of my friends and continues to do so.
I also took him with my family on an Alaskan cruise (at my sole expense) but he did pay for some dinners and his flight.
As a medical professional and with his kids all grown and independent, money does not appear to be an issue at all with him.
Not to sound bad, but when I first met him, he bought me some costume jewelry and on occasion would send flowers but I've got nothing since last year (even though I've spent a good amount on our trips for him and I've hinted I could use a piece of lingerie, etc.). I'm in no better financial position than him. I cook and bake for him and even drove 4 hours round trip to bring him baked cookies when he didn't feel well enough to see me. I only stayed for 2 hours since he looked like he wasn't in the mood for company.
I've noticed that he does't say things to me that he used to like "let's get together for dinner one night this week so we don't have to wait until next weekend" and his hugs in sometimes in short supply (we used to hang out in bed on Sunday morning and that doesn't happen as much anymore).
I started discussing living together about 6 months ago and he only seemed somewhat interested. So I said his response was disappointing in light of him telling me he always wanted to see me. He said he does want to live together but he has difficulty with change (who doesn't???). I should mention that I went through some real depression in January (anniversary of my late husband death 6 yrs ago) and I told him I needed to be alone on 2 weekends. He said if we live together and that happens again, where is he to go? I'm in a better place now and I wouldn't be advocating living together if I felt I wasn't ready.
Before talking to him about living together, I had done a lot of research in terms of where it would be workable for us to live and work at our different locations, etc. I've started to get my (large) home ready for sale and he is fully aware of it (and has even helped to some degree). But I don't see him doing anything; except his daughter is moving to her own place this month and he is moving her. We haven't discussed when or where we would live, nor has he even mentioned living together.
The "kicker" was yesterday when we were discussing our homes and he said he wants to get his attic cleaned up "but he is in no hurry". Really??? I've been running around with painters, house stagers, realtors, etc. and that's what he says? I'm extremely hurt.
I get the feeling he is having cold feet (he had a rather nasty divorce) or perhaps he just isn't interested in me that much anymore. I also know he wouldn't get married again but that is something that I would like with the right person.
Please share your thoughts and I appreciate it!
you are obviously do all the planning and work as well as finances. he is passively floating along let you shoulder all the responsibility and activities. i would suggest you tell him you will establish a time away from him until he wants to participate actively in the relationship and your desired changes. so you can look into potential separate courses of action and perhaps a more interested partner to meet your desires. he will either agree or become more actively involved in planning for your future together. your current tactics are too one sided to continue your current relationship. i believe you can find a more compatible person to share your future with.
He does not seem to be on the same wave length as you are. Have you mis-read the arrangement? He is immersed in his work, has an elderly mother, plus adult children and he’s seems settled into his life. You, on the other hand, seem to have made assumptions about the future, while he’s got a “huh?” outlook.
Put everything on hold, especially selling your house. This guy needs to let you know what the future holds for you two, if anything. He seens to be satisfied with the arm’s length distance between you two.