Hello, I'm Cae from Egypt. I'm 16 years old. Let me talk a bit about myself and to give you more of an idea at the problem I'm having. Ever since I was a young child (around at 5 years old), I always have a thought that I wasn't a boy. It would come up to me in my dreams and I would love it. As if, my life would be thrice as better if I was born as a girl. I would see girls in dresses, playing with dolls and just being themselves and it would absolutely destroy me. As I so wish to be in the gender they're in. The feelings of it kept going and growing, it had mad things worsen so much more. I kept to myself for quite sometime until I was 11 years old. (I'll talk about that on-wards)
I have a young brother, 5 years younger than me. He's those kind of guys who are into Jake Paul and all of that cringy jazz, spends his time playing games and nothing really beneficial out of it. My mother who is caring and lovely and my abusive father. My father is the kind of open-minded guy, as long as whatever the hell you're doing isn't harming him you can do whatever you want. He reads a lot and infact, he has made his own book. (political one) He would beat me up for not doing my chores when I was around 8 years old which would so hurt me (mostly emotionally). We were EXTREMELY close but all of what he had done has made me dislike and hate him.
Anyways, back to that gender topic. As as I was growing up, I was never treated softly and all nice. It was harsh and rough. It got me so depressed, so empty, energy-less, just the feeling of helplessness. I've always dreamed of being a girl, it was one of my main goals in life. It got to a point where it was so serious I had to check a therapist. Let me tell you that I wasn't setup for this. My dad told me at that time that I was going to make a brain scan just as a normal checkup which I did do and somehow, he knew that I wanted to become a girl. I have ABSOLUTELY no idea on how he had got that. It was maybe a diary paper that I've hidden or maybe it was my PC because it contains all of that information. (this, as an example) When I first entered the room, I was really nervous and anxious. He kept talking to me about my life, asking me questions and then suddenly he asked, "Have you ever had a wish of becoming a girl?", when I heard that my heart sank down and my guts crumbled onto themselves. I was scared shitless, I was trying my best to hide this fact because Egypt is a really ignorant country. They can kill you here for being transgender or identifying anything other than your actual born gender or even sexuality, a country that pushes their beliefs (aka Islam) way too far. I kept denying his questions when it came to this topic and I said I never have/had wished to be a girl.
Turns out that I had been diagnosed with severe depression which I didn't even know about. I found out accidentally since my dad forgot the scans and the results on the desk. I remember, it never made me sad because I knew it was going to come either ways.
Fast forward a couple of years:
I identify as a female but I haven't transitioned as I dropped fate in ever becoming a female. The 2 things that every girl goes through in her life are periods and pregnancy which biologically can't happen. I see girls calling themselves ugly and all of that jazz and I would just wish to be in her gender for a second even if I am the ugliest girl in the world. She has what I've always wanted, she has a life that I wanted but unfortunately, they don't appreciate it.
I'm in love with a beautiful girl who doesn't know that I had wishes of ever becoming a girl but she does know about my depression, she knows a few reasons of why it is there and how it was caused. She loves me so much, she's always there for me, she always cheers me up and she's the only reason why I am alive now.
Now, I'm considered a popular guy in school yet I barely talk with anyone after school. In school, I talk to anyone and I go crazy and do whatever I want since that school is way better than home to me. (Fights and annoying family) I know pretty much the entire school but yet I rarely get a message from any of my friends. It's just a solid 2 that are sticking out with me which are my girlfriend (we're lovers, didn't take the "boyfriend-girlfriend" move yet) and my bestfriend. They're the ones who talk to me like they care, the others. I just don't know, they seem to hate me. Just like anyone, we all like seeing notifications when we open our mobile phones but I never get those. Sometimes, they act so rude/mean or just that they legit have a problem towards me. I was never really a person who likes problems at all. People never show appreciation of what I've done and keep doing to them, they never ask on me. It's like I'm dead after school. When we're at school tho, we talk normally and sometimes they seem to be cold and trying to end the conversation as soon as possible. They sometimes even exclude me immediately, they don't ask on my opinion or what I think at all. It's not just a person or two, it's pretty much my entire class (except my bestie) and the other class. Girlfriends (friends who are girls) don't do that sort of behavior. Infact, it's the opposite. In school, we talk and shit but yea it's not like they "admire" me even as a brother, friend or anything. A meaningless conversation. I'm usually called "annoying", "cold" and so many other things but these are what I've been told by my family, a lot of friends, teachers and even my girlfriend.
I don't know how to smile to people, I don't know how to show them I'm not sad. A lot of people are telling me that I seem sad and that I never smile but they don't know that it's totally out of my control. Just like everyone else, I just want to be loved by my friends.
What shall I do here?
(I'm sorry for jumping all over and going back and forth, haven't really written one of these in a long time + no sleep lol)
When you were diagnosed with depression, were you put on medication? How about continued therapy?
It might be a good idea to start again with a good physical and then a psychological, now that you are more verbal and can articulate your feelings.
You have not said you feel as though you are gay, only that you see females having a better, softer, stress-free, nurturing life. That seems to be what you seek.
Yes, I forgot to mention. I was put on anti-depressants, Cymbalta. I went on therapy for about 8 weeks and then my dad as usual sort of blamed it on me for not going and sometimes missing the session. (was tired/sleeping) So, he just sort of forgot it and acted as if nothing has happened and since then, I haven't been to a therapist.
I'll try my best but how do you recommend me to start these things?
About that, to me, guys can have those sorts of lives too. I mean, I once wished I was that guy who was just awesome and he's neat. What I want is to be myself, trust me. I wouldn't want to be in this body at all because it doesn't feel like me and it isn't. About wanting a better life, we all do that but for me, I'm never going to find it in this body and that's not how I want to be seen as.
Do not be afraid and feel free yourself. This is your life and no one has the right to decide how you live it!