My wife and I have been together for 8 years. I am a stay at home dad due to an injury. I don’t get out much we have 2 kids (hers from a previous relationship) 7 & 8 yr old boys. Both have adhd one has bipolar disorder on top of that. I love them to death but sometimes I get worn out even though I’m home. Recently I had an old friend come into town and my wife hates her. She always has since we were teenagers, they have their own issues from before me and my wife even started dating. I’ve known them both since grade school. They were my best friends.
My friend asked me to go out of town for a quick trip to visit her sister about an hour and a half away. Without even thinking I agreed because the kids were at grandmas and I rarely get out and theyre rarely babysat. I didn’t tell my wife I was leaving because it was supposed to be a quick road trip. It wasn’t. My friends battery died and I was stuck out of town for 8 hours and my phone didn’t have signal. We eventually got a ride back home after trying to charge the battery. My wife was livid. Not only did I not tell her so she claims she was worried but I was also out with someone she hates. I get the worried part but it seems really irrational to get mad over. I didn’t have any control over being stranded. And I honestly didn’t think she would get so worked up. How do I have a conversation without it turning into another argument?
Also we weren’t alone her husband rode along too
Seems like a lot of this could have been avoided if you'd just told her your plans. May I ask why you chose not to? How would you feel if she disappeared for an extended period of time, and you later found out she was out of town with a man she knew you didn't like? And her plan was to be back before you even knew she left? It's a trust issue, and she has a right to be upset. If you avoided telling her because you knew she'd be unhappy, then you're either a coward, or you knew you were in the wrong from the start. This isn't about her controlling you. It's about being accountable. It feels shady, because it is. It smacks of teenaged behavior, and "sneaking out". Try framing the conversation in a way that doesn't center around defending that behavior, and you're golden.
That said, you need to speak up about needing more breaks. I was a disabled mom, who rarely got out. And that was all on me. Nobody was forcing me into servitude, but it was easy to play the martyr. Turns out, I'm an adult that can change my circumstances if I'm unhappy. It was easier to believe I was stuck than to do anything proactive. I eventually grew up and made some changes, without laying blame on other people. Voice your needs. Make plans for yourself and with friends. Get a sitter that's available more. If money is too tight for sitters, find other parents to trade time with. There are lots of ways to make it work better for you. I hope you are able to find some solutions, and have more time for your own interests.
Just curious: why does she “hate” this couple?
Are you disabled permanently or just during a healing period?
I think you know what you did was not being open to wife about what you were doing on your day off. Your day trip got revealed and now it has mushroomed into something more. Now it’s pereceived as being sneaky and untruthful.
Lots of things going on here. Perhaps talking in front of a counselor would help you frame the talk so you can explain what you need in terms of personal time and space.