Uncertainty over new relationship
I recently started spending time with a single mom from work. It hasn't been going on for very long, only about 2 weeks, but I'm already feeling confused about whether or not we're actually dating.
We've already had some great times together and her kids are adorable. Part of the issue is that she seems uncertain whether her and her ex are completely done. Aside from that, her household is kind of crazy and busy with lots of family members under one roof.
I can't tell how I fit into things yet. Maybe I keep taking things too fast. I realize that her family comes first and that she needs time to herself. But I am frustrated because I've been single for a long time and would like better communication and more time together with her. As it stands, I feel pushed away half of the time.
Also not quite sure what her family thinks of me, or what all is real about our relationship yet. I can't tell what I mean to her or how she sees me, and I do wonder if she just sees this as fun. But then why introduce me to the kids and family members if it's strictly for fun?
She asked me one night why I want to be a part of this, what she refers to as craziness. I do admittedly have doubts, but I feel like we get along well and could have a very loving relationship. I also pointed out that my life gets rather dull and quiet, so I wouldn't mind livening it up by bringing her family into my world. She still seemed uncertain, and reminded me that she is a difficult person to date.
I'm worried this will just turn into more drama and uncertainty. And if I'm being honest, I don't want to waste my time when there are some other girls I wouldn't mind getting to know. At the same time I'm really not a shallow person - I'd like to try to make this work. I'm just not left feeling like I'm getting everything I need out of this right now. And the lack of a clear description of what our relationship actually is (or even if one exists) is making things rough.
What should I do?
I agree two weeks is way to soon to be thinking of this as a "relationship". One thing you must understand is that she and the father of her children will always be connected because of their children. She's already told you she's not sure if she and the Ex are completely through;
and that she is not the easiest person to date. You already feel like a third wheel.
Trust your gut feelings, don't ignore the FLASHING RED FLAG hitting you in the face. I think you should move on. Dating gives you the opportunity to check the tires, these tires are flat. Move On.
Apart of caring about her is insuring that her family are put first and that she is given ample space in making the best decisions possible. You have made an introduction, but it is now down to her should she eventually wish to make the running in your direction.
I appreciate the feedback, everyone. I tried responding the other night, but lost everything I typed...anyway, maybe I can give a more simple reply now.
You were all right. I need to give this more time to play out, I need to give her more space, and yes there are some warning signs.
There's really a lot more going on with this situation than I've mentioned as well, but I would like to keep some things private and besides, I'm not sure what all is relevant yet to the main issue.
I will mention that I'm starting to suspect she has a bit of a drinking problem.
I realize things aren't how I'd like them to be. But at the same time I do see where she and I have some similarities, and I do like her quirks.
And I really don't want to be alone. I would rather stay in something uncertain where I see her once a week and we don't get to talk much for the rest, than to go back to being sad and having no intimacy and nobody in my life for another year or two.
I might keep this thread posted on new developments as this goes on, and I try to navigate it. In the meantime I think I'll just give this some time and try not to stress, and see if it improves. :-S
Welcome back to the dating scene. Exciting isn’t it? I have to admit you have some positive and optimistic thoughts about this relationship. I find it interesting you would rather see her just once a week rather than being absent from her. That should tell you a few things.
First, she may be worth the drama. You don’t know yet, but it may be worth the “dance” of finding out.
Secondly, solid and long term relationships normally take time to establish. Be patient and as careful and comprehensive as it may take. Oh, by the way, there are no perfect relationships.
Third, since she is still tentative with you, doesn’t that give you the opportunity (while being honest with her) to explore the other girls?
Yes, keep us in the loop as this relationship develops. Thanks for sharing.
So I can post again? This website hasn't been letting me respond to peoples' articles for the past few days.
Well, a lot has happened since my last post. I mentioned that we were both coworkers, and pretty much she just stopped coming to work until she was fired. I tried going out of my way to appeal to our manager so she could keep her job. She still did not meet me halfway.
In fact, she lied about days she said she would finally be back in to work...several times. She even tried for a moment to make it sound like it was my fault for making her think she had already been fired when she hadn't quite been yet, because I thought she was close to her call-in quota. (which is quite generous.)
For the last two weeks or so, I haven't seen her. She even said she would want to be around when my parents came to visit after I'd had a minor surgery, but used that as an opportunity to make it seem like she had forgotten when my surgery was scheduled and showed up at our workplace looking to see me that day. Despite my efforts to get her to join me and meet my parents at lunch, she never responded. Even after she said she was perfectly down for whatever.
The other day her dad ( who she's been living with) showed up at my workplace to tell me she was no longer staying there. Apparently she had gotten into a fought with him, and abruptly left to stay with...I guess her ex's family?
I don't know if her father was just covering for her or if that's the case. But it's clear to me that she isn't making any effort to stay in touch and respect my situation. I've been single for quite a while now, and she knew from the start that I was tired of women who aren't serious. This whole thing is basically a grown woman who's still not serious. And not even appreciative of a guy who's willing to accept her flaws and shortcomings, and embrace her messy world to take a chance on what might have been.
I told her on messenger (which she paid a visit to today, I noticed), that it's pretty much not going anywhere and I am tired of being alone and lonely. She isn't giving me what I need, so I'm looking for it elsewhere.
I wonder why so many seemingly normal women, even in their 30's, are such a frickin' mess?
I'm still feeling crappy about this situation, and it's probably been about 3 weeks since I saw her in person last.
It bothers me that this sort of thing has happened to me about 3 times now. For some reason women must see me as some sort of rebound. They aren't viewing me as a potential longterm partner. And while having fun is all fine and good, I feel like I've made it clear every time that I want something lasting.
It's so difficult for me to get a girl wanting to talk to me...and then once I do, she cuts ties with me after a couple of weeks. I'm starting to get paranoid about what I'm saying or doing or how I'm acting that might make them push me away...and I don't get it, I'm almost worried that I can't share anything with a woman if I want it to last next time.
I feel like I was giving this last woman a really good deal, one that was in her favor. I made exceptions for things I'd never been willing to tolerate before for the sake of giving dating her a chance. I was even trying to give her space for days on end, that she seemed to need, and was willing to overlook the fact that she acted shady and might not have been exclusive.
I still walk away feeling like I might have screwed things up. But I think I was more than fair. Maybe I wasn't good enough with her kids, or maybe I just seemed too boring to her. I really don't know. But I don't understand why nobody I'm meeting wants anything I have to offer.
Since all of this happened, I've been debating whether this is a sign that I need to pack up and start over somewhere else again. I was thinking a career change was what I needed, but maybe I also need a fresh group of people to get to know. I'm admittedly feeling kind of left out of my small circle of work friends lately too.
Any additional advice or thoughts would be appreciated.