Am I being too paranoid?
Never had a first date like this...
Met someone online a few weeks ago. We spoke and texted almost every day. Since we live 2 hours apart, we met somewhere in between last weekend. We made a full day of it (from lunch through dinner and going to a winery in between). As soon as I met him, he hugged me and started holding my hand. A short time later, he kissed me on occasion. He kept on saying he was happy to meet me and wanted to see me again soon.
Then he said some things which I think is strange: He is a dentist and asked me if I whiten my teeth ; when I replied I only used whitening toothpaste he told me that it's bad for you and I should use a different method. He then asked about my birthmark on my arm, which really isn't obvious.
He kept on saying I was beautiful, etc. and telling me about his prior bad dates and how happy he was to finally meet someone with my wit, looks, etc.
He was married twice before (not uncommon for a 67 year old); he does have some animosity towards his first wife because of custody issues when the kids were young and has no contact now with the 2nd ex wife.
He listed his age on the dating site as 62 but he told me he is 66; I am listed at 58 and I'm 60 (I tried to correct mien but it was impossible). He brought it up about my age difference and so did I for him.
Gardening is his passion so he brought me a bunch of vegetables (that's also a first for me on a first date).
Otherwise, he appears to be a well established person (has his own home, is close to his adult kids, etc.).
I've been burnt with 2 prior relationships because of control issues and lying. Also, one of them was a narcissist and came on strong from the beginning. Further, the distance killed my last relationship since he didn't want to move in with me in between for several more years (we'd been dating 2 years at that point) and he only saw me on Saturday nights and during the day on Sunday. Not a good thing when he is 67 and I'm 60.
Do I go out of my way to see this guy or not? He doesn't work on Fridays and I can take off some Fridays, so perhaps we can bridge the difference? Is his conduct indicative of a controlling person. We really enjoyed each other's company and I find that very hard to find these days.
If distance is a deal breaker, why do you keep talking to men that aren't local to you? If you're worried about being controlled, why don't you ask why you don't trust yourself? If time together is a priority, why agree to meet anyone that doesn't have the same priorities? Perhaps it's not the man you need to be thinking about at all. Maybe you should ask why you keep sticking to so many self-limiting patterns. I found that until I did that, I had no business roping other people into my issues.
I don't mean to sound harsh. Until an old friend quit holding my hand through all of my crap, and told me the truth, I had never thought I was the problem. But I was. I finally dealt with everything and got out of my own way. I'll be grateful to that friend the rest of my life.
Great post, MamaBear.
We don't like to think that many times, the problem issues are not with others, it's with ourselves.