Struggling after a surpise break-up
BETTYBEE - Jun 16 2018 at 10:31
My boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me a almost 6 weeks ago and I'm really struggling.
We had plans for the future and I thought we were finally going to be able to get some alone time and actually live like a real couple. We both live with our parents at 29 (me) and 24 (him) so I was feeling suffocated.
He said he hasn't been happy in a long time and he's tried to be blunt with me in the past, but from where I'm standing these conversations have not happened. He doesn't want a baby anytime soon, even though he was the one always saying "should we start trying now", and so on and so forth. It left me very confused. Honestly if he had had an honest conversation about his fears I could have tried to work on things with him, but it seems to me he was saying one thing to me and thinking a different thing and somehow expecting me to know this. Honestly this break up came out of the blue for me.
I thought I'd found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I feel like I've lost not only the relationship which was the one good thing in my life, but also the future we were planning, and the social life we had. We would hangout at this pub near his house and had a group of friends there that he still sees everyday but I can't. And none of them have bothered to check in with me since the break up.
Basically I don't know how to go on from here. I'm still crying all the time and not eating or sleeping properly. For me the pain seems to be getting worse and he seems to be doing just fine and having a great time. I just want to fix things between us now I know what the problems are but he doesn't want to. I'm so in love with him and just need someone to talk to really. Get some of these feelings out because they are eating me up inside.
You'll never be able to make someone love you or come back unless they want to. And if you somehow could, they'd likely end up resentful.
I can tell you from personal experience that you're not the only one experiencing this level of sorrow with both emotional and physical manifestations. After my first wife and I split up my weight dropped to 145 lbs. I looked like shit and didn't care.
I can also tell you that it's really easy to forget difficult relationship conversations when you're under the impression that everything is going well. I did this for over six years (while spiraling into depression) and it wasn't until I caught my current wife cheating that I woke up to how bad I had made the marriage. Now, I'm not saying that your situation is your fault. Just that I know what it's like to have a partner tell you that they've tried having this conversation with you several times, but you can't remember.
Either things will work out between you two, or they won't. Either way, you can work on yourself and at the very least be the best person YOU can be, with someone or single.
Honestly, he never had these conversations with me. He wasn't good at communicating his feelings. I tried to have these conversations with him but he always blamed work or money.
He said he felt like he had to buy my affection, even though I told him every time to stop spending so much money on me, and i also spent money on him. The day before he accused me of this I bought all his drinks in the pub.
This is what has me so confused.
I didn't even think about marriage until he brought it up. He seemed mature, and he was the one talking about moving out and starting a family. I wouldn't have pushed him at that age. He put the ideas in my head. I wanted him to go out and have fun. I wasn't trying to tie him down.
But I didn't want those things until he started talking about them. All I ever wanted was honesty.