Why did she betray me? What is wrong with me?
My best friend of 1 year and I moved away for college together. She was depressed and suicidal and she wanted to go away and start a new life with me.
Her parents weren't helping much so I offered to support her until she was stable. I gathered money from my old jobs and helped her with our dorm,food,leisure etc. But when we arrived everything went down.We would fight as she was ungrateful and demanding, and I had an alcohol addiction, and I was recovering from some trauma. Sometimes she’d slap me or bite me really hard which drew flashbacks on me. I was feeling traumatized by my past, and I was struggling with paying her expenses. I overdosed on ecstasy and ended up in hospital. She broke down and stayed there all night and saved me from the cops.
After I got released, we started over and she took care of me. Anyway, we got into another fight which resulted in her telling me to kill myself. I got drunk, and I laid a hand on her. We started hitting each other on the street. She began screaming for help.
I ended up at the cops. And the university began a disciplinary hearing against me. Then we decided that she’ll move out and go live with another friend.
For the next two months, it was a series of push and pull game. We sat down to speak once after the police incident. She said, “I was in love with you.” After a pause, she rushed “as a friend.” She wiped my tears and said what’s broken can’t be fixed and we had to forget each other as I wasn't the same person she knew.I felt guilty, and I wanted to get her back. One day I made her a surprise lunch with 2 of our friends (boys). They invited her over, and she made a scene. She sat down eventually, ate, and when it was time to talk, she said she’d never forgive me.
Later that day I saw her sitting alone, crying in the corridor and I sat beside her. She didn’t say anything, just leaned her head on me.
A few days later, she bitched at me and made me cry. The next day, she sits with me and has a casual friendly talk over coffee. She was telling me she was sick at the hospital and she wished it was me to be there beside her, rather than the guy she was with. Then at night fights with me again. We sat talking for a long time, she held my hand and said she loved me so much, that she picked me over her boyfriend twice, but now her heart feels nothing for me anymore.
The next day, she punched me in my chest when she saw me in the elevator. The following day, I had bought her a teddy to apologize with. I kissed her forehead and said I’ll never approach her again and I accept that we’re done. 2 hours later, she came into the room and saw that I was going out with her friend and she came as well. At the cafe she was quiet. She got angry when she saw one of the waiters flirting with me and offering me free drinks.
Before we were about to leave, she told me she felt sick and leaned on me for support. We got a cab, I took her and the other drunk friend to their room and told her I’d bring her some chocolate. I fed her and told her I’ll leave because I had to see my guy friends. She said she was not feeling well, and asked me to stay with her. Then she wrapped her hand around my waist and cuddled me onto her bed and spoke to me until she slept. In the morning we woke up together and left the room. Later she thanked me for taking care of her. And after that, she started a whole fight where she broke down and accused me of destroying her. I had gotten drunk and broken a bottle against the wall and was taken to the hospital.
She knew I had my wrist stitched and didn’t bother to see me. Instead, she sent me some cruel texts saying she knew I spread rumors about her (which I didn’t). A few days later I found out some terrible things.
She had told her long distance “boyfriend” about my history of abuse and mental issues, and he proceeded to investigate my past. She tried to ally herself with the man (my ex-best friend) who had raped me three years ago, to extract information out of him (even though she hated him). She called me a whore and a slut and accused me of wanting it. Then started spreading it there amongst the boys and calling me manipulative, saying I was using my charm to get under their skin and get to her. Also adding rumors that I was bisexual, a psychopath, and obsessed.
She claimed that when I was drunk, I tried to abuse her sexually. But what happened was, I was drunk, and I remember giving her neck a peck. She moaned and pulled me closer to her but then I got aggressive and pushed myself off her and yelled at her. Then she played the gay card: but here's the truth.
Back home, she used to ask me to come over to her house when her parents slept and we'd smoke hookah and cuddle on her bed.
We used to cuddle often either in bed or in the car. One day she acted weird and said she loved me then leaned in and kissed my nose. Then she asked where's my kiss?
Later,she also used to send me revealing and seductive videos of herself which I kept private. r when she would say she was addicted to me and couldn’t live without me. Then one day she had the nerve to ask me if I had feelings for her. I said no. And for me all of this was purely platonic.
I couldn't take it anymore and I decided to leave for the semester. The day I traveled, we met up coincidentally, and we spoke. She said I ruined everything between us and that we were over. I held her hand and hugged her for the last time and left. However, when I was at the airport, she kept calling me. She told me “I’m going back to my ex. Even though he cheated on me, at least he didn’t lay a hand on me. He gave me love and protection which you never did, you only gave me money, which I’ll give you back. You loved yourself more, and because of you I hate everyone.”
Then she continued to call me at random times to insult and swear at me. The last conversation we had was her telling me we were toxic for each other.
I haven’t heard from her for a week.
I know I’m wrong as well and I have issues, and I’m already getting help for them.
I want to move on and I'd like to get some clarity from her POV. Thank you for your time
Sorry - but from what you have written, she sounds unstable and any relationship with her has been toxic. So why ask for validation from someone so unstable?
Take care of yourself. Continue getting help. Stop drugging and drinking so you can face life honestly.
Spend time with healthy people doing healthy things. Good luck.
Wow. Perhaps we should start with your willingness in moving away with a depressed, suicidal individual while you, yourself, are battling addictions. You are either a saint or one that is truly looking for some guidance. Since I am not qualified to direct a saint, allow me to comment on your challenging relationship. Most friendships are worth keeping.
Permit me to ask for your recommendations. Suppose I have mind altering addictions that may reduce my objective and rational decision making process. Suppose these compulsions lead to physical and mental abuse of the one(s) I really care for as well as to myself. What would you advise? Seriously, what would you tell me regarding my relationships?
I will anxiously wait for your response so we can work this out together. You are closer to this than me so I need your input.