I don't know if I should stay with my husband
So in January after 89 days of conversation after conversation my husband admitted he had unprotected sex with a stranger in 2015.
89 days of lying to my face watching me break down, knowing in my gut I hadn't got the truth.
In October he admitted to chatting to girls online, i pushed him a bit and he said he would write me a letter, so 10 hours of anxiety and worry and stress ensued while he wrote, in the end he handed me a letter which basically blamed me for all of our problems.
He admitted entertaining himself to my friends pictures on FB and living in a fantasy land including po*n and FB and chatting to girls online, he had built me into a superb**ch in his head and that justified everything.
The whole detailed story is to long to explain but he has basically sat on his ass and let me lead the way in trying to rebuild. He doesnt communicate, i still do not feel like I have the whole truth of his past which I know includeds lying about money, work, fidelity, loving me ( he says he fell out of love with me for a few years)
I want to save our family, we have two kids and been together 17 years but I feel like my husband died and I am living with a stranger.
How do I move forward, could you forgive?
You have all the “ information” you need now. Stop the inquisition.
Your husband sounds depressed. When is the last time he had a good physical?
Are you going to couple’s counseling?
If you want to save this marriage, get a plan for that. Otherwise you are spending your valuable time thinking over past injustices, humiliation and hurt.
Has he verbalized what he wants to do?
We were in couples counselling he said all the right things and then didnt do the homework or folliw through on what he said in the session. Then he said he didnt like the counsellor, so i found a new one, he said he was happy with the new one and is still doing the same thing.
I believe he was depressed after his sisters death in 2004 and again after his business went bust in 2010. His business going bust was my fault because I had post natal depression in 2008 and distracted him from suceeding (his words) had nothing to do with the baf business decisions he made.
Him cheating was my fault because our sex life was not good enough for him and i should have known he wasnt comfortable enough talking about sex to discuss anything.
He has said he wants to stay and wint cheat again because he doesnt want to go through this again.
I do love him ( on some level at the moment) but I cannot see past the pain of knowing he could lie for two years could have brought home Hiv or hep or clamidia or anything and not even told me. That he swore on his childrens lives and lied. That he spent years shopping and fantasising about my replacment.
Thanks for the response
You will have to go to private counseling to get “past the pain” - or let him go.
There’s a lot of work to be done on this marriage. Are you up for it?
I was married 24 years. Loved him with my whole heart. He loved me the same. We could not survive the relationship cancer that is resentment. You're both overflowing with it. Until or unless you deal with that, this marriage is basically terminal. It can be saved, but SUSIEDQQ hit the bullseye in saying there's a lot of work to be done. You both believe the other is the one at fault, and the one that needs "work". Truth is, there's a lot of individual work necessary,for both of you, before you can even address the marriage. Until you start working with each other instead of against, you're only going backwards.
I don't mean to sound harsh. But how you go forward decides the fate of your marriage. Your vows are obviously important to you, or you wouldn't still be married. You both need to decide if your marriage is worth being teammates, instead of rivals fighting for a non-existent trophy.
Thank you for your responses; I don't disagree with any of your advise, I think I am just to hurt to accept it right now. 17 years of lies and deceit I suppose, he admitted the porn stuff started before we got married and that he has lies about things since the very start, I do really hope we can get through this, I agree I resent him now, I think the biggest shock is the realisation that I idolised him, (probably to much) before this all came to light. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and advise, i do really appreciate it.