Anxiety and insecurities ruining my relationship
So for about 6 years I’ve neglected my partner. Not because I don’t love him, I guess other things in life took priority, a lot of traumatic times, illness, family issues etc. I’ve always been pretty confident and a very in control person. Since funding a lot of porn I’m his history I completely lost it. Yeh I was going through his phone. I’ve had an overwhelming feeling that I need to know what he’s been doing lately and can’t seem to help myself. Long story short, yes I invaded his privacy, but now I feel hurt, inadequate, not enough. When the problem began by me pushing him away for so long. Since...I’ve reflected and realised my shit mistakes and how I made him feel like I’m feeling now. I admitted it was shitty of me to forget about “us” and take everyone else’s problems on my shoulders. Anyway, I’ve initiated sex and it’s been great like it once was, not out of pity but genuine realisation of what I’ve been missing out on and denying him of. But I looked at his social media and seen he’d liked pics of sexy girls and off I go again and ruin things. Why am I feeling so insecure and not enough even though I am attractive, sexy etc....I’m insanely jealous. Have I destroyed him by rejecting him for so long (there was sex but very little) is it too late for him to feel the desire he once couldn’t control for me? I’m not sure where I stand. He can tell me I’m perfect but I don’t believe him. Help
If you've been through a lot of trauma and family issues then I think sometimes you can start to look at other aspects of your life in a negative way too, and become a bit paranoid - so therefore you start searching on partners mobile and social media. It's not a helpful thing to do as you found with how you're feeling now and it shows there is lack of trust.
To get your answers you need to talk to him and let him talk honestly with you too. Tell him you've realised what you have done, tell him you're sorry (if you are) and tell him what you'd like to happen. Hopefully he's stood by you.
If all good start planning nice things to do together
At first I went mental, left for a few days. He hadn’t once apologised for me feeling this way due to what I seen. Just really resentful and I’m at fault for invading his privacy. Had some pretty deep conversations with him but if he hears something he doesn’t like he immediately cracks it and avoids the subject, so I went for the night again. The thing that’s got me most concerned is I couldn’t keep him off me, I know I rejected and pushed away a lot, not all the time though. Now I’ve pretty much seen him for the patient person he’s been with me (even though there’s been some pretty full on arguments) and I’ve felt my connection with him again and have truly desired him and sex. He hasn’t once initiated it, or talked about anything, it’s all been me. I’m feeling like he’s embraced the wild sex part for the feeling but nothing else? If that makes sense? He doesn’t touch me like he once did, tell me what he loves about me, I’m thinking the damage is done and he’s lost his once burning flame he had for me due to my coldness for a while. The anxiety and scenarios in my head I can’t help because I’m not getting anything that he used to do. Have I made him too scared to initiate any form of sexual advance from the hurt of prior rejections? Or has he really had enough and can’t be bothered with me
if you are not spreading your legs for your guy you should not be surprised he looked for satisfaction elsewhere. sex is always a high priority for healthy men. if you stay sexually aggressive with him i believe you can salvage the relationship. of course he will be afraid you will return to denial again but it will lessen over time. after he sees you want sex with him he will start initiating with you again. do you think he has a side chick now? that will make it more complicated but not impossible to overcome.
No I don’t think there’s anyone else, just concerned with the above said. Thanks for opinions.
It’s not clear what you want, especially when you doubt yourself and your needs so much.
You have changed your behavior and what you want from him. He is confused. Perhaps couples counseling can help both of you to verbalize what each of you wants and needs.
Yeah I have, but I’m also confused. That was his main problem with our relationship. I thought long and hard how it must have been for him for a while and seen it through his eyes for the first time. Told him all this, told him how I feel about him but for something he insists was so important to him I’m not getting that vibe or instinct from him to initiate. I’ve opened up a bloody lot. So I’m wondering to myself if that’s all it really is. Keep in mind I looked after him after a stroke 5 years ago as well as deal with a drug addicted son, working everyday. Had a lot of pressure on my shoulders and a mother who was a complete butch and caused all sorts of trouble. I was in between a rock and a hard place with no help. Shit things tend to change you to a degree. I had councilling because I couldn’t take the weight after a few years. Nervous breakdown. But life is better now and I still have a lot of bitterness about the way I had everything thrown at me. Not his fault he got sick, (that’s not where my bitterness comes from) just other family members making life hell when I really didn’t need it.
you need to ignore everyone else problems and focus on your personal relationship with your partner. dont be afraid to tell other people that try to snare your life to solve their problems that you are dedicated to overcoming your own personal problems currently. tell them you can't handle any external stress for a while.
Not read through the other replies so sorry if I repeat anyone’s advice. My view is that it is so easy to let relationships slip simply because of LIFE! We all do, work, kids, loses, friends, hobbies etc etc can get in the way.
My last relationship I let myself go, the problem was he never told me ( as I understand it may be hard to say “ your getting fat”) and just had an affair.
I think before you can get through this you need to make sure u feel good In yourself. You will never accept a “your perfect” compliment if u don’t feel good in yourself.
Also babes All men and a lot of women watch porn so don’t let that worry you.
Talking is key, explain u don’t like him “liking” pics. Sometimes men need telling as they don’t think like us!
Hope this helps
So, after my initial post. I went home and our relationship has been pretty good. Good sex but mostly initiated by me.,then I looked at his history again and what do you know? The porn watching was minimal the first month and a bit, 16 times (still a lot I think but anyway) I kept my mouth shut and thought it’ll get better it has to, what I’m doing for him no man would sneeze at (I think?) but in the past 16 days he’s been watching it every single day, sometimes 2-4 times a day. I noticed it was before he woke me up for morning delight which pissed me off when I realised. Around 4 times I’d come into him and basically beg but no he’s too tired, fair enough but his porn viewing coincided with these times also. Every time I would lead the house for even 10 minutes he was straight onto it, every f**king chance he got. I blew up 2 days ago and told him I’d looked out of curiosity to see if what he said was the problem really was - me. I spat it and said I give up trying to please you! It’s all lies. I think you get turned on more by the hot bitches with an array of variety doing whatever you need them to do to get your kicks. I’m done. He’s only concern is I looked at his shit, no regard for how degraded, humiliated and hurt I feel. None at all. Told him he’s got a problem and I’m not willing to be a part of it anymore. Have your fantasy world, and I left. Excuses given to me then finding out that’s what he clearly prefers. I refuse to compete with that shit. I know I’m not the only one who is left feeling inadequate and worthless by this behaviour. Difference is, when I went cold it was life throwing shit at me, sex was not a priority at the time. Didn’t think about it, didn’t fantasise about it with other men. He disgusts me right now