I have been morally supporting my cousin in London for a few years as she is going through a horrible divorce.
I recently visited her in London, spent time with them, bought them stuff, paid for stuff, gave the kids pocket-money. Also bought beautiful expensive, new crockery as old stuff had breaks, cracks & chips in everything from 20 years of use.
When I told her I was investing $ for each of her 3 kids for their future, there wasn't even a peep of appreciation, but a mocking report of my intentions to the 3 kids involved.
I thought this was extremely rude. (Their father doen't pay ANY child-support, & they have no other relatives close-by, & he's decided their tertiary education is none of his business)
She has to sell the family home in 4 years & buy her own place.
She's even said, quite seriously, "I HAVE to find a man who'll take on my children, pay for their education & buy us a new home. I can never afford this on my own in London."
Since arriving home, I've sent 5 msgs and received (1) ONE reply, ONLY becoz I asked for one, not becoz she wanted to.
I know for a fact (eye-witness) she spends forever texting men she's dating, whether she's at work, home, in the middle of dinner with kids, etc.
I feel really upset, highly offended and mega insulted that she spends more time nurturing no-go relationships with men who are clearly using her. But give her a rather boring, yet kind-hearted spinster cousin who genuinely wants/or wantED, to help, and she laughs in my face.
She's a single mum with 3 kids trying to afford this all in the middle of London. Fat chance!
It's horrible, but now I'm much more inclined to invest the $ in their cousins' names (a 2 parent/2-income family) & in 5 years, when the investment has grown significantly, & the topic is brought up by MOI, I'll just say,"Well, you didn't seem at all keen on the idea, so I figured you didn't want me to do it."
Any ideas welcome....
seems from her comments she wants you to assume a father role to her children rather a distant relative. especially when she confided "HAVE to find a man who'll take on my children, pay for their education & buy us a new home. I can never afford this on my own in London. has she ever been flirtatious with you. i am assuming that you have never shown any lustful interest in her. best to establish your feelings for her. it seems you limit discussions to her children only. i think once this is done she will be more open and respectful to you. currently she is probably confused with your intentions with her and the children. why do belittle yourself with negative terms boring and spinster when it seems you are far from that?
I think you have been kind and generous enough. I would now step back, and just give her emtional support she needs but Let her make contact with you for a bit.
She needs to show you some appreciation now before you give anymore financially, if you still want to support her in that way.
It sounds like she's used to using/relying on other people, coz it's easy? since she thinks she needs to get a man to take on her children and pay for their education.
She could do it on her own but I guess mean moving out of london? maybe the change is too big, and there's some fear of doing it on her own, but no harm in talking to her and planting that seed. She may need to start demanding money from the dad not sure if it's the law or not?
her kids would respect, learn and admire her so much more if they see she's doing it by herself and working hard rather then have another father figure :-/.
Why the drive to rescue this relative?
Is there something in it for you that you are looking for? Be honest.
There doesn’t seem to be any appreciation or commitment from her, so why expend the energy?
Dangling money and presents in front of her is not getting a response. She is looking for a commitment and care from a future husband. You can’t do that.
Spend your money on yourself and enjoy life.
Thank you to BUNNYHABIT, LILY31 and SUSIEDQQ for your input.
I appreciate your point, and yes, we have mucked around at playing these respective roles, while I did the gardening & she the cooking. But there is most certainly no other aspect to our relationship than purely platonic "cousinship".
LILY31, you are absolutely right and I have minimised communication for a while.
I understand that she must learn to be independent & all the good things that go with that.
SUSIEDQQ, I have been supporting her in response to her comment that she has no family support whatsoever in London. She even asked me to move over there so she wouldn't feel so alone. So in regard to my drive to help, it comes from a desire to fulfill her expressed needs during this stressful period, which is probably going to be a long one.
Thank you for your input, as it certainly got me questioning the "pay-off" for me, with this behaviour. I guess it's ultimately a feeling of being needed. I haven't felt needed much in my life, and though people often need you when times are tough, whuch is sad, it's nice to be in a position to help.
In retrospect, I feel I have been very demanding & needy in wanting validation. After all, it IS my cousin who is suffering, not me, and I should really not be doing things & expecting anything from if her in return, in any form.
I ned to be mature enough to self-validate and be ok with that.
Thank you, all you three, for helping me nut it out.
I will take a step back and just lay low for a while.
And be grateful that I am in a position to help, but only if she needs.