Depressed because of my best friend
So at the end of dec 2017, I stopped talking to my best friend because she used to complain alot, she was sullen and very rude to me. She doesn't give a chance to other people to explain themselves and never accepts her mistakes. So I thought my silent treatment is going to work. But sadly it didn't. I am a very sensitive person. So in mid january 2018, I realised that what i was doing was wrong because she used to call alot and asked me that i was i behaving in this way. The day I realized that I was doing wrong and that I should talk to her she sat with other class fellows and left with them. I apologised to her for 4 months, Feb, March, April, May. I have celebrated her birthday, I have given her gifts, I have called her a million times, emailed her (it was a long email that stated how precious she was to me), texted her that i am sorry. But i never explained that why did i stopped talking to her in the first place. Till this date, she sends me texts that are rude, that insult me that how bad of a friend i am. That how I left her. She has said very hurtful things, such as we are never going to be the same, that she has give my place to other people (friends). Since the day that i have started saying "sorry" to her, she points out everything, whatever i am doing is wrong. If i ask for notes when i have missed a class, is wrong! The way i laugh is wrong, if i say that i am scared of the exams, she says that i am lying and that i annoy her.
I feel depressed all of the time, whenever she calls, i panic. I am scared of her. But on the other hand I can't make things worse by cutting her off as we are a part of a group now. Cutting off with her means cutting off with an entire group of 10 people. I recently found out that she has a passive aggressive personality. For example, she asked me if i have completed studying for the paper, I said that i wasn't finished, she asked again and i replied that no, I haven't finished yet. What she said next shockedme, she said that my statments were contradictory and that i was lying. I replied that i am not lying, and my statements are not contradictory. she replied,"Why are you getting aggressive.". This is what she says whenever she says something weird and i get angry.
Today she sent me a text, I said that people say that they love you , this makes us happy, but then suddenly they don't. After all of that apologizing, spending huge amount of money, doing whatever she says just because i feel guilty, she says the same thing that she said on the first day when i apologized. I don't know what i should do or say. I am scared of her, her voice, it makes me nervous. It makes my heart beat fast, I am scared that i will answer the phone and she is going to say something that is going to hurt me. Please help me. I don't know what to do. She is making my life miserable. I don't know how to talk to her anymore. I can't explain to her that what is she doing to me. I can't fight with her, I have no energy left.
You are under no obligation to try to make this (or any other) relationship work. So give yourself permission to cut ties with this gal who is bullying you, emotionally and verbally.
Detach. Maybe even from the entire group (posse) of 10.
Change friends, jobs, or whatever you have to do to start over.
I am currently in the 3rd year of BBA (Bachelor's of Business Administration). Everybody else in my class has already settled down. I can't sit with other groups. That is why i am stuck with these people. How can i ignore her or set new boundaries? How can i emotionally detach from her. Because when she texted yesterday, after that harsh text she said that "I shared what I felt like." I want to understand what kind of a person she is since i am struggling so badly. Currently its our vacations going on. Our university starts on september 1st. I really want to improve my people skills and that how can i communicate with people like her? am i the one who can't communicate? I mean i can't understand where is the problem lying? No body stretches an issue for months like her.
She is a verbal and emotional bully - and she has found her victim( like bullies always do) and it’s YOU.
Please consider counseling to help you deal with this strong- willed negative personality. You will need the skills to deal with people like her if you are going into the business world.
It's true, she's controlling you and projecting her faults on to you. It sounds like your self confidence is low so you do need to cut ties because this is not a friendship, friends don't make you judge or make you question how you feel or make you panic when they call.
Look up narcassism and I think you'll see some traits in her.
Cutting ties for four months sounds like it made you feel really guilty, because you didn't tell her ( ?), hence the presents, calls, the apologising and I think you wrote that email to her because maybe in the beginning of your friendship you did value her as a really good friend, but it wasn't what you thought it was going to be and you realised.
Its hard telling someone the real truth and be honest with them when you know they're not going to listen, or look at what they've done wrong. Narcissistic people are not reasonable, therefore you can't reason with them! so I don't think your friend will change or any new boundaries you put in will work coz you can't change her.
If you're on the same course you might not be able to cut all ties just yet. What you can do is distance your self from her, dont sit next to her and learn to be assertive with her when she does verbally attack you. You don't have to believe what she says or thinks about you or think that it's true. Really those are her insecurities.
Reassert yourself through counselling or by reading and dont give her the reaction she's looking for or she'll win every time. Look out for new friends along the way too.
Thank you so much guys for replying. I have never had a chance to share my problems with other people. Just one last thing, What should i do when she calls? or sends a text that is related to what happened when i stopped talking to her? should i seen zone her? like see her text on whatsapp and not reply? or send an emoji? or tell her that i have already apologized a million times about that and why is she sending me these type of texts or telling me that what i did was wrong. What type of attitude should i have? She is a narcissist (I checked), what should i be? I have become a people pleaser, I cry alot, I am depressed just because of her. So how should i react or say? once again, thank you so much for helping me. This means alot.
You don't need to be anything but yourself. Once you've cut all ties, it might be a idea to block her? you don't respond to any texts, calls, send an emoji, watts app, or ask open questions. You don't give her the chance to open up a conversation with you.
OR (if that's too hard)
you could give a very short response: remind her that you're not friends and to please not contact you again. And that's it. You don't need to go into anything else like why or how she made you feel, she'll have an idea.
For you it's all about moving on, feeling better within yourself, getting your confidence back and making new friends who are positive around you.
she will probably hate the fact that she no longer has you around to make you feel like cr*p, so bear that in mind.
if you do ever bump into her in future you're confident enough not to let her words (should she say anything to you) upset you and you can just brush it off. And also, like said above with other people like her.
At first it will probably be really uncomfortable because it's a loss in a way. you might feel guilty, angry or question what your doing but you need to stick with it if you don't want to be friends with her. You distract yourself, Remind your self why without dwelling too much. being angry is not always a bad emotion and it keeps you away from that toxic person.
you don't need to please her anymore, that is her control over you. she used and abused your good nature and I think (hope) soon you'll start to feel better. Hope that help a bit :-) .
Be prepared for another trick of the narcissist: hanging on like a dog with a bone, until you do what she wants. Even then, it’sall about her.
She may even enjoy the excitement of you not wanting to see her, take on the role of the victim ( for group attention) and even turning the entire group against you ( thus showing her power). Narcissists are not gotten rid of easily- they must have a “victim” to use to feed their ego.
The good thing is that time is your friend. She will move on to someone else because that’s what they do.
There’s lots of help on the web. Google: how to deal with narcissist. Many lectures and other sources will come up. Once you know their “game” it becomes easier to deal with. Don’t let her zap your energy or your loving temperament.
Good luck. We are her to help.