Experiencing anxiety because a friend
2 weeks ago I posted my problem regarding my best friend. I stopped talking to her because she was rude to me, she belittled me, interrupted me and never ever accepted her mistakes, she told me that I use makeup and that she doesn’t but then asks me to put makeup on her face. But after a month I realized that I was not right, I said sorry to her but did not tell her exactly why I had stopped talking to her. But instead of asking or thinking about what she had done to me she continuously told me that I was a liar, I am mean, that I don’t value friendship and that as she is now a part of a group of 10 people and that her “love” for me is now divided in that group. I said sorry to her for 4 months since January, sent her texts, emails, called her, cried, swore on my parent’s lives that I was sorry. She would say that she is ok but on the next day she would repeat the same thing again that I betrayed her. I felt depressed and was stressed all the time.
You guys told me to ignore her, that she is a narcissist and that I am her victim. I have tried to reduce my contact with her as we are having our holidays. I have stopped texting her and have only talked to her when she has called me.
Though I have reduced contact with her I feel scared of her, that she is going to attack me. She is going to bring that subject again in the future. I feel like I owe her something, that I am guilty. I fear that whatever I say or do is wrong, that my opinions are not right and that my opinions don’t matter. I don’t know how to communicate with her or to face her. I feel uneasy when she sends a snap on snapchat to continue our streak. I feel uneasy when she updates her status. An year ago she was not that vocal and confident. She did not have friends, she was conscious about herself. And an year ago I was a confident person, I had my goals set. I was a happy person. I feel so lost today. I fear that my English language is very poor as its not my first language. I can’t speak English fluently, but I try to do that but I am scared of people. I don’t trust myself. I don’t know what she has done to me. She is not here but I feel uneasy. I used to read books, I used to watch tv shows. She was not interested in these things. Now she tells me things that I told her once. She jokes that she belongs in the spotlight. I see her posting political stuff on facebook. She used to be so reserved and I was the one who used to be active, I told her to make friends. I am all alone now. Cant speak English, Cant give opinions, cant tell anybody what is right and what is wrong, don’t see myself as a confident person, I doubt myself, Can’t complete my tasks in time, I fear that she will be angry when I see her and she will rant again that why have I not called her. She is succeeding because I pushed her, I gave her confidence, I am alone. I have nobody left. I have spent so much money on her, giving her gifts, celebrating birthdays and have got nothing in return. Please guide me that how can I improve myself. She has a group that I am a part of too but I don’t feel good in that group, she joined that group when I stopped talking to her and then I followed her in that group. I fear that if i will stop talking to her I will not have any friends, I am angry that she is ahead of me, she is confident and that I am stuck. I am angry that how much I care about her and that she on the other hand doesn’t have a minute in a day that she will spend thinking about me this much. Am I going crazy?? What is wrong with me. Please tell me how can I overcome my weaknesses. She is that first person that i think of and get depressed when i get up in the morning. I feel like she is better than me. I feel like she has a power over me and that i have to explain everything to her and give her reasons. Sometimes I would lie to her that i didnt call because i was away. I am tired of her anger and her taunts. But i am also tired of lying. I dont have the courage to say no. For the career that i am planning to pursue it requires me to be confident, be diplomatic, be assertive, be patient, read alot of books have a lot of knowledge, have extremely good presentation and communication skills and perfect english speaking skills. I am none of those things and i am panicking. Its killing me. Because i want to throw these thoughts away and to go for that career. I cant stop giving reasons and explanations for my actions, why have i become such a people pleaser? I am sick and tired of everything. I get so angry at my little brother for absolutely no reason at all. I have become an angry person and can do nothing productive , can't manage time. I get so angry that i get suicidal thoughts. Please help me.
I remember your post.
I know, It is really hard ignoring and stopping communication from someone you were once close with espically when they know how to manipulate people.
I think I said in the last post you are probably going feel angry towards her with how she talked to you and she made you feel. You'll probably feel guilty for not wanting to be friends with her and you're cutting her off and sad coz it's a loss of a friendship and paranoid because you don't know when she's next going to make contact with her and what she'll want or will say. But you need to remember why and why your friendship was a toxic one.
But you don't owe her anything and you don't need to please her.
I've learnt The best thing you can do, is to carry on with what your doing no communcation and read and learn as much as you can . there are books or google about narcassism there is a lot of info on it that youll be able to relate it. It will help because you'll realise that it's not you.
Also keep updating this thread if you need to :-).
Considering English isn't your first language, it's very good so don't worry about that!