Head a bit messed up
So, a really stupid problem here....
I lost my husband 5 years ago to Cancer. He was amazing and totally my best friend. I miss him very much. I was 37 when he died and very soon started to panic and feel like I desperately needed a partner as I felt scared and lonely. I dated a couple of guys but nothing major. A couple of years after he died, I met a guy who lived about an hour away from me. He was separated with a 10year old son. I have to admit that I didn’t think much about it but we soon started a very intense relationship. He told me that I was his soul mate, that he wished he had met me years ago etc etc. At this time my son was getting in with a bad crowd and so was in a bit of trouble. The guy who we will call M, said one of us should move in with the other and given the behaviour choices my son was making... I decided to move me and the kids to live with him. We even got engaged after 5 months and I thought I had found my happy ending.
However, around 3 months after we moved in, cracks began to show. He became different and wanted everything his own way. He accused us of being lazy and messy and was unkind about my kids. When I was working late shifts, he sometimes didn’t feed my kids as they had left the kitchen in a mess and he was ‘no ones slave’. He moaned at me constantly and told me I had put on weight and that he only wanted to ‘bone me when I was done up’. He was never tactile or complimentary and always looked miserable. He threw me out in the middle of the night once as I stuck up for my kids during a row.
Things began to get really bad and he said I was hard to love as I was needy and over emotional. He also said that I was a bully as I had an issue with how close he and his ex wife were. (I do think I was a bit paranoid about that) He also claimed that I always let him be the bad one when it came to the kids and couldn’t parent.
Everytime I arranged a day out or a surprise he was annoyed as I hadn’t checked the geography right and we ended up travelling too far or I was a bit disorganised.
Anyway, after a particular heated row, I moved into the spare room. Things went downhill fast after that and eventually I decided I had enough and I found another property. He cane in to tell me he was going on holiday with his son and I told him I wouldn’t be there when he got back as we were moving out. The whole of that week, I cried and was sent home from my work. He acted like nothing was happening. We slept together the night before I left and no emotion from him at all. He said it would ‘kill him’ to see me with someone else but he didn’t know what would happen. I left telling him that I would go back and see him the following evening, but I never went. I was too upset. We never spoke again. That was 10 months ago. He has moved on, he did actually a month after I left and now lives with another family.
My issue is... how can people move on so quickly. We were a step family and we’re engaged and he had just discarded me. It’s clear that I meant nothing to him and that I’m a long gone memory but how is that possible? I still think of him and he was truly dreadful towards me. He never chased me, checked to see if we were okay and has left me and my self esteem in tatters. I cannot seem to let this go and am so upset he has upgraded, is happy and has forgotten all about me and the life we had. How can people move on without a second thought? I feel horrible, useless, ugly and unattractive like I have nothing to give. I’m scared of just how low I feel and am in a very dark place just now. I feel so used and hurt and cannot get over this no matter how hard I try. Please help with any advice as this is ruining my life....
Are you feeling that you have been dumped?
Well, go back and re- read your own post. Sorry, but this guy was an abuser and not good for you or your kids. Your pain comes thru in your writing.
In 6 months you will be thankful for where you are. Accept that he is not the man you thought he was. And if you really think about it, you were lonely and desperate for companionship, and were not seeing with clear eyes.
Now you know what kind if a man you need. Wiser and with clearer vision.
As I read your post, I realized that there are many people in our world today that are feeling the same way. Of course, that doesn't help you knowing there are others in the same boat. When you met this guy, you were lonely and still grieving for your husband and the father of your children. You felt you couldn't go on without someone to support you.
You are not ugly! You are not useless! You are not unattractive. You are a precious gift of God to your children, to your other family that is still here, to the people you work with and are friends with. Don't define your life by this guy, who was obviously only out for what he could get. When he got what he wanted, he was ready to move on.
I don't know your situation. My husband and I will celebrate our 40th anniversary in November. I do know that God has a plan for you and for your kids. Concentrate on that plan. Give your kids the love and attention they need. It's quite possible that a wonderful man will just happen to be a part of that plan.
You're in my prayers.