Relationship for 5 years
Barely any sex, 99% of the time I'm initiating it, he's totally closed off, doesn't want to talk about it...I've been going to counselling, to a psychologist, have spoken to many friends and still the same problem occurs. He has many good qualities but this is driving me mental. Please help. Is it worth ending the relationship?
Closed off, not emotionally there for you. Not there physically for you.
Now - what did you say were his GOOD qualities?
Is this happening constantly for the past 5 years or only in the recent past months?
SUSIEDQQ - Thank you so much for acknowledging my concerns. Good qualities:
1) loves animals, is so good to them including my pet who he takes care of
2) my family loves him
3) hard worker, takes his responsibilities at work seriously
4) cleans his place so it's barely ever messy
5) we have shared interests (exercise / travelling together)
7) we both have similar views on the future
8) he cooks like a champion for me
9) thoughtful gift giver
10) athletic in a sense
11) financially responsible
12) we laugh together
...that's all I can think of for now...
This has been so tough for me, honestly, I've gone to counselling, a phychologist...I've talked with him multiple times about it... I feel like it's actually physically hurting me that we are not having sex... maybe once every 6 weeks we are doing something sexual related but the annoying part is that his penis has not been inside me now for at least 2 months and this is not uncommon... why the hell is it not important to him that we get this sorted? He used to wear condoms all the time no problem now he says he has a problem with them, that he looses the erection with them...so I try and talk alternatives to birth control he says before we do that let's keep trying with the condoms. But there's no trying on his part!!!! And they are not working so he needs to step up and acknowledge this and help to sort this, do you agree? I have tried to many times....
I'm just seriously spending way too many nights thinking about this. I'm looking to other people for attention and I just for some reason have not been able to make a decision based on all the other good things and how much fun things we do together though a lot of the time while I'm frustrated that sex isn't happening and he doesn't seem to take my feelings on it as important. I find his feelings important though...I have asked him what it is he would like to be doing, could I be doing something different, he said he has no problems with our sex life. I just do not get it because we have both said a couple of years back that it's really important to both of us.
What do you think of all of this now?
LORIMCDANIEL - our sex life was bang on for the first 3 years of our relationship. In the last two years it dwindled harshly, there was 9 months that we went without as I got sick of initiating. I finally said what the heck is going on then we started to sometimes but it's the same old very rare that it happens.
LORIMCDANIEL - I meant to mention that something changed with his living situation that caused him a lot of stress in the 4th year, I'm guessing that had to do with the lack of initiation on his part but I'm only guessing... he never told me when I asked him what was happening, the communication around sex is so difficult. I've asked him to go to counselling with me and he won't. He's tried an herbal remedy but still the same thing is occurring. I just don't understand why he doesn't think that him being inside me is important, it's not like he can't get an erection because he can.
What do your counselors say or suggest?
You mention that something happened year 4 - what was it?
Who is in your home with you two ( kids? Relatives?)
Death? Job loss? Illness? Any other significant event?
When is the last time you two went away for a vacation or weekend?
Is it intercourse he is avoiding or all sexual activity with you?
When was his last physical? His age?
1) My counsellor thinks it's best that we break up because he's not delivering i.e. I've tried to help him with solutions and he's not into it, I've told him what I would like and he's not doing it, I've asked him if there's other things I could be doing for him he says no there's nothing and it's all fine. My psychologist is saying why not just break it off but I've said I'm still fighting and trying to find answers, she is saying if he doesn't want to talk about it then don't talk about it and do other sexual things that I enjoy with him
2) he had some family problem that caused him stress
3) we don't live together, no kids, no relatives
4) recently we went on vacation, we go a few times per year
5) not avoiding all sexual but avoids his penis inside me
6) I have no idea and last time I talked with him about going to the doc, he said he doesn't want to talk about his penis with the doctor. Mid 30s
Re: 5) he doesn't avoid oral sex on for either me or him but avoids his penis inside my vagina.
...I just do not get it ....