Is there any chance she might come back?
Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I'm 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I was seeing her quite intensely... I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and just divorced although she's still living with her ex-husband - they been separated for 18 months now, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.
Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, almost every night and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren't together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling like rubbish in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn't do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn't care about the complications, baggage, etc, etch. It was all true.
We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.
I had also noticed that she wasn't messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I'd message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then a couple of weeks ago she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn't be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn't saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I'm assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.
This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn't seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open - she's always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn't really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn't really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn't see me.
We met up for a drink just over a month ago and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: "Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x". I asked if there was someone else and she replied with "Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me". The final message she sent read "I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry".
And that's it really, I didn't reply to that and haven't contacted her since - 32 days no contact today actually. She messaged me the night after ending it with 'You ok?' and I didn't reply and a couple of weeks ago tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and deleted her as a Facebook friend a few days after that. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a couple of months and it sucks a bit I suppose. the next couple of weeks are going to be tough as we had planned to go away on holiday but now I'm wondering what she's doing and who she is with as her ex-husband is away for two weeks with the kids.
I guess it's probably finally over and just wanted to write it all down to get it off my chest and maybe get some advice. My head is all over the place really. Do you think she'll get back in touch with me at some point again? I don't know what I'll do if she does.
I find writing everything down does help, it give you a little focus to the head (the heart is a much more complicated thing)
Rather than giving any advice I thought I'd give you a little overview of my experiences.
I met my ex husband at Uni and we married not long afterwards, the marriage failed because we both grow to want different things in life, we stayed in our house, separate bedrooms, financial arrangements etc. while working on getting our own futures sorted. One of the things that I battled with was the feeling that I didn't get the opportunity to do a lot of the exciting (or so I thought) things of being a 20 something, so I resisted getting into another serious relationship for sometime, I wanted to experience life, figure out what I wanted from a serious relationship.
Since then I have only had one serious relationship, sadly this hasn't worked how I'd hoped, I did meet someone very special (7 years my junior), I resisted developing that relationship because I was coming out of another relationship and my insecurities took over and I thought he'd be better off without being judge about being with an older woman and one with the complications of a failing relationship else where. Unfortunately for me now I am ready I think I've missed my change with who I feel is my soul mate.
I hope this gives you another perspective of your situation. My only advise is don't give up hope, but at the same time don't put your own life on hold waiting for someone who may not come back, you risk the chance of missing out on someone who could be very special to you.
Thank you for your story. I know I may be wrong but your story seems to resonate with me somewhat. She told me I was her best friend on many occasions and how much I meant to her, she even said things like she felt gutted that what she had to offer wouldn't be enough for me.
I do believe she viewed me as a soulmate but is going through that 'just divorced' stage where she doesn't feel she is ready for a relationship, doesn't know what she is looking for and perhaps even wants to play the field a bit.
Is there anything I can do at this point or should I just move on and let her be? I don't want to put my life on hold or just be her backup. Should I just carry on with life and if she does get back in touch cross that bridge when and if it comes to it?
She is obviously looking for lots of attention and wanting to feel attractive at the moment – maybe she is very insecure? She doesn’t even seem to mind at the moment who is giving the attention. One of the guys I know she was chatting to, I accidentally saw his name on her whatsapp and couldn’t help but look at his twitter and facebook….. he is the exact opposite to me, massive burly guy, tattoos, 4 kids by 4 different women and his twitter was full of racism and bigotry. Obviously I didn’t tell her any of this.