Heartbroken by his daft choices
When i got with my man, i knew he had cheated on everyone he had ever dated. I was fine with him sleeping with other women if he was just honest with me and we would have an open relationship. I found out he's been cheating on me for the whole entire relationship of 2 years. A profile was left open on his laptop, which showed pictures, dates, reviews from other users of the meet ups he has been having with great detail... Thing is, its not even with women. Of course i was completely shocked. i never suspected this, yet i was prepared if it was with women! we tried talking but he's so ashamed of this secret that he's hidden for 30 years, he just gets defensive and angry. Its been 8 weeks and every morning i wake up thinking about it....it minces my head up all day every day. We are supposed to be getting married. I no longer want to marry someone who makes such bad choices and who i dont know at all. I would have been fine him being bisexual, but the problem for me is, being bisexual is one thing. cheating is another. It should have stopped when he got with me. He said he wont do it anymore, he's too embarrassed that i know. but how can i trust him now?
This is my thoughts. Its mad, because i really believe that i am the best thing to happen to him but now i'm just thinking, i can give him everything and he'll still mess it up. I mean i told him he could sleep with who he wants as long as he is honest and he still does it behind my back. Strangely, if he'd have cheated with women i would have left him. But this i never expected.
Yeah you're both right. He definitely liked the secrecy of it. Said it was like a real clark kent thing. When i got with him, we were both a bit unconventional in relationships, i wanted to try polyamory as i seem to be crap in relationships. He wasn't een but was into swinging, which i'm not. So, to give him leaway and offer him a relationship that worked for us both i didnt care if he wanted to sleep around as long as he was honest and safe. Now, i can't and wont police the internet by sooping and checking up, and i wont put my trips back home on hold because of what he might do behind my back. There are thousands of ways to hook up with other people and i'm not going to mince my head up about it. But i guess now my options are.... i continue the relationship knowing he's doing what he wants and accept that, or i leave. Simple. I'm certainly not getting married, thats for sure. No way i can marry a man i dont know. so i just feel in limbo. I just need to talk with him i guess, ignoring it isnt making it better and and i'm not moving on, either way.
I dont actually disapprove of him sleeping with anyone, i accepted this in the early days. I was happy to give him freedom and be happy doing what he wanted to do, i was secure enough to know he loved me and nobody was a threat. It was just a shock that it was men. I never had an inkling.
Plus, i dont know how to find out if he's doing it again. He hid this for two years. I only found out by chance. I dont feel comfortable rooting on his laptop, so how will i ever know if he's still doing it? the internet is a vast space that i can't police. he will just get better at hiding it.
Stupid really as i'm 41 and he's 51. Its not like we are young and have no experience. I'm the first person he ever got engaged to and i really thought by giving him the open option that he wouldnt mess around. He's very dysfunctional, childhood issues etc but i thought we had a good relationship. Thought he finally wanted to settle down and stop being a dick. So i am very disheartened by finding this out, and very confused.
Literally all you've asked of him is honesty and transparency. He admits he gets off on lying to you. He will not stop, and I think you know that. It's clear that he values his shenanigans over his relationship with you. So I have to ask... why are you still with him?
If this were happening to a friend, what would you suggest they do?
I know. I would have walked away from anybody else. In his words though "i didnt lie. I didnt see it as cheating". I've been sucked right in havent i?
He is so ashamed of his *bi* secret and humiliated and embarrassed, because i saw pictures of him doing all sorts of TV/TS stuff as well. He said he thought he'd feel better if i knew about that side of him, but he just feels suicidal. He never wanted anybody to know about this side of him that he has hidden for 30 years, so i guess its a very sensitive subject. I think theres a lot more to it that just cheating. I feel he has got real identity issues.
To be honest, i have wondered if i am just a cover up for him being actually gay, because lately i can't get him to do anything with me. He refuses to admit he is Bisexual, he says he is experimental and "versatile" as he calls it.
I just havent a clue what to do, but i do know, after nearly 3 months, i still cry everyday. So i know that i am not healing and know that i will always feel like he is doing stuff behind my back. I can't live like that. i think i've answered my own question but its such a difficult situation. I moved in with him 6 months ago, fell out with my parents because they acted like stupid children, set up my own business here and now i'm going to have to try to find a place to live, a new job and somewhere to go. I literally have a van and thats it. But hey ho. I think i know what i need to do.
Thanks. i know i'll survive, and i dont tar everyone with the same brush, i know he was just a difficult person to be with. I am through the worst of it. Now i just feel blank. Thanks for taking the time to respond xxx