Partner sexually attracted to my best friend
FC1990 - Aug 21 2018 at 01:49
To start out with, I would like to say that my current relationship is the most healthy and communicative partnership I've ever had. We tell each other things as soon as they arise, and we are always ''allowed' to bring up difficult thoughts and topics without judgement. So, that means I'm not looking for scorn or anger directed towards my partner, but help dealing with my own feelings.
My best friend came to visit me in the city two days ago. My partner had never met my friend before, as we are only 8 months into a relationship, and my friend lives in another city a couple hours away. When we all hung out together for the first time at my colleague's party for a couple hours, I made the rounds of the room, and talked to my colleagues while my partner and friend mostly talked amongst themselves. I was so glad, as they both somewhat introverted and share so many of the values that my partner and I share. I knew they'd hit it off, and they did.
Later on that night, when my partner came home from some alone time, and my friend was out visiting another friend in the city after I saw her there, my partner asked if he could tell me something. I said of course, tell me anything and I'll listen. He said that he had experienced an extreme sexual attraction towards my friend, which is SUPER rare for him- the only time he had experienced that was with me, and before me he thought he was asexual (I knew this already). He said he had had thoughts, when I asked him about them calmly, of kissing and touching her and his brain wanted to go further, but he shut it down quickly each time, out of respect for me and guilt.
I said I appreciated his honesty, and we talked about next steps. He agreed to keep me updated, and said that it likely would never escalate beyond his isolated feelings- he loved me, not her, and he didn't see her returning those feelings of sexual attraction (he was worried and I was too, about how that would complicate things). He agreed to let me know if he developed romantic feelings towards her, and said he likely wouldn't, as he respects me and she lives far away.
However, my friend is an incredible person, and a total babe in every way. I have thought to myself many times in times of being insecure that both in terms of what my partner and my friend are attracted to physically, emotionally, and romantically; they would be a better match even than my partner and I. All bodies are valid and lovely, but I am the heaviest I've been in a while, and have internalized feeling
fat for many years- so I feel more unattractive than usual and not as sexual lately, despite my partner's reassurances that I'm gorgeous, and his still obvious attraction to me. I do not have any resentment towards my friend at all, because none of this partner situation is on her, and my insecurities about being heavier and less put together than her are my own to deal with.
I just don't see how my partner can NOT develop feelings for my friend when we hang out, because she's an incredible, beautiful human, and they are even more alike in terms of maturity and communication styles than I am. I suffer from extreme depression, anxiety, and irritability; and try to control it very much, and be loving and reasonable. However, things are hard for my partner and myself right now- we each work two jobs and don't see each other much in the week. He's crashing at my place as he searches for a new room/apartment, and I can't even sleep with him- my snoring and sleep thrashing has gotten so bad that we don't have the ability to cuddle at night, even. I feel lonely and guilty for not being able to be close to him physically because of things out of my control, and I have trust issues from trauma in my past also, as you can tell. Those aren't on my partner- he has tried to help me through them.
Lastly, my friend has been staying over at my place too the past couple of days in my second bed, and the plan for today was that my partner would go to his work for 9 AM like usual and my friend would go to another friend's house for the remainder of her Toronto visit- we all said our goodbyes last night. However, my partner woke up feeling sick today (he has many health issues), and called in sick to work. So my partner today had breakfast with my friend, and let me know about it and that they were getting into deep convos because he does communicate everything to me, and I am at work feeling sad and lonely after last night, and anxious to boot. Now my friend just texted that her other friend cancelled plans today and she's heading home, so I am sure my partner will give her a ride and spend time with her before she goes back home to her city. I just don't know how to control my sadness and insecurities. Any advice?
PS- I believe strongly that non-monogamous and other forms of love exist, and are valid- my partner and I are both LGBTQ. However, I'm not yet ready to explore non-monogamous and open relationships after bad experiences, and my partner knows this. I'd be open to considering them in future.