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Confused

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Relationship advice I have been with my man for close to 3 years now. He is Indian and I can Canadian. We meet during our time working for a cruise line.

Well we have been a part since October. And we have been none stop fighting for the last 3 or 4 months. We fight about everything now. I needed his support in June when I had major family drama. I called him so upset and crying and instead of being my rock, my shoulder. He yelled at me for feeling guilty and for calling him crying in such away when I shouldn't be feeling guilty in his mind.

But now the real trouble has started. We discussed many things in the past. From how we will do marriage, to the kids and to his parents coming to Canada. All was talked out and sorted and I was certain this was my true love. I am now questioning this..

I feel like he has jumped into a new page of our book. That he is writing this story for us. Before we were very much in the same page and agreed to blend our cultures together. But now, he's saying that his parents will never settle in Canada. That they won't like it. He also said that they will only spend a month no more then 2 months here at a time. Like what? This is completely different then everything we had discussed before. And now he's saying that if they aren't happy in Canada and what us to move to India in the next 5 years, we have to go. No matter our jobs, our income, our kids. We have to move there.

I am truly at a lose for words. We had discussed that Canada is the better country to grow as a family and build our family. We said his parents can come over summer then go back for the winter. But now they only want to spend a month here and that they won't like it. I get it's a new country and I get he is moving here for me so why can't I move to India for him? Maybe that's your thought. But in 5 years? Give up my job. My life. For a life there? I won't be able to drive. He doesn't even take me to the market now so what I'll stay in the house all day. Cooking. Cleaning and serving his family. And what about my family? How will we afford plane tickets back when I need to come home? Income in India is very low. How will we afford this? I asked him all my questions and he just said that he would borrow and he would send me to Canada when I want. But still, that's gonna be our life? Borrow money just because your parents want us to move to India?

Then it turned into, we will go back to India every 6 months to visit.. So I asked what about other trips? Our whole life will just be India? And he didn't like that I questioned this. Or that I now needed to think about our relationship.

I just feel like I'm giving so much. Adjusting so much to their culture. When he isn't adjusting to my culture. I feel like he is starting to control everything.

Its just hard because he wasn't like this before.. We discussed going on trips. And that if his parents are coming here then every other year we will go to India. We discussed it all. I didn't just blindly start dating a man from another country. We truly had it discussed. Now he changed his whole behaviour and thought.

I can't even imagine having kids with him now. Ill be scared to raise them in my way because he said that his mom will be like their big mama and raise them. What she wants done for the kids will be done and I can't question her.. I am just at a lose.. Really I am.

What happened to the man I fell in love with? The one that we had it all figured out. Where did he go? Who is this new guy.

Please help me. Some advice.. Please. My head is spinning. My mind is numb.

He is suppose to come here in 3 weeks but I don't know if I want him too. But I also don't want to regret doing this break up over the phone. But I just don't think our minds will ever work the same anymore.

Confused

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Huge cultural differences here. And huge demands on you to accept some conditions in your role as a woman, wife and mother.

When he’s back in his culture, things will get even more oppressive.

Time to take a big breath and re- evauluate this entire scene. He’s asking you to be in an environment that is not a place for a modern thinking woman to grow and blossom.

Confused

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Talk to him, and tell him you're having second thoughts. Tell him you are not comfortable with his plan for you. Give him the opportunity to see you and discuss things in person. He may decide he needs to reevaluate too, and/or end it over the phone himself. Either way, you're being honest and giving him the choice of listening to you or ignoring you. His response will tell you a lot about how he'll treat you as a wife.

Confused

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Thank you both for the response and advice!

Sad thing is that I have spoken with him but at this stage, their seems to be no reasoning with him.

The plan is for him to come in 3 weeks and maybe talking face to face will solve some things. I really just don't know any more.

I love him but I am questioning if he will make me happy in my life.

He just is so controlling. He needs the last say always. I tried to get him to book his own ticket home but he flipped it all around and quilted me into booking it.. I just don't know.

He went on about how much he loves me but then yesterday he was back to this attitude and a jerk.

Really my mind is just numb.

Confused

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Was he always like this and you just didn’t see it?

That ticket trick shows how manipulative he is.

You must strengthen your resolve to not get talked into a lifestyle that will stifle you.

He really needs a woman of his own culture. Can you think of anything that might reveal he might be using you in some way (visa or citizenship, $ or your home?)

Confused

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I thought of this question and I have looked back at our relationship. I swear he wasn't like this. In the beginning he did sweet and loving things for me. He made me feel so loved and cared for. He made me feel beautiful and confident. He supported me. He truly did. I was so happy with him and I never questioned us. We talked about many things and we discussed our future plans. Every thing seemed good, not perfect because nothing is. But we had an understanding. So really I am honestly saying its just been from the last few months and I think it started with the fact that his parents said they don't want to settle in Canada and will only spend a month or 2 here at a time. I am positive of this. It makes sense because this is when his behaviour and these questions started from his end.

I also do not believe he is using me. I don't send him money and I don't own a house. The visa could be a thing but most times those people won't prolong the relationship for 3 years. They usually rush that. Plus I have a relationship with his parents and other family members. I feel like he really isn't using me. Maybe I'm naive but he never ever gave me red flags to this fact.

My red flag is the control and manipulation that he is now letting shine through.

I know what lifestyle I want and I don't want to settle for less. I am just so confused as to why he changed.

I always told him to find a woman from India. I said it'll be easier and she will do as he pleases. But he always said that he trusted me and wanted me by his side. I just don't know what happened.

I love him too much. More than he deserved. But I want to be loved like that too. I want to be told that I'm beautiful or for his to pick out something in my photo and compliment that, not that I need it but its so nice to have your man say these things and I don't remember the last time he did. He never buys me gifts or gives me surprises. I always do for him. He also said that he doesn't know of he loves me but when I try to break up, he starts with the I do love you messages just like he did with booking the ticket.. I don't know.

There is so much to this story that I can't send it all here hahaha

But thank you so much for replying me!! It helps a lot.

Confused

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If you think he is controlling now, wait til you're married. Listen to your gut. Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you should hitch your lives together. You will always be more invested in loving him than he is in you. This guy is not going to be concerned about you, your wants, your needs, or your goals. This guy is only concerned about having you help him with his own wants, needs, and goals.

If you're not happy being less than equal partners, then you need to stop letting him bully you. If you can't stand up for yourself now, before you're married, then imagine ten years into a marriage when you have kids and no way out. You don't even live together, and you can already see how controlling and manipulative he is. He ignores your feelings. That's not love, that's sense of ownership. He manipulates you openly. And as long as you allow it, it will continue, and get worse. If you put a stop to it, he'll likely reconsider the marriage because he obviously doesn't want an actual partner.

Do some research on narcissism and emotional unavailability. People like this don't change. If you stop allowing him to treat you like you're "less than", he'll end it. And instead of looking at his behavior, he'll simply move on to his next victim. So, either you can pretend to be someone you're not to please him for the rest of your life, or you can be who you are and see how he responds.

But whatever you do, don't marry this guy until or unless you see how he handles it when you stand up for yourself. That will tell you where you really stand.

Confused

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His parental and cultural obligations are bigger than your relationship with him.

I suspect his parents are pressuring him about his residency and insisting that he return to India. Research the family dynamics in that country. The parents become the obligation of their adult children. We have had posts here from unhappy women dealing with mother-in-laws and how they are treated snd her role in the family.

You can end this before it gets into negotiations. He sounds like he is going to be a challenge to deal with.

Confused

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Again, thank you both for the lovely advice and responses! It truly means a lot to me as i deal with, what feels right now, to be a BIG life choice.

I am fully aware of the culture in India. I have been there 3 times. I was very much open to it all. I'm a free spirit, you could say and I was truly open to their culture and his parents living with us. Like I said, we discussed it all before. Even his sister said that their parents have no issue with me and are fine with coming to Canada with us. So its just hard for my head to wrap around his behavioural change. I'm a broken record but it just makes no sense to me.

I did my faults. But now I feel that his what ifs and stating that if his parents aren't happy then we must move back to India. Makes my eyes widen to what kind of future will I have? I wonder what will actually be given to me. Will my small expectations be followed? When we start having kids, will I even have a say in how they are raised? It really just make a me wonder now. I just feel that the only thing that will make him happy is his parents. His happiness revolves around theirs. Which he already stated to me. Kinda crushed me to here this. Made me feel like I'll never be enough.

I am leaning more to one option but he comes here in just over a week. I'm just scared that he will place a bandaid, give me promises but soon it'll be back to me feeling like this.

Did I ask for too much? I asked for compliments on my photos. I don't remember the last time he complimented me in anyway. Or a surprise phone call in the morning, flowers here and there, a gift, a thought, a sweet little note. I didn't ask for a mansion and I didn't ask for it daily. But just help my heart feel that love. I need that. I need words of affirmation. That's how I feel loved. I shouldn't be told that I'm living in a fairy tale. I shouldn't be made to feel less confident then I already do.

And I feel like I'm placing all the blame on him. It takes 2 to tango. But I feel that control like you two have pointed out and that's more than just an argument or hanging up the phone. This is more now.

Thank you both once again. It means a lot to me.

Confused

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“His happiness revolves around theirs.”

Yes, and that’s not going to change, in fact, will only increase.

“I shouldn’t be told I’m living a fairytale.”

Sounds like there are some personality conflicts here, too. He does not appreciate or support your creative work.

Perhaps your saving grace would be to visit there and see your work and social options. Find other like- minded spouses who are artists and free spirits and see how those women are fulfilling dreams, raising kids, living with in-laws, and making their marriages work. (Really, I am being facetious.)

Confused

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Oh no he does appreciate all the love letters, care packages and special things I do for him. But he enjoys it because he likes feeling special. But when it comes to him making me feel special that's when its about his "culture" and he never grew up seeing this so he doesn't know how to do or that's when I'm living in a fairy tale and expecting him to be like the romance movies. So no, he enjoys it because it benefits him. He's the one getting showered in love, care and gifts.

Hahhahahaha I love your facetious tone.

However, I did find a blog of a white girl married to an Indian man. She talks about the good and the bad.

BUT each family, man and woman is different. So she might be good with his mom helping him make life discussions. But I'm not okay with it. So everyone is different anyways.

I mean she had very good points but also some questionable points.

Confused

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Here's what is shining through all of this for me.

Your relationship will always be about him. He doesn't love you in the way you love him. He loves how you make him feel. If he loved you, you'd not have to keep minimizing your wants or needs in order to keep peace.

If I knew you IRL, I'd be begging you to end the engagement. I know there are lots of moving parts, and deep feelings involved. But this guy screams emotional unavailability and that will prove incredibly dissatisfying over time.

I don't believe he's changed. It seems he's just stopped pretending he's someone he's not. There is an obvious hierarchy, and you don't even make second place. He and his parents are at the top, and you are a distant third, if that. If you believe you'll move up once you're married, I fear you're setting yourself for massive disappointment and great upheaval.

Tell him you matter, too. Tell him you need to be with someone that acts like you matter. Because as it stands now, you don't. You will be expected to accommodate their needs and wants, and abandon yours. If you don't mind being subservient, then this marriage may work. If you need to feel that your opinion matters, I can't see how you'll ever get that with this man.

Tell him your opinion WILL be equal to his, or it's over. His response will tell you what you need to know to make an informed decision.

Confused

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Ugh, I wish I knew someone that I felt comfortable to open up to about this IRL. But I live in a small town and I don't have that close girl friend or even a close boy friend(not that he would ever let me have a guy friend) I know controlling issue right there. This is just a hard time for me.

My one friend who lives in Florida has already told me to run, to get out of this relationship.. We message about this, she just replied me when she feels. But I already have people telling me.

It's just hard because like you said I have invested my feelings and time. Its a close to 3 year relationship.. There was so much there.. I loved him so much.. I did it all for him..

I'm sorry that I'm a broken record but its just really a hard moment for me.

I have done things that you suggested.. For a year now I told him that he got lazy, that I didn't feel the love, that I felt like I wasn't important to him. I voiced my opinion but he just brushed it off or gave excuses.

He is coming here on Sept 9th. For 2 weeks. And I will just wait it out. I'll voice my feelings to him in person. And let's see what happens. I think that's all I can do right now.

I have been reading articles and trying to get as much help as I can. I just fear that I'll regret leaving him but then what if I regret staying with him? There is just so much running in my head.

I know I will figure out the right option. Maybe it won't feel right in the beginning but if I leave him, ill be okay in time. I'm trying to stay strong.

I just fear that when i see him, all this will be forgotten and swept under the rug.

Thank you so much for listening to my random thoughts. It's better to be typed or written out somewhere right? Haha thank you.

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