My attraction to breast implants is upsetting my relationship
I have been in a relationship for almost a year with my girlfriend and we enjoy a good sexual relationship and both love each other very much. We decided last weekend to spend the whole two days (or as much as was practical), in bed, make love as much as possible and experiment with RP. All was going well until my girlfriend suggested that maybe we should watch pornography together as a precursor to foreplay / sex. I was apprehensive of this due to my particular ‘taste’ in pornography but she reassured me and we watched some films with some of my favoured pornstars (Nikki Benz, Jacky Joy, Nicolette Shea etc), and she seemed to find it ok, but my choices were quite removed from hers. We got talking about ‘types’ of pornography we liked and that was when I felt compelled (because we do talk about everything and are very open), to tell her what my taste was, and that became an issue. my taste in pornography, or more specifically my taste in pornstars (based on an ideal which is very deep rooted). I am very, very attracted to slim blonde, white women, with oversized, rounded, silicone breast implants. It is something that I have been ‘obsessed’ (this might be the appropriate word, second only to my girlfriend, nothing else ‘turns me on’) with this aesthetic since I was very young, with actress Pamela Anderson setting the mould. It is something I have been embarrassed about and ashamed of (apart from my girlfriend's breasts real breasts do absolutely nothing for me), but after initially talking about it my girlfriend said it was fine. She was encouraging even and said she appreciated me being so open with her about what is a very large part of my sexual identity / personality (it was the first time I have ever told anybody about it). But sometime later she got upset about it, and though she said she hated making me feel bad about it she couldn’t help feeling upset and worrying that she was not enough for me, despite my reassurances that she is. I love my girlfriend and her body and her real boobs, they are the exception, only exception, but she still was upset. She felt she didn’t measure up to my ideal (she isn’t blonde, has an average build, and lovely C-cup boobs), and though this is true and she isn’t my type (I’ve only dated blondes before her for the last 12 years), I am very much attracted to her.
The next day we seemed to be back on track and we talked more about the subject, which, after a sleep, she seemed more comfortable with. My girlfriend is into reading erotic and so we decided (while she took a short trip), to write an erotic story for each other based on each other’s prompts. I was wary as for me to enjoy it her story would have to feature a character that was blonde and had big fake boobs, but she seemed very ok with it. We exchanged prompts and she got very upset. My prompt was a bit too detailed when it came to the suggested characters breasts (emphasising type of implant, overly round and too large for the characters frame), which was admittedly a mistake, but upset her a great deal. We talked on the phone that night, i apologised, and she seemed ok again. But I’m not sure how long that will last or what to do. She made it possible for me to feel wonderful that what is a vey big part of me was not something to be ashamed of and offered the possibility of included that part of me in our relationship in some way (watching pornography together, writing prompt), but then she makes me feel bad for liking what I like. I don’t want to have to suppress this side of me and would like (infrequently) for it to be a part of our sex life.
I need some advice (why I’m here for the first time), and appreciate anyone’s opinion.
Thank you for reading.
PS I have not asked my girlfriend to get a boob job. If she wanted to that would be great, but if she doesn’t that’s fine. I don’t want her to dye her hair unless she wants to but we do use a wig for RP as blonde hair is another huge turn on for me.