I have been thinking alot, I know that she made mistakes but I did too by not being straight forward. Instead of telling her straight to her face that she is wrong i gave her silent treatment, which was wrong again. Because after doing that I was the one who felt horrible. She was okay, she made new friends and entered a group. She was generous enough that she asked me to join the group too because i said i was sorry and that I was "depressed" and that is why i stopped talking and not even then telling her the actual reason.
After all of this, we become friends but she would say horrible things whenever she would get a chance, she would tell me that I had done wrong, I have apologized to her since that moment everyday, 24/7 on calls, texts, facebook, snapchat, emails and in person.
I really needed a forum to discuss my situation as the psychiatrists in my area (I went to one because i was so sad and cried 24/7 for that girl and did not wanted to live anymore because of the guilt) think that every situation that a young person is in is because of relationships, you now boyfriend girlfriend issues. That doctor kept digging about my love life and didn't listened to what i was trying to say. I payed a very heavy fee as they charge so much.
I have studied alot on the internet to get to know myself better. Borderline personality disorder BPD, is the first thing that matches my personality. I think in black and white, I get so angry that i want to hurt the person in front of me by my words that I regret afterwards, I am depressed, I have favourite persons.
I think my friend is my favourite person, I spent around $3000 in the last 7 months to make her happy. so that she would stop calling me aggressive. I have not been angry with her in the past 7 months I have not raised my voice and she doesn't even know about what I am facing yet she calls me aggressive. I searched alot about her too and found out that she has a passive aggressive person because all of the traits matches hers.
I have tried not to blame people for the stage i am in today by calling her passive aggressive only is not going to be a solution so I have tried to study myself too. But the thing here is my fiance, I have been with him for 6 years now, everything is so easy with him, he listens to me and tries to make me understand what i can't. He told me that that girl is my safety net, is she goes i will be alone, though i won't be as now we are a part of a bigger group.
I can't think properly, I think about her every second of the day, that why is not replying and talking to me like she used to. I discovered that she is not the only person who when dont reply to my text in time i feel anxiety, fear and a sense of abandonment. I called a friend who is in our batch, she is a good friend of mine, she picked and told me she was with the family and that she will call me in a while, i waited for 3 hours and those 3 hours were like a hell. I assumed so many things that maybe she hates me etc etc and then i called her myself, it was pretty late and she told me that she totally forgot and talked to me just like she always does. So does this mean that i have alot of favourite people? or that i am obsessed with people? my emotions depend on my best friend and other people.
The university starts in about a week, I am feeling so scared. I will feel jealous like i always do when I see my best friend talking to other people. She says horrible things for eg, you were my best friends but i have more friends now so my love for you is now divided between all of them. I love her for some days then after she ignores me i hate her but i cant say anything then the cycle repeats. I am feeling crazy, why do i do this? I would like one thing then after a day or two I won't. this applies to every action of mine.
Am I bipolar? or narcissist? or have BPD? What is my issue that I can't take my mind off of her? Why do i feel the need that I need to make her happy, to explain her stuff to call her to text her to praise her, when she treats me like a normal class mate? Why is she so important to me? How can i undo this obsession? How can i not care about her the way she doesn't care about me?
And how can I handle myself? my black and white thinking? People are either angels or demons. Nothing in my life is between the scale of 1-10 its either 1 or either 10. there is no 5! why do i expect so much?
I wanted to be a memory champion but i have wasted my summer vacations thinking about my friend about people. If she calls the day goes perfect and I am happy, If she doesn't reply or talk to me the day is the shittiest. I will cry and feel weak. In my experience when i waited for the other friend to call, I felt the same, I felt sad and went through my texts and thought about our last call and really thought hard that what had i done that had made her unhappy and that now she is not calling and ignoring me.
My grades went down in the last semester, I lost weight, I was weak, I stopped laughing, I was depressed, I didn't know how to act around the new group and i just wanted my best friend all to myself. I don't know how i am going to go to the class now. I am scared of everyone. I felt very uneasy sitting in the new group and i am scared of them.
Whenever I talk to my best friend, i imitate her, I speak like she does, I don't know why i do that but i think i do this to make her happy. I am so fed up my myself that i want to kill myself. I am not able to understand myself. who am I? Why can't i be normal like others and not depend on others? Please help me. I try to make myself understand that it will be easy, just take the classes and come back home and do other stuff. But I spent the entire summers thinking about her, what will happen when i actually see her and worry about every little thing. I am trying to shut my self up right now i am scared that i will take wrong steps and maybe end myself. I do know that its not worth this but i just can't get this off of my head. And this happens with every person i get close to. If my fiance doesn't reply I assume things. And i do think in black and white. I wanted to change university but i can't as my parents have worked so hard to get me this far. I am not confident at all. I dont know how to talk to people. I check facebook, my bestfriend used to tag me as i was her only friend , now she tags other people from the group. I don't know what is that i want, she hurts me, I hate her for that, but i love her and i want her. Am i really a BDP? please tell me if you think i have something else. I have 1 week to get myself together or else i will lose my self.
There may be too much pressure on you academically and this has transferred over into your relationships.
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