Facebook Banner 001

Very troubled relationship. I know I should break up but want another option

Posted by
BOBOPAPA
on Aug 29 2018 at 16:05
Member since: 29 August 2018
Relationship advice I've started my first real relationship with a coworker about 2 months ago, but we have been talking every day for hours for about 5 months now. I fell in love with her and she told me she likes me back but she had a terrible secret and was scared I wouldn't love her any more if I knew about it. I assured her that I still would and then kissed her and later that night she told me she had another guy, but she didn't love him any more and was definitely going to break up with him.

As time passed I eventually found out who the guy was, as ironically enough I had met him before and he knew I was hitting on her, but their relationship is actually an affair because the man is married to a relative of hers so it was a secret. I started falling more for this girl believing she would actually break up with him once all her issues were settled and we started getting more intimate (but at this point still haven't had sex). All was well until he caught us together and she tried to break up with him. The next day before we could get together he had called her to meet him somewhere. Later I got a call from her telling me he denied their break up and told him he loves her still and to wait for her and they will be together. I then asked her again if she still loves him, this time her answer was yes.

Afterwards I was kind of in a disarray. I had thought it was a done deal just waiting to finish out and all of the sudden this happens. She told me she still had planned to break up with him. Even though she loved him she couldn't deal with the fact of breaking the two of them up would crush her relative and the burden it would place on their children. The next day she told me she had told the wife about their affair, she seemed relatively unstressed about it and then we proceeded to make out and foreplay more than usual. I let the issue be for a few days before asking her about what is happening. She said her relative had come to her so they could both move out and leave him, but instead they are lying to her saying they are through and are still sleeping around. I also found out that one day she told me she did love him they also had sex.

Even after all this she still tells me she wants to break up with him and eventually move in with me. At this point I feel as if not all she says is true and probably something like this is happening.

1. She's young and naive so the guy is just using her for sex while promising all kinds of things.

2. Since she is actually still in love with him she still wants to be with him but is scared it's doomed and is leaving me around

3. This is the really messed up part that had me thinking: She might have told her relative in hopes to break them up so she could take her man

Now this isn't just based off of what I think, she definitely has feelings for me and everyone around us can see it. While she has been hurt by this affair she is far from a victim, in fact I'd say she's mostly the cause of the problem. I think it's pretty obvious that the man is not going to leave his wife for her so eventually they will end up falling apart, and I'm really inexperienced and stupid myself so I still love this girl even with all baggage and despicable things that go along with it. I'm also at fault as well because she definitely tried to keep me away and friendzone me when we first started flirting but I eventually made her catch feelings for me, which I do realize was only possible because their relationship is not normal and will most likely fail.

I feel like she has lied to a lot of people and stepped on some toes here, and I still don't know whether she did it out of stupidity and blind love or if she really is a greedy, manipulating compulsive liar. At this point I don't know what to truly believe. The only thing I do put my faith on is their affair not working out especially now that the wife knows about it. I'm leaving in a month for a 6 month business trip.Here's a last list of what could possibly happen in the mean time.

1. The dude really does want her and will leave his wife for her (highly unlikely due his behavior and his social standing)

2. I will come home and nothing will change (50/50 on this one as I believe the situation in the household will only get worse with the wife knowing)

3. Her time there will be done and she will need a way out (not sure what the chances are here but it's what I'm rooting for)

4. Another guy will come along while I'm gone (also highly unlikely as no one else would put in this work and deal with these problems for her)

Now the worst part of it is her reasoning for not having sex with me is because she thinks having 2 sexual partners is really bad, and she doesn't want to be really in love with 2 people at once. I feel like with how much she actually likes my touch (she really does like it and tells me it's way better than his) I can get her before I go on my trip or at least get a blowjob or something. While I truly do have feelings for this girl I do want to have sex with her, and I realize that sex could also put her over that edge she needs to start thinking of me over him a little more again. I'm also worried that in the 6 months I leave she could forget about me as well.

I realize I should probably be steering far away from this girl, but I can't. Please, anyone, should I do any of the things I listed or is there anything else I should do? Any real advice would be appreciated. I want this girl.

Very troubled relationship. I know I should break up but want another option

Reply from
ALTREAL
on Aug 30 2018 at 07:28
Member since: 20 August 2015
It's a messy situation, but I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes you have to look beyond logic and take a chance on someone to find love. I think most of us end up dating some people who unhealthy for us at some point, since we long for something different than our mundane lives. And that can either pan out or just remain a downward spiral of disaster.

To me it sounds a little unfair that your girlfriend led you on and said she was definitely over her ex and would break up with him, but didn't mean either of those things. I get it, people do irrational things to maintain happiness. But that seems pretty immature to me. She lied to her relative and said it was over, but it's still going on!

It is a little odd that this girl is alright with having an affair with a married man who is sleeping with her relative, but is uncomfortable with being with you. But people set weird boundaries for themselves sometimes. In essence she is just making it okay for this man to have 2 sexual partners, but nobody else.

Why do you think she has let you get this far with her despite wanting to "friendzone" you at first? Especially if she still likes this other guy?

It's also kind of odd that you're going away on a 6-month business trip now. You've only been talking for 5 months. To this younger girl, 6 months may be a lot of time. Why do you have to go away for half a year, if you don't mind my asking?

I guess you have to ask yourself if this is all worth it. There are a lot of women out there, and certainly some more truthful and faithful than this one. I get that for some of us...you get what you can. If a pretty, young thing wants to flirt and fool around, maybe it's worth it to you for the fun and excitement. Compare your life now to your life before this girl. Is it an improvement? Then if you can say yes, stick around and enjoy the roller coaster ride. Maybe it will take you to lots of fun places, and maybe eventually she'll realize how lucky she is to have you and will be more willing to commit.

This 6-month business trip should be a real test for your fledgling relationship, if you decide to stay together during it.

Very troubled relationship. I know I should break up but want another option

Reply from
BOBOPAPA
on Aug 31 2018 at 01:00
Member since: 29 August 2018
Thank you so much for the quick reply, ALTREAL! Okay so I think it's at least fair to give my girl's reason as to why she hasn't broken up with him yet. What I said about her not actually wanting to break up with him is my assumption, but her still loving him is what she said. She is from a foreign country and has moved here within the last few years. Currently she lives in that house with a bunch of other relatives, and he got my girl her current job, she clearly has no credit and no real job experience here and is still learning English (we communicate just fine). She has tried to break up with him a few times already but each time she tries he threatens to kick her out and make her lose her job. She also said it was him that made her lie to her relative because if she doesn't the risk of their whole family knowing is too much.

I've offered to take care of her if she breaks up with him, but the fact that she might be jobless, we still are in a new relationship, and I'm leaving for 6 months is making her very reluctant. She keeps telling me that she really does want to break up with him because she tired of doing her relative dirty and she doesn't want to break them up and make their kids deal with it. Also she says she doesn't believe that he loves her and think he's lying about the divorce.

When I wrote the OP I was in a very bad emotional state, but now that I've had a second to calm down I can't exactly say all my assumptions about her wanting to stay with him and really break up the wife are true, but they still might be and I can't overlook that. Either she really does want to break up with him and be with me or she could still want to be with him but knows it's bound to fail, it could also be a little bit of both and she's confused.

Thank you for asking that first question about why we got this far despite the friendzoning, that's what I really needed to think about. Since the beginning I made her develop a crush on me, so it came to my surprise when she friendzoned me. After we just became friends I continued to just be myself around her and eventually she found out I'm leaving for 6 months for Basic Military Training and tech school, she started to chase me a bit more and was really sad I was leaving her. It was after that I told her I love her and I am going to take care of her when I come back so wait for me, soon after that we started our relationship. She told me she friendzoned because she wanted to end us so I wouldn't be going through what I am now. The ONLY reasons I could see me having gone this far is because just maybe:

1. she has real feelings for me and really does want to be with me exclusively one day

2. Anyone, including her, must be able to see that he's lying to her and their relationship is most likely bound to fail. Especially now the wife knows it's just a ticking time bomb.

3. I was an idiot and never gave up on her to this day

To wrap it all up I don't know if it is all worth it. I have 6 months to decide whether or not it is and so does she. Since I met this girl I've felt more purpose and color in my life, she's brought me great joy but also great sorrow and pain. I think it's been an improvement despite me being hurt over and over as well (I know it sounds weak but it's true).

We will keep our relationship going when I leave for 6 months. You are right, it's going to be the real test and should decide where we will head in the future. If you have any more advice or questions please reply again, once again I thank you so much!

Very troubled relationship. I know I should break up but want another option

Reply from
BOBOPAPA
on Aug 31 2018 at 01:31
Member since: 29 August 2018
Thank you so much for the quick reply, ALTREAL! Okay so I think it's at least fair to give my girl's reason as to why she hasn't broken up with him yet. What I said about her not actually wanting to break up with him is my assumption, but her still loving him is what she said. She is from a foreign country and has moved here within the last few years. Currently she lives in that house with a bunch of other relatives, and he got my girl her current job, she clearly has no credit and no real job experience here and is still learning English (we communicate just fine). She has tried to break up with him a few times already but each time she tries he threatens to kick her out and make her lose her job. She also said it was him that made her lie to her relative because if she doesn't the risk of their whole family knowing is too much.

I've offered to take care of her if she breaks up with him, but the fact that she might be jobless, we still are in a new relationship, and I'm leaving for 6 months is making her very reluctant. She keeps telling me that she really does want to break up with him because she tired of doing her relative dirty and she doesn't want to break them up and make their kids deal with it. Also she says she doesn't believe that he loves her and think he's lying about the divorce.

When I wrote the OP I was in a very bad emotional state, but now that I've had a second to calm down I can't exactly say all my assumptions about her wanting to stay with him and really break up the wife are true, but they still might be and I can't overlook that. Either she really does want to break up with him and be with me or she could still want to be with him but knows it's bound to fail, it could also be a little bit of both and she's confused.

Thank you for asking that first question about why we got this far despite the friendzoning, that's what I really needed to think about. Since the beginning I made her develop a crush on me, so it came to my surprise when she friendzoned me. After we just became friends I continued to just be myself around her and eventually she found out I'm leaving for 6 months for Basic Military Training and tech school, she started to chase me a bit more and was really sad I was leaving her. It was after that I told her I love her and I am going to take care of her when I come back so wait for me, soon after that we started our relationship. She told me she friendzoned because she wanted to end us so I wouldn't be going through what I am now. The ONLY reasons I could see me having gone this far is because just maybe:

1. she has real feelings for me and really does want to be with me exclusively one day

2. Anyone, including her, must be able to see that he's lying to her and their relationship is most likely bound to fail. Especially now the wife knows it's just a ticking time bomb.

3. I was an idiot and never gave up on her to this day

To wrap it all up I don't know if it is all worth it. I have 6 months to decide whether or not it is and so does she. Since I met this girl I've felt more purpose and color in my life, she's brought me great joy but also great sorrow and pain. I think it's been an improvement despite me being hurt over and over as well (I know it sounds weak but it's true).

We will keep our relationship going when I leave for 6 months. You are right, it's going to be the real test and should decide where we will head in the future. If you have any more advice or questions please reply again, once again I thank you so much!

Very troubled relationship. I know I should break up but want another option

Reply from
BOBOPAPA
on Aug 31 2018 at 01:43
Member since: 29 August 2018
Thank you so much for the quick reply, ALTREAL! Okay so I think it's at least fair to give my girl's reason as to why she hasn't broken up with him yet. What I said about her not actually wanting to break up with him is my assumption, but her still loving him is what she said. She is from a foreign country and has moved here within the last few years. Currently she lives in that house with a bunch of other relatives, and he got my girl her current job, she clearly has no credit and no real job experience here and is still learning English (we communicate just fine). She has tried to break up with him a few times already but each time she tries he threatens to kick her out and make her lose her job. She also said it was him that made her lie to her relative because if she doesn't the risk of their whole family knowing is too much.

I've offered to take care of her if she breaks up with him, but the fact that she might be jobless, we still are in a new relationship, and I'm leaving for 6 months is making her very reluctant. She keeps telling me that she really does want to break up with him because she tired of doing her relative dirty and she doesn't want to break them up and make their kids deal with it. Also she says she doesn't believe that he loves her and think he's lying about the divorce.

When I wrote the OP I was in a very bad emotional state, but now that I've had a second to calm down I can't exactly say all my assumptions about her wanting to stay with him and really break up the wife are true, but they still might be and I can't overlook that. Either she really does want to break up with him and be with me or she could still want to be with him but knows it's bound to fail, it could also be a little bit of both and she's confused.

Thank you for asking that first question about why we got this far despite the friendzoning, that's what I really needed to think about. Since the beginning I made her develop a crush on me, so it came to my surprise when she friendzoned me. After we just became friends I continued to just be myself around her and eventually she found out I'm leaving for 6 months for Basic Military Training and tech school, she started to chase me a bit more and was really sad I was leaving her. It was after that I told her I love her and I am going to take care of her when I come back so wait for me, soon after that we started our relationship. She told me she friendzoned because she wanted to end us so I wouldn't be going through what I am now. The ONLY reasons I could see me having gone this far is because just maybe:

1. she has real feelings for me and really does want to be with me exclusively one day

2. Anyone, including her, must be able to see that he's lying to her and their relationship is most likely bound to fail. Especially now the wife knows it's just a ticking time bomb.

3. I was an idiot and never gave up on her to this day

To wrap it all up I don't know if it is all worth it. I have 6 months to decide whether or not it is and so does she. Since I met this girl I've felt more purpose and color in my life, she's brought me great joy but also great sorrow and pain. I think it's been an improvement despite me being hurt over and over as well (I know it sounds weak but it's true).

We will keep our relationship going when I leave for 6 months. You are right, it's going to be the real test and should decide where we will head in the future. If you have any more advice or questions please reply again, once again I thank you so much!

Replies are no longer accepted on this thread. Why not start your own topic? - it only takes a moment to register with your e-mail address