My son recently remarried. I received an email from his new wife listing problems I am causing that she feels are effecting their marriage. There are many inaccurate assumptions in the email. I have not responded. I did text them stating I was brokenhearted that she was hurt by my actions. She feels I am too close to the family of his 1st wife. His 1st wife is the mother of the only grandchildren I will ever have.
My husband and I have become close with the 1st wives parents and consider them to be good friends. I offer support to the 1st wife: taking care of the kids dogs when they are out of town, etc. The 1st wife has remarried and had a child that died of SIDS at 4 mos old. I feel tremendous empathy for any parent who looses a child. I believe, when grandchildren are involved, everyone should be forgiven and treated with respect and kindness. The 1st wife has supposedly been very rude to the new wife. 2nd wife does not want us to have contact with 1st wife & get all info regarding the grand kids from her & my son.
Supposedly, the 1st wife rubs it in their faces that she & I have a 'special' relationship and this infuriates her. I want my son to be content and happy in his new marriage. Also, the 2nd wife cannot have children and the 1st wife has now had another baby.
you need to meet with first wife and her family and tell them you want to remain friends but they need to stop any contact with son and his new wife for you to do so. you need to tell second wife about this after meeting with them so she understands you are sympathetic to this problem and you will solve this aggrevation to her marriage to your son. in person not by email.
the second wife has every right to be upset by this interaction with the first wife. you may have to chose between friendship with your son or grandson if problem cannot be resolved appropriately.
As the “alpha female” of this family, you can set the tone of how things go in terms of how the actions of the present and former DIL is affecting the family.
I don’t know how #1 has the opportunity or need to comment on #2 or be in their business, but that’s got to stop. You and your son can make sure that happens by limiting any talk or reference to your son’s new marriage to anyone else.
Don’t be the carrier of messages or actions between those two, either. Refuse to talk to either of them about the other. Like Bunny said, the friendship with the other parents has to be independent of any talk about your son and #2 DIL too. No discussions about your son’s life. Only about the mutual grandchilld.
Bottom line: be a good grandma and that’s it. Your blood Grandchildren are the most important thing to focus on. Everything else is gossip, jealousy, insecurity and negativity.
Work on paying more attention to your son’s present life and his wife.
Thank both of you very much for your responses. I appreciate the input.